Just Me and the Guys

“Aubree? You sure you want to do this?” Kaylee, my best friend asked me, her eyes rimmed in red. She took it hard when she heard her brother had died, but she didn’t blame me. I, however, took the blame.

“Aubree?”

I just nodded my head as I stood up, following her through the halls as we entered the main part of the church. I waited for the pastor to motion towards me, holding his mic out to me.

I gingerly took the device from his hand, taking a deep breath before I started speaking. “Grant was an amazing person. He was the most caring, sweetest guy you’ll ever meet. Throughout all the years I’ve known him, even before we started dating, he always put others first.” I took in a shaky breath, fighting the tears that threatened to fall from my eyes. “Although I still wish he was still with us, I know that I’ll always treasure the times we’ve spent together. Kaylee asked me if I could sing something since it was something Grant and I always used to do together and I agreed. I was going to his favorite song, but I felt as though he would have preferred this song to be sung to let people know that he’ll be watching over us from now on.” With a nod at the techie, I heard the beginning play before I started singing the words.

“I found myself today. Oh, I found myself and ran away. Something pulled me back, voice of reason I forgot I had.” I let a few tears fall from my eyes. I brought my hand up to wipe my eyes, never letting my voice falter.

“So I won’t give up, no I won’t break down. Sooner than it seems, life turns around. And I will be strong, even if it all goes wrong. When I’m standing in the dark, I’ll still believe someone’s watching over me.”

As I sang, I noticed several people smiling, tears in their eyes as they nodded their head, some even mouthing the words along with me. I felt my heart clench as I swallowed hard during a break in the song. I took a deep breath and continued to sing, my hands clutching my dress as I finished the song.

“Someone’s watching over me.” I gave a watery smile to the crowd as I handed my mic back to the pastor before I took my seat next to Kaylee, who grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

“Good job. I’m sure he’s proud of how strong you’ve been,” Kaylee muttered over to me, a sad smile on her face. I squeezed her hand back, nodding my head to her. More people stood up to talk about Grant, some bringing up their favorite memories with him, others telling us what he’s done to help them. But I just wanted the funeral to be done with. I just wanted to go home.

I wasn’t able to go home until hours later, but even then, I couldn’t bear to bring myself to the burial portion. As I hugged Kaylee at the church, I told her about how I wasn’t ready to let him go just yet. She had given me the look, but hadn’t said anything to me. She only nodded her head, giving me a tight squeeze before she got into the limousine that would follow the hearse to the cemetery.

Once home, I stripped from my black dress, not even bothering to put my pajamas on as I climbed under my covers, hugging the teddy bear Grant had won for me at a carnival only 2 months ago. Tears fell onto the stuffed animal as I let out all the pent up emotion I had to hold in. I missed him so much and it was all my fault he was gone.

If only I didn’t need to go to the store.

If only I didn’t ruin the spaghetti.

If only I had waited for Grant to get out of the car before walking towards the sidewalk.

I only cried as all the guilt crushed me, all the what if’s filling my head.

xXxXxXxXxXx

I woke with a start as my phone chirped out. I sighed, staying in my same position as I decided to let the answering machine get it. It’s already been 9 days since the funeral, almost two months since the accident, and I still don’t think I had come to terms with Grant’s death. After the standard greeting and the loud beep, Kaylee’s voice filled the apartment.

“Aubree? It’s Kaylee. I’m just checking up on you. I haven’t seen you since the funeral. In fact, everyone I’ve talked to hasn’t heard from you in a while and we’re getting worried. So if you can, call me back. If not, I’m coming by the apartment after I finish class.” With a soft click, the machine cut off and I sighed, slowly sitting up from my bed. I was still only clad in my underwear and I hadn’t bothered to keep up with my hygiene beyond brushing my teeth and taking the occasional shower. But if Kaylee was going to swing by, I had to at least look somewhat decent. If I didn’t answer the door, Kaylee would just use the spare key she took from me when I had first gotten the apartment to come in.

An hour later, as Kaylee was knocking on the door, I greeted her and she frowned as her eyes scanned my appearance. My hair, getting a bit oily, had been thrown into a messy bun. I had also put some clothes on so that I was wearing a pair of black sweats and a red shirt.

“Hey,” I told her, moving to the side to let her in as I shut the door behind her. “What’s up?”

She took one look at my apartment and frowned. “I’m worried about you.” I shrugged, sitting down at my small kitchen table as she sighed, grabbing a bunch of envelopes out of her purse. “I grabbed your mail for you. Apparantly, your mailbox was almost full to the top.”

I grabbed the envelopes from her, thanking her as I slowly went through the mail.

Bill. Bill. Magazine subscription. Letters from my parents.

I frowned as I stopped on a particular letter, dropping the rest of the mail on the table as I opened the letter in my hand, frowning as my eyes scanned over the words before I shrugged, tossing the letter to the ground. I turned to Kaylee, who was frowning and snatched up the letter from the ground, her frown deepening as she read it.

“You dropped out of college?”

I shrugged my shoulder. “I guess. The letter said they sent me 5 other letters saying that I needed to come back soon or they would assume I dropped out. I just don’t remember getting any letters telling me that.”

With a scream of frustration, Kaylee slammed her hand on the table, her face red as she practically spewed out fire. “This is getting too much Aubree. You need to move on. I know it’s tough having Grant gone. He’s my brother. You don’t think I’m sad he’s gone? But he would have hated it if you were just wasting your life away just cause you felt guilty about his death. If it was one thing I’ll remember about him, it was how unselfish he was, always putting people first. Even if he knew he was going to die, he would have still protected you. Even if he’s gone, he would still want people to be happy. He’s just that kind of person.”

“But I miss him so much,” I whispered as tears once again filled my eyes, my chest aching that familiar pain.

She sighed, taking a seat next to me. I can visibly see her trying to calm herself down. After a few minutes, she finally spoke up.

“No one said you couldn’t miss him. We’re all going to miss him. But you can’t just throw your life away just because he’s gone. He wouldn’t have wanted that.”

“I just …” I trailed off, struggling to find the right words to describe what I wanted to say. “It’s just that I don’t know what to do anymore. We had all these plans. He was my support system. But without him, I … I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“You have to find a new path now. But remember, you’re not alone,” Kaylee said, bringing me into a hug.

I returned the hug, sobbing into her shoulders as I realized the truth behind her words. But like with everything, I told myself I wasn’t ready to move on just yet.