Shield Me From the Storms

I wasn't surprised that Dani wanted me out, but I still had hoped and it still hurt every time he looked at me with such anger. I just wanted to hold him again, feel the warmth from his body seeping into my mine. I wanted things to be right, but unless he was willing to listen to my story, that wasn't going to happen. I had to start accepting that he might not want me anymore, that no matter how hard I try, he will never cave. The thought of never having him again hurt more than I could ever have imagined, but I knew it to be true. I had to prepare myself.
I entered my house and was almost brought to the floor by the ambush of my animals. My two dags, my cats, and one kitten all pawed at my legs, begging for attention. I smiled softly and collapsed on my coach, turning on the telli to a random channel and allowed my pets to surround me with their fur coats and unconditional love.
A gold flash caught my attention and I lazily looked at the fish tank I'd built into the window about a month ago. Inside was a goldfish, swimming back and forth several times before finally settling down in its little hut. Seeing the goldfish reminded me of Dani and I's first date and how he looked in the soft glow of the candle at our table. I remembered it perfectly and God, it hurt deep in my chest, but it also made me smile, because it was a happy memory. My eyes began to sting as I realized how much I missed Dani. Just as I was about to give up and let the self pity and tears wash over me, my cell vibrated in my pocket.
I pulled it out and flipped it open with my thumb without checking the caller ID. The only people that ever called me anymore were Sophia and Linda and seeing as I was already home, I doubted Linda was calling me.
“Hey chocolicious, how did it go with Dani?”
I sighed at Sophia's attempt to be funny with a sensitive subject, but I didn't berate her for it. “It didn't go as I planned,” I murmured, sinking further into my coach and curling my legs further into my body, using a nearby blanket and my animals to snuggle with.
“Oh,” she spoke softly, probably feeling bad now. “Well, what did happen?”
“His dad was there.” The silence on the other end told me she was waiting in suspense for a bad story, like he beat me up or something. “He was... extraordinarily nice to me, Sophia. He offered me tea and... we talked. I told him... everything.”
Her gasp was audible even through the phone. “Oh my God. What did he say?”
“He didn't get a chance to say anything. Dani got home before he could and he – well, Dani kicked me out the second he saw me.”
“Jeez. Joshua, you might have convinced Daddy to come to the dark side.”
“There shouldn't be any sides, Sophia.”
“No, no, you're right, but Josh, this could be incredibly good for you. If Daddy Dani understands your side of the story, he could, you know, fight for you. Dani ought to listen to his Daddy's advice, don't ya think?”
I hadn't thought about it like that, but I had to agree with her. If I had anything to go by, Mr. Bell was extremely accepting of my story. He encouraged me when I paused or was on the verge of tears. He... he treated me like his own son for God's sake. Why wouldn't he urge Dani to listen to me?
“God, Sophia, for once I hope you're right.”
“Me too, kid. Me too.”
My phone started to beep. I thought maybe it was telling me the battery was low, but when I looked at it, I nearly had a heart attack.
“Oh, fucking Christ, Sophia I gotta go. Dani's calling me.” I didn't wait for a response from her. I immediately hit the accept button. “Dani,” I breathed.
“Josh,” came his soft reply. There was a moment of silence and then I heard him clear his throat. “I – I've been thinking... I'd like to have that talk with you.”
I couldn't help it, I sat straight up, like a pole had replaced my spine. My animals all leaped from the coach, surprised and annoyed at my disturbing them.
“R-really?” I swallowed hard. “Great. Um, when?”
“Um,” I heard him swallow too. “How about you just come over now?”
I stood up, already putting on my shoes. “I'll be right over.”
He didn't say anything more, just hung up. I stared at my phone, not believing what just happened. Holy shit. This was my chance. I didn't bother with a coat. I ran out my door without a second glance, standing on Dani's porch within thirty seconds. I knocked and after a few painful moments, Dani's mom opened the door.
She stared at me for a long moment. “What are you doing here?” She almost sneered at me, but I could understand her anger.
“Dani called me. Asked me to come over.”
She looked me up and down and then stepped to the side so I could come inside.
“Where's your coat, boy?” She asked, brushing off some stray snow flakes from my back.
“I, um, forgot it.”
“Well, remember it next time. You'll catch a cold. Dani's upstairs in his room.” With that, she left, entering the kitchen. I heard the clattering of pots and pans.
I made my way up the stairs and down the hall to Dani's room. Once I reached his door, I released a deep breath I hadn't realized I was holding and stepped inside. He was sitting on the edge of his bed in a pair of sweatpants and a snug, long sleeve shirt. His hair was in every direction and his eyes looked incredibly tired. I closed the door behind me and took a seat beside him on the edge of the bed. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was so beautiful. I reached out to touch his cheek, but he leaned away from my hand. I let it fall into my lap.
“Dani, I -”
It happened so suddenly, I don't even remember him turning and bringing back his hand. One minute I was looking at the back of his neck, the next my head had completely snapped to the side and my cheek stung like a bitch. My hand automatically went up to touch it and I stared at Dani in total surprise.
He looked at me in rage that quickly disappeared and was replaced by guilt. He stood up from the bed. “I'm sorry. I didn't... I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry.”
I shook my head, staring at the floor. “God knows I deserved it.”
He didn't say anything and it grew silent. We both stared at the floor, neither of us knew what to say, what to do. I looked up at him, noticing the beginnings of stress circles under his eyes, the small amount of greasiness in his rustled hair, his small, thin frame. He looked so fragile, but I knew he wasn't weak. He was the strongest person I knew. And yet, I had broken him. I could see it in every pore.
“Dani,” I began, finely gaining some confidence to speak up. “I'm so, so sorry.”
He finally looked at me, eyes shimmering with emotion. “You're sorry?” I heard him swallow thickly. “Do you have any idea what you did to me? Do you even understand an ounce of the pain I went through? The betrayal? You left me, Josh! You ran, just got up and ran when I needed you most!” He was shouting at me now, tears flowing freely down his cheeks. The agony in his broken voice tore at my soul. “I needed you,” he sobbed. “I believed that when the time came you would prove yourself to be the man I thought you were, but you didn't. How can I trust you now? How can I ever count on you?”
“What was I supposed to do, Dani? You never told me you were sick. You never gave me anything to go on. I was scared. I panicked. I made a horrible mistake by running away, but I was absolutely horrified.”
“Of what? Me? I was seizing, Josh. What the Hell would I be able to do to you?”
“I wasn't afraid of you, Dani. Goddamn it, I was afraid for you.”
“If you were afraid for me, you would have stayed. You have called an ambulance or something. Jesus, I could have been dying and you left! What if it had been in public? Would you have just waltzed off then, too?”
“No!”
“Then what's your excuse? What's your big reason that got my dad to convince me to talk you, huh? Because right now, I'm not feeling the least bit different.”
I exhaled, feeling the familiar tightening in my chest. “Yours wasn't the first seizure I've seen.”
He stared at me. “What do you mean not the first?”
“I mean I've seen someone having one before... my dad.” His brows furrowed, but he didn't say anything. He just came and sat on the bed again, facing me this time. “It was before I moved to England... in fact it the was the night we boarded our first flight. I remember being so excited to move to our new home in England. I would see Sophia again, who's family had moved a year before. And... I would be with my family again. My dad had returned from the war, retired and ready to raise a family the proper way. We were going to be so happy...,” I trailed off, all the images of smiling faces and laughter echoing in my mind's ear. “But we never made it to the airport that night. My father, unknowing of his epilepsy, had a seizure at the wheel. We piled up with three other cars, three people killed, one of them my father,” I fought back tears, needing to finish this, and cleared my throat. “My mother has never been the same since then and I guess, neither have I. When I saw you on the floor Dani... everything came rushing back to me. The headlights, the car horns, the screaming... God, the screaming. I panicked. All I could see and think was my dad and I...,” I trailed off again, unable to say the words. I left him. I left Dani on his bedroom floor like the lousy, worthless person I was. I looked at him, unable to decipher anything his face expressed. There was so much there, nothing stood out to me. “I swear to you, I will never run away from you again. I recognize the horrible mistake I made. I regret it every day.”
“How can I know that, Josh?” He whispered, but his hands took mine and our gazes locked. “How can I trust you?”
“Because I love you, Dani. I love you more than anything in this world. I will never rest until I meet all your desires. I will never sleep until you are the happiest person alive. I will never disappoint you again. I swear to God and all that is mighty, you are the most important person in my life. I love you so much.”
He had a fresh set of tears trickling down his pale cheeks. My thumb wiped a few away before I went in for the unexpectedly passionate kiss. Our lips crushed together, practically becoming one. I cupped the back of his head so he couldn't escape the onslaught of kissing, but I don't think he wanted to. His hands groped my body, trying to find a hold as he climbed rather clumsily into my lap. I held him there, fearful he would suddenly disappear. But he didn't. He simply pulled back from the kiss with a small smile on his lips.
“I love you too, Joshua,” he said before tackling me to the bed with another, fierce and passionate kiss.