Limits

“How could Zayn be so stupid?! I just don’t understand why he can’t admit his fucking feelings,” I said to myself.

I walked over to the bed and sat down forcefully.

My mind was reeling. If you like someone, then why treat them as if they don’t matter? I understood that Zayn wasn’t great with feelings, but it wasn't nice to degrade that girl to just another play thing.

I was frustrated beyond belief. Placing my head in my hands, I let my thoughts run rampant and fight it out.

Why do I care so much?

The curtains in the room suffocated the light, leaving darkness in its wake. My bed, although unmade, was welcoming as I curled into a ball, tucking my knees into my chest, and pulling my duvet tighter around me.

My phone sounded next to me, and I instinctively smiled when I saw that it was Harry. Something seemed off about him, but I didn’t want to push him. If he wanted to talk to me, then he would.

I opened the message on my mobile and stared openmouthed at it.

I need to talk to you.

I dropped the device on the nightstand as my feet decided to work on their own. I paced about the room, thinking about what Harry wanted to say.

Would he finally let me in?

My mobile loudly blared a piece from Look After You again.

“Hello,” I answered, knowing it was Harry.

He sounded broken. “Louis,” he breathed, “Why didn’t you answer the text I sent you?”

I pulled my eyebrows together in confusion. “I figured you would just come into the room to talk to me.”

“I…umm…well, that would be the logical thing to do, but I thought you would at least acknowledge the fact that I sent you a message so that I knew if it was okay to come in,” he said rapidly.

“Harry,” I began, “you know that you can talk to me whenever you want. You aren’t bothering me in the least.”

“O-okay,” he muttered.

A series of knocks sounded at my bedroom door.

I opened it to see a disheveled Harry. His eyes were red as if he had been crying, and his hair looked as though he had been pulling at it.

“Harry?” I dropped my phone just as he lowered his to his side.

After a deafening silence filled the space between us, enveloping us in a world of our own, I spoke again.

“Are you alright, Haz? What is it that you wanted to say?”

The younger boy was trembling and looked as though he was trying to overcome an internal battle.

His eyes darted to my face and the floor as his feet moved him closer. Before I could tell what was happening, he had his lips on mine.

He caught me completely off-guard. My hands pushed him away before my mind even registered what I wanted.

I would never forget the face I saw after I pushed him away. I hurt him. My Harry. I broke him beyond repair. It was all my fault. I didn’t mean to, but I made a huge mistake.

My mind was swimming and sliding, unable to grasp the facts.

He was my best friend, and he put everything out there to show me how he felt. I ended up throwing it in his face and tearing apart every bit of childlike innocence he still had left.

The fact of the matter was that I liked Harry. I liked him more than he would ever know. I was shattered as the tears fell from his eyes, and he ran from the room, leaving me dumbfounded.

My feet wouldn’t budge. They felt heavy as though they were moving through quicksand. A scream erupted from my throat.

“Harry!”

He didn’t stop. He didn’t even turn back as he walked through the door and ran outside.

I collapsed onto my knees. I felt defeated. I was frustrated with myself for acting like Zayn did. Maybe there was sense to his actions. Then again, love doesn’t play by any conventional rules. Love was difficult and needed attention. It was never easy, but that’s the fun in playing the game.

My eyes let the tears flow freely down my cheeks. I placed my head in my hands , wanting so badly to chase after him.

Something inside of me wouldn’t let me run after my best mate.

“Louis? Are you alright? Crap, you’re not alright, you’re crying. What’s wrong?” I felt a hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me.

Looking up, I met a pair of chocolate brown orbs. The concern in them threatened to reach out and hold me until my tears disappeared.

“Li,” I said biting my lip, “I…I screwed up big time. I didn’t mean to push him away like that. I would never hurt him as much as I did. I just…I just can’t believe how absolutely stupid I was. Who the fuck pushes away the best thing that’s ever happened to them? This fucking moron, that’s who.”

My chest was rising and falling rapidly as the tears began to constrict my breathing. The world around me was spinning out of control, and my head couldn’t take it anymore. The pounding was becoming too much for me to handle.

I looked back at Liam, and my vision was blurred. It was as if I were looking through a distorted window in the rain, all clarity gone.

Through the blur, I could tell he was trying to process the information. He nearly jumped when he understood what was going on.

“Oh my God,” he said, covering his mouth, “that’s why Harry ran out like that. I’ve never seen him look that broken. He looked so lost, but I figured he just needed some time to think. But…but you did something to cause it, Lou. What do you mean by you ‘pushed him away’.”

“Well, he…he kissed me. Harry kissed me. I was just so shocked that pushed him away without thinking about it. But… that was a mistake, Li. I …I…I think I might lihm,” I said, mumbling the last word.

“You might what?”

I blushed furiously at having to repeat myself. The red was like a fever. It spread over my face and neck like wildfire.

“Like him,” I yelled, “I think I might like him.”

I thought Liam was going to laugh at me, but instead, he lifted me up, brought me into his arms, and hugged me tightly.

“Oh, Lou, it’s all right. You shouldn’t be embarrassed. We’re your friends. Try and calm down.”

I tried to breathe, but the air wasn’t coming. It was like suffocating a flame by removing its source of oxygen. My stomach was doing flips as my breathing grew faster.

“Louis! You need to breathe,” said Liam, worry thickly laced throughout his voice. He looked like he was going to run around with no direction if he couldn’t get the situation under control.

No matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t getting my body under control. It had a mind of its own. I could feel the room going dark. Bright dots danced around my vision like the lights of Paris. Before I realized it, I was falling, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was grabbed by a pair of strong arms as the world around me was surrounded in a sea of black.

***

Laughter. Laughter filled my ears as I walked down the hallway. My shoes created a harsh squeaking sound over the tile. People began to appear through the darkness, pointing and screaming harsh words.

Then, Harry appeared. He was running and crying. I needed to find him. This time, I couldn’t let him go. I wasn’t going to lose him again.

As I ran, the room seemed to melt, turning my senses off and making everything distorted like a painting by Salvador Dalí.

Every movement slowed until I was stopped. I could no longer see or hear Harry. I tried yelling his name, but my voice was cut off as if it were being asphyxiated by flames, taking away every bit of oxygen to sustain itself.

Someone was shaking my shoulder, and my eyes flew open as I was fighting for breath.

“Louis! It’s all right. Just listen. You were having a panic attack, and you weren’t breathing. We brought you to the hospital. We weren’t sure what to do. So, take a few deep breaths.”

I attempted to do as he asked, being too tired to argue. Thoughts tried to enter my mind to bring further panic, but I fought it off.

“H-Harry…where is he?” I asked Liam.

Right as Liam was about to answer, a deep voice filled the room.

“I’m right here, Boo Bear,” he said, walking toward me as quickly as he could.

He wrapped his arms around me, and I broke down. “I’m so sorry, Haz. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that. I wasn’t thinking straight and…”

“Louis,” he interrupted, “It’s okay. Liam told me everything. I forgive you.”

My eyes widened. Everything.

“Even the part where I said how much I… how much I…”

“How much you what?”

I couldn’t get the words out, so I did the only logical thing: I kissed him. I pulled him into my arms and kissed him.

I felt him tense and relax under my touch as he melted into the kiss, his soft lips moving against mine.

“Like you,” I said pulling away and resting my forehead on his.

He closed his eyes and smiled, “I like you too, Louis.”

We held each other for what seemed like eternity before we heard a cough and broke apart.

“Sorry to interrupt, but Niall and Zayn are coming back.”

We shrugged and Harry sat in the seat nearest the hospital bed.

I flashed him a few smiles as I drank him in from his toes, to his long torso, to his bright green eyes, and his mess of curls. He was absolutely gorgeous.

I couldn’t help but get lost in my thoughts.

We finally admitted our feelings, but what does that mean now? What are we to each other? We can’t still be just friends, can we?

As those thoughts raced in my mind, the doctor entered.

“You seem to be all right now, Mr. Tomlinson. You are ready to leave when you can. Take your time,” he said as he walked out of the room.

With the questions burning at the back of my mind, I got ready and walked out of the hospital with my friends surrounding me.

What an eventful day of missing class. A least I had an excuse for missing a wonderful day of lectures and homework.

Harry jogged to catch up to me and grabbed my hand, not caring who was watching. A smile lit my features as I stared into his brilliant green eyes, getting lost in their beauty.