Shield Me From the Storms

Okay. I could handle Josh staying over. No big deal. I took my meds in the evening without him noticing, so it would all be fine! I wanted to have normal teenage experiences just like everyone else. I wanted to be able to fall asleep with my boyfriend and wake up with him still there. Don’t get me wrong, I loved that he stayed with me some evenings until I fell asleep. And a little part of me wished that he didn’t have to leave. So I’d finally got up the guts to ask him to stay. And it was terrifying and exciting. But I knew I had to calm myself down. I couldn’t be getting anxious about it otherwise I could risk bringing on a seizure. And without my parents being home, I didn’t want to put Josh on the spot and not know what to do. I wondered if maybe I should warn him so that he doesn’t get totally freaked out of I have a seizure during the night. But I’d only ever had maybe 5 seizures while I’ve been asleep during my life, so it was extremely unlikely I’d have one on the night Josh slept over.

Everything would be fine.

I cuddled into Josh’s side, loving how his body just cocooned against mine perfectly. I loved feeling so close, so connected to him. It just felt so intimate. Sometimes I wanted to take things that step further. But I knew I couldn’t handle that. I could hardly handle making out, so how was I supposed to handle making love? I wanted to though and I knew one day I would. But it probably wouldn’t be for a while yet. Part of me felt I ought to tell Josh – it was only fair right? He deserved to know that sex might not be on the table with me for quite a while. I had to hope he didn’t care, but I knew that if he did care, I wouldn’t hold it against him. We’d been together for 3 months…surely he’d be expecting it soon? The thought terrified me, almost as much as the thought of losing Josh. But josh had never been anything but respectful about what we did, so part of me knew that if I wasn’t ready, he wouldn’t push it.

After a short while, I heard Josh’s breathing slow and deepen and I knew he’d fallen asleep. I quickly reached out for my phone to set my alarm for 6am. If I woke up early, before Josh, I’d be able to take my medication and maybe leave the room before I had a seizure. It would be fine – if I felt a seizure coming, I’d just go to the living room or something and then return to bed before Josh even knew I was gone. Once my alarm was set, I snuggled back into Josh’s warm embrace and drifted off to sleep.

The soft ringing of my alarm woke me up what felt like only a few hours later. I quickly shut it off before it gained volume and woke Josh. I looked over my shoulder at him, but he was still fast asleep. I watched him for a few minutes, taking in how calm and peaceful he was whilst asleep. I wanted to just lie down with him again and make the most of having him all to myself, but I could already feel the onset of a seizure. Reluctantly turning my attention away from Josh, I pulled my drawer open as silently as I could and pulled out the two bottles full of pills. My fingers started shaking but I adamantly pushed the oncoming seizure back. Just a few more minutes. My palms started to get clammy with nerves. What if I had a seizure in front of Josh? What would he do? I just had to hope that he would remain calm and look after me. That’s what a normal boyfriend would do, isn't it?

I sat on the edge of my bed, my hands gripping the sheets tightly. I just needed to stand up, cross my room, and go to the living room. It wasn’t that far. But suddenly, all my energy seemed to have been sucked out of me. I couldn’t stand, let alone walk. Oh, God. I could feel it, right there, creeping up on me. No. Not now, not with Josh here. Fear gripped me and I started breathing heavily. Oh, no. “Josh,” I gasped, already feeling my consciousness slipping away.
“Dani?” he asked groggily just as I blacked out completely.

I blinked my eyes open, my body feeling 2 stone heavier than normal with fatigue. Great, even after a brilliant night’s sleep, I’m going to be knackered all freaking day. “Josh?” I groaned, bringing my hand up to my head. It ached slightly, so I guessed I must have hit it at some point. I was on the floor, so maybe I’d fallen forwards instead of backwards onto the bed…
“He’s gone, honey.” I quickly sat up – quicker than was sensible, but I didn’t care.
“Mum?” I asked, confused. “I thought you were out today.”
“We came home early,” she said softly, putting a hand behind my back to support me. “We were just coming in as Josh was running out the door.” And then her words really hit me. He’d gone. He’d ran. I closed my eyes tightly as tears pricked painfully.
“I tried to get up before it happened,” I whispered, tears finally falling down my cheeks. “I wasn’t quick enough.”
“It’s not your fault, Dan,” mum said softly and I shook my head.
“I shouldn’t have asked him to stay,” I whispered. “I shouldn’t have thought I could have a normal relationship like that.”
“You can, Dan,” my dad said, speaking up for the first time. “There’s nothing wrong with you, you deserve everything that a normal teenager does. Maybe Josh just isn't the right person for you.” I closed my eyes and shook my head. Josh was so right for me in every other way. How could he be the wrong person? I loved him. But he’d just abandoned me when I’d needed him. He must have known that running away like that would have hurt me, would have altered how I felt about him. Because it had – how could I know whether to trust him or not? If he runs when I need him, how could I trust him to be around at other times?
“I’m going to go back to sleep,” I said quietly, slowly climbing up to my bed.
“Okay, Dan,” mum said softly, “have you had your medication this morning?”
“Yes,” I said, flopping onto my bed on the side where Josh had slept. It smelt like him. I closed my eyes around a heavy sigh, my body already seconds away from sleep. I heard my parents leave my room and close the door behind them. He’d really left. Tears trickled down my cheeks as I fell back to sleep, surrounded by Josh’s scent, wishing that it was his arms.

When I next woke up, my heart felt heavy. Josh had left me. It doesn’t matter that I’m comfortable with dealing with my seizures on my own, the point is that he left. For all he knew, it was my first seizure. And he’d ran! I really though Josh was the type of guy to look after people, to be there for people. Maybe it was all an act. Maybe, when it came down to it, he was a coward. I’d been dealing with this my whole life – he witnesses one seizure and he bolts? How is that fair? I wanted to phone him, to just hear what his defence was – if he even had one – but at the same time, I wasn’t sure if I could hear his voice just yet. He’d hurt me by leaving and he hadn’t even tried phoning to apologise or anything. Why should I take that first step when he was the one that should be phoning me? Sure, I guess I could have told him, I could have given him a heads up, but it wasn’t my fault that I’d had a seizure. It’s not like they were that predictable. I didn’t have them every morning, so for all I knew, I could have woken up without the threat of one. I would accept maybe 10% of the blame for this, but at the end of the day. Josh had ran. And he hadn’t even checked since leaving if I was okay. And I wasn’t sure if I could forgive him for that.