I'm Looking for Something More Than This

I felt myself slowly waking up and I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. I saw I still had the teddy bear Kendall had given me tucked in my arms and pictures of Kendall and I were scattered all over from when I was looking at them last night. My eyes were all puffy from crying and I knew I looked like a mess which is why I groaned when I heard the door open.

I knew that it was either Logan or Sophie since they had a key or one of the BTR boys who knew where we hid an extra key, but I knew it wouldn’t be Kendall so either James or Carlos. The frame that came walking through caught me totally off-guard.

“Oh…um hey,” Kendall sent me a little wave.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“Well Soph just came home and I knew her and Logan would be locked away in his room and I figured you’d still be asleep so I was just um, gonna…leave you a note,” He mumbled, shrugging his shoulders even though his hands were tucked away in his pockets.

“Oh,” I didn’t know what else to say.

“Still have the teddy bear I gave you?” Kendall let a little smirk come over his lips, taking a step closer. “I thought you might burn him after what happened.”

“I can’t take it out on this little guy,” I couldn’t help but giggle, cuddling his soft fur closer to my body, making Kendall laugh.

Kendall walked over, taking a seat in a chair across from the couch I was sitting on and he looked at the pictures of us scattered around and picked one up. It was a very special one from when we were in Disneyworld.

“This was when I first told you that I love you,” He said, his green eyes falling on the picture.

“Loved,” I corrected.

“Love,” Kendall corrected me back, bringing his eyes p to mine. “I love you, not loved you.”

“Soph told you about Nathan and I, didn’t she? That’s why you’re here huh?” I shot at him.

“Well yeah she did, but it’s not why I’m here. I mean, it kind of made me think a lot last night but…” He trailed off.

“Kendall,” I started.

“Yeah?”

“I’m trying to accept that our relationship is over, but I just need to know why you broke up with me,” I started. “Maybe I was just naive but I thought we had a great relationship and that we both loved each other and were happy, but I know there was a reason you broke up with me, there had to be and I just need to know why.”

“Kirstie,” He sighed. “I was just scared.”

“Scared of what? Me?” I asked, feeling hurt come over me.

“No, no, of course not you,” Kendall gently said, his eyes begging me to believe him. “I was scared of the way you made me felt.”

“I don’t understand,” I told him.

“When I was really serious with a girl before, I got my heart broken so badly and I didn’t feel anywhere near the way I felt about you. I just love you so much and I was so afraid of losing you because I knew it’d kill me,” He sighed, rubbing his hands on his face then up through his dark blonde hair. “But then I realized that when I broke up with you, I just did all of that to myself and to you.”

“I…don’t even know what to say,” I sighed.

Kendall got up and moved over to sit next to me and softly sang, ”I used to think that love, was something fools made up cause all I knew was heartbreak.” I couldn’t help but smile at his beautiful voice.

“Kirstie, I was a fool to have ever broken up with you and it was the stupidest thing I’ve done. It kills me to know I hurt you too and I understand if you can’t forgive me or can’t ever love me anymore but I just wanted you to know why and that I love you so much Kirstie,” He told me.

“You think I’d be sitting here with the teddy bear you gave me, wearing one of your old shirts and surrounding myself with pictures of us if I couldn’t forgive you?” I had to laugh, as well as he did.

“But do you still love me?” He gently asked.

“I will always love you Kendall, no matter what,” I replied.

His lips quickly shot into a bright smile, his green eyes lighting up just like mine did. Kendall cupped my cheek with his hand as he brought his lips to mine. This was what I didn’t feel with Nathan, I didn’t feel all of this emotion in that kiss, all the attraction, connection, and love between us.

After we parted the two of us just laid down and he engulfed me in his warm embrace. We just cuddled and enjoyed being with one another. I couldn’t have felt more complete and happy then and I knew that we both felt the love that we had for each other and that was the best feeling in the world.