Shield Me From the Storms

I kept my phone on me all day, just in case. Some small part of me thought he might actually phone and see if I was okay. It was just wishful thinking on my part; hoping that Josh was the guy who I thought rather the guy he’d turned out to be. The one time I opened myself up and took a chance with a guy…I chose the wrong one. My dad was right; Josh wasn’t the one for me. If he was, he wouldn’t care about my illness, it wouldn’t even bother him. Obviously it mattered to him more than I did otherwise he wouldn’t have run.

I spent the rest of that weekend moping about my house. I lay either in bed or on the sofa and tried to give my television my undivided attention. But all I could think about was how my so-called boyfriend had left me. He’d left and I hadn’t heard from him since. I wanted to call him, to talk about what had happened and tell him how much he hurt me. It scared me that a part of me didn’t want to be with him anymore. How could I when he’d done that? Josh was meant to be someone I could rely on more than anyone else. And I now knew that I couldn’t. I knew I’d need to talk to Josh at some point, to tell him that I didn’t think I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. But that thought was terrifying. I loved Josh and I was pretty sure that those feelings wouldn’t go away. But he’d let me down massively and I wasn’t sure if I could forgive him for that.

On Monday, I woke up and immediately wished I could go back to sleep. I didn’t want to go to school, I didn’t want to face Josh. I just wanted to avoid it forever. He clearly wanted to, as well. I wish I’d listened to myself months ago when I told myself that no one would want to be with me because of my epilepsy. If I had, I wouldn’t be going through this right now. I’d still be alone and probably miserable, but I would have spared myself this heartache.

“You’ve got to get up, honey,” my mum called through the door and I sighed.
“I know,” I called back, pushing back my duvet and grabbing my medication. I quickly swallowed 2 pills and headed into the bathroom to start getting ready. Begrudgingly, I pulled on my uniform and went down to the kitchen. “I don’t want to go,” I said as I sat heavily at the kitchen table.
“I know,” my mum said softly, placing a hand on my shoulder. “I can’t even imagine what you’re feeling right now. But avoiding him by not going to school isn't going to fix it.” I sighed heavily and nodded.
“Yeah,” I said. I knew she was right, I knew it had to happen eventually. I just didn’t want it to happen today.

I managed to time it so I got to school only a few minutes before the bell. Josh hadn’t driven me in or even offered, so my mum had done it. I hadn’t really expected him to, though. Instead of going to my locker first and risk seeing Josh, I went to my first class of the day, Biology and for once I was glad I didn’t share that lesson with Josh or Sophia. And really, seeing Sophia would be just as bad as seeing Josh. She would obviously know by now what had happened and I wasn’t expecting her to be on my side; Josh was her best friend after all. It was kind of sad when I realised that I had no other friends than those two. But I guess that was best. I’d always been cautious of getting close to people in case they made fun of me for my illness. And now Josh had abandoned me because of it. I’d been right; it was better not to have friends.

At lunch, I inevitably ran into them. I was at my locker and Sophia came over to me, Josh several steps behind me. “Hi, Dani,” she smiled and I shot a weak smile at her before turning back to my locker. Josh didn’t say anything so nor did I. “How was your weekend?” she asked and I slammed my locker closed and looked at her in disbelief. Was she really that stupid? Instead of answering, I just pushed passed her and walked away. I wasn’t going to stand there while she was acting like nothing had happened, pretending like she had no idea what was going on and Josh just acts like he can’t see me and has no idea how much he’d hurt me. No one could expect me to be okay in that situation.

I went to the library, somewhere I knew Josh wouldn’t really go. It was the safest place to be to avoid him. Even though I didn’t get to have lunch, it was worth it. I took my medication and took out my English Lit homework that I’d done a half-arsed job with. It was due that afternoon and so I figured I might as well try to do a bit more of it.

I was dreading the English lesson. That’s the one I shared with Josh and Sophia. I even sat with them for crying out loud. It was going to be blatantly obvious to everyone in the room that something had happened. There were a couple of empty seats at the back of the room, so there wasn’t an issue with having to sit with them. But still, I’d be close to Josh.

Just like that morning, I got to the lesson bang on time so that I wasn’t forced into talking with Sophia. I sat in an empty seat at the back of the room next to a random girl who I’d never spoken to before. She gave me a curious look but otherwise didn’t say anything. I could feel eyes on me. Whether they were Sophia’s or Josh’s or anyone else in the class, I wasn’t sure and I didn’t want to find out. I didn’t say a word throughout the lesson and as soon as the bell rang, I was out of my seat and out of the classroom.

I went back to my locker to grab my books and I sensed someone behind me before I even turned. I took a deep breath and looked over my shoulder to see Josh standing sheepishly behind me. “Can we talk?” he asked and I shut my locked and turned to him properly.
“No,” I said quietly. “You’ve had two days. You missed your chance. I’m done. We’re done.”
“Dani,” he said desperately but I shook my head and stepped away from him.
“Your reaction was the very reason why I knew I couldn’t have friends, why I couldn’t have a boyfriend,” I said. “My dad told me I could even though I knew better. Thank you for proving me right.” And with that, I left the building, my heart racing and tears trickling down my cheeks.