Shield Me From the Storms

OhGodOhGodOhGod. I could still feel my pulse racing as I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling. That had been too close, too freaking close. Okay, so I hadn’t actually had a seizure, but I could feel one right there. If I hadn’t calmed down when I had, I knew I would have had it while still sitting in Josh’s lap and that definitely wouldn’t have gone down well.

I closed my eyes and thought back to when we’d been sitting on the sofa. Feeling Josh’s arms around me, holding me tightly, kissing me deeply, had been amazing. It actually felt like he needed me, like really needed me, as though his whole existence depended on me. It had been amazing, so intimate, so incredible. But then it suddenly got too real too fast. I’d realised what was happening, where his hands were. And I felt myself getting worked up. Everything was happening too fast. And while it was amazing and what I wanted, I knew I had to put a stop to it. Maybe I had to put a stop to all of it. It hurt to even think, but what if that was what was best? I mean, it wasn’t like Josh and I would ever be able to have a normal relationship anyway. We’d want to take it a step further eventually and just the thought of that sent anxious waves through my body. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything like that. So maybe it just made sense to end everything now before it went any further. That would be the easy way out.

But at the same time…I really didn’t want things to be over between Josh and I. I really cared for him and I didn’t want to lose him. Especially not because I had epilepsy. If my illness got in the way of me having a relationship, I don’t know what I’d do. Maybe I should just increase my medication. Sure, that would impact other areas of my health, but maybe it would be worth it? Reduce the number of seizures but also reduce the amount of energy I had? And I knew that if I increased the drugs to where I reduced the chances of having seizures almost completely, that the drugs would start affecting my bones, that they would become a lot more delicate and broken bones would occur a lot more frequently and easily. Would that be worth it? My parents would say no. Hell, Josh would probably say no if he knew. Maybe I could talk to my doctor about it…

I knew I owed Josh an explanation, but what the hell was I going to say? Definitely not the truth. Maybe something would come to me… I took my medication and then changed into my pyjama trousers and crawled into bed. I checked my phone but Josh had done as I’d asked and left me alone. I kind of wished he’d at least text me. Part of me felt too scared to text him first. I didn’t know how angry he was at me. If he even was angry. Maybe he was hurt. He was probably confused. I sighed, irritated at myself and at my illness. Why couldn’t I just be a normal teenage boy, who’s worries are whether I am moving too fast with my boyfriend and not whether I’d have a seizure if we made out or did anything more. Maybe we were moving too fast as well, but I wasn’t really bothered by that; in fact, I quite liked it. I liked that I had felt comfortable enough with Josh that I just let my guard down. However, it was for that very same reason that things were getting complicated.

My parents came in and wished me goodnight, but I still couldn’t stop thinking. I glanced at my clock every 2 minutes, expecting it to be nearly morning. Eventually, I gave in a realised that I wasn’t going to be able to sleep until I’d spoken to Josh. I looked at the time and although it was nearing 3.30 in the morning, I picked up my phone and called him. It only rang once before I heard Josh’s voice. “Hey,” he said shortly, sounding wide awake. I bit my lip, knowing that I’d been the cause of his sleepless night as well as my own.
“Hey,” I whispered, suddenly unsure again of what to say. “I’m sorry, Josh.” I heard him sigh over the phone and he was silent for a moment.
“What happened, Dani?” he asked and I shook my head.
“I don’t know,” I said softly. “I think I just…I freaked out.”
“Did you…have we broken up?” he asked unsurely, making my heart feel tight in my chest.
“No,” I whispered. “At least…I don’t want us to be.”
“Good,” Josh whispered. We were silent for another moment and I bit my lip.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered again. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted and that I made you leave.”
“It’s okay,” he said softly. “I shouldn’t have moved so fast.”
“I liked it,” I reassured him. “I did, but I guess I just…it was too much too suddenly.”
“Okay, next time I make out with you, I’ll be sure to give you an advanced warning,” he said teasingly and I couldn’t help but smile as my heart melted slightly.
“You’re amazing, you know,” I said quietly. “Thank you for being so great and understanding.”
“Anytime, baby,” he said and I sighed, my eyes closing and I realised that now that I’d dealt with this, I was finally able to fall asleep. “I’ll see you at school, okay?”
“Yeah,” I smiled. “Goodnight.”
“Night, Dani,” he said softly before hanging up. I smiled gently, rolling onto my side, and fell to sleep almost instantly.

The following morning at school, I was worried that things might be awkward between Josh and I. We’d made up, but things might still be slightly off. But once I saw Josh standing by my locker, I knew everything was fine. He lit up when he saw me, just like he always did, and I rushed over to him to hug him. I buried my face in his shoulder, holding onto him tightly, needing to feel him there, to feel he was still with me. My thoughts from the night before, about potentially ending our relationship before things went too far, flew out the window. No way could I ever throw this away, even if just the thought of us doing anything more than heavy kissing nearly sent me into a seizure. Josh placed a light kiss to my lips and held my hand tightly as I opened my locker and pulled out the books I’d need. I couldn’t put into words how overjoyed I was that my little freak out hadn’t deterred Josh. It gave me hope that if he thought I was worth sticking with after a mini-panic attack then maybe I’d be worth sticking with after a seizure.