Shield Me From the Storms

I took a deep breath as my mum paid for my prescription. I don’t know why she’d insisted on coming with me to fill out my new medications. I was perfectly capable of doing it myself, but apparently she didn’t think so. It was kind of annoying, because it wasn’t like I was a complete invalid, but at the same time, they are expensive so at least she was paying. We’d made it just in time before the pharmacy closed, which was a blessing because I didn’t want to have to go back out with my mum any time soon. Sometimes she was just too overbearing.

She chatted at me the whole drive home. I really wasn’t in the mood. I hadn’t been in the mood to even leave the house, but she’d all but dragged me out, insisting that we needed to get my next months’ worth of medication immediately. I think she sort of wanted to bond with me or whatever about the whole Josh situation. But I wasn’t going to talk to her about it. I wasn’t a girl and I didn’t like opening up about my feelings. I never had. For a while, my parents thought about sending me to a therapist because they thought I was closed off about my epilepsy. I wasn’t closed off, I just didn’t like being emotional and breaking down over something that I couldn’t change. And the Josh situation was the same. He’d hurt me, he’d broken my heart. I’d had no control over it. It was done with now.

When we got home, my mum went to the bathroom to put the medication away from when I’d need it and I went into the kitchen, only to freeze in the doorway when my gaze landed on Josh. There was a tense silence when I looked at Josh and my dad in shock and they both looked back at me anxiously. “Dani, I-“
“What the hell, dad?” I cried, interrupting Josh. I didn’t need to hear what he had to say, I didn’t. I looked away from Josh, not needing the reminder of just how gorgeous he was. I didn’t need to look into those wide, hazel coloured eyes and see the sadness in them. I wasn’t going to let that work on me. But my dad’s expression was just as sad.
“Daniel, I think you should listen to-“
“No,” I said immediately. I could feel my heart pounding and my breathing starting to come quicker. I knew I needed to sit down or lie down before I had another seizure. Another one in front of Josh was the last thing I wanted. I put a hand out on the door frame to steady myself just in case. They both frowned in concern but I held a hand up to stop them approaching. “I want you to leave,” I said to Josh and he frowned.
“Dani, please,” he whispered and I shook my head, looking away from him. I couldn’t stand it. It wasn’t fair. He hurt me, why was he making me feel bad for not listening to him?
“Just leave,” I sad and Josh sighed and nodded.
“For what it’s worth,” he said softly, “I am sorry.” I just nodded, feeling a build up behind my eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was the sign of a seizure or that I was about to cry. Josh then grabbed his coat, said goodbye to my dad and left, walking passed me as he did so. I nearly, nearly stopped him. But I controlled myself. It was better this way. I couldn’t handle it if he ran every time I had a seizure. I had them way too frequently for that to be okay. He would need to accept it and I was terrified that he wouldn’t.

Once I heard the front door open and close, I sighed in relief. “How could you let him in?” I asked my dad, trying to grasp what he might possibly have been thinking.
“He looked miserable, Dan,” he said and I glared at him.
“So?” I asked. “Did you not think for one second that letting him in here would make me feel miserable?”
“You need to let him talk to you,” he said, ignoring my question and I shook my head, which suddenly felt like it weighed 10 tonnes.
“No,” I said. “It’s too late. I know all I need to know. He ran when I needed him. How can I trust him, how can I rely on him to be there in the future?”
“He loves you, Dan,” my dad said and I stubbornly shook my head.
“No he doesn’t, otherwise he would have stayed,” I said and my dad sighed. I suddenly felt nauseas and quickly went into the living room to lie on the sofa, sensing an imminent seizure.

Only a minute later, it hit and my muscles tensed and I blacked out.

When I came to, my dad was hovering over me with a deep frown on his face. “This is stressing you out more than usual,” my dad said and I rolled my eyes as I sat up slowly.
“Of course it is,” I said quietly. “I loved him and he hurt me.”
“You don’t love him anymore?” he asked, sitting on the sofa next to me. I paused for a moment and sighed.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “I want to…but how I love him if I can’t trust him?”
“You need to talk to him, Dan,” he said adamantly and I frowned. “If, after talking to him you decide you still don’t feel you can let him in, then fine, I’ll drop it and I won't let him in the house again. I just really think if you don’t hear him out, you’ll regret it.”
“What if it makes everything worse,” I whispered and my dad shook his head.
“I don’t think it will,” he said. “How could it? Talking to him could only help the situation. Is there anything he could do to hurt you anymore?” I frowned and shook my head. Running away had pretty much been the worst thing. Other than cheating, but I knew Josh wasn’t that sort of guy. “Then what harm could it do? It can only make things better.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said and my dad smiled.
“Great,” he said. “Now, what do you want for dinner?”

The rest of the evening, I thought about what my dad had said. It was true, I don’t think anything josh said would make me feel worse. I felt like I was at rock bottom. So talking to him would either help or I’d stay the same. The thought of actually facing Josh, though, was kind of terrifying. The last two times I’d seen him, I’d all but yelled at him. How could I even be sure if he still wanted to be with me after that? Not that I still wanted to be with him…but maybe under certain circumstances I could be convinced to reconsider. I did love him, after all. Even though I’d told my dad I wasn’t sure, I knew deep down that I still love him; I always would. He was just…he was it for me. He was that one person who I felt safe with, who I thought would always be there for me. And I guess that’s what made this so hard. I’d been faced with the harsh reality that Josh might not feel the same. That, in fact, Josh wouldn’t always be there for me. I didn’t know if I could forgive him…but maybe my dad was right, maybe he did deserve a chance to explain.