Limits

I want you back, want you, want you back.

My hand reached out to shut off the source of the noise. Unfortunately, my mind wasn’t cooperating with me, and I couldn’t seem to find the annoying sound that woke me up.

Next to me, a voice mumbled.

“Ugh. Too early for life. What the fuck is that alarm?”

Suddenly, I felt a stinging pain across my face.

“Shit, Kate! What the hell was that for?”

Opening her eyes, she squinted at me.

“Sorry, I was trying to stop that noise. I like Cher Lloyd, but I am in no mood for anyone’s sass this early in the morning. Which reminds me, why the fuck is it even going off for,” she grumbled.

A thought flashed through my mind. “Crap! We have school. Shit, shit, shit…get up, we need to get ready.”

“We? I’m just throwing up my hair and leaving. You are the one that takes forever to get ready, Miss P…Hey!” she said before I rolled her off of the couch, letting her slam into the coffe table.

I smiled down innocently at her. “Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean to hit you, you bugger. Were you trying to get me back?”

“Nope. Cher Lloyd apparently wants you back though,” I said as I ran into the washroom.

I turned on the shower and waited for the water to grow warm. I let the warm droplets fall down my back as I smiled about last night’s events. It was perfect really, almost too perfect to be true, but I knew that it was.

I probably didn’t deserve him, but I wanted to try. Maybe he would give me a chance.

A knocking sound interrupted my thoughts.

“Get your arse out of the shower! You have been in there for almost 30 minutes.”

Rolling my eyes, I turned off the water and reached out for a towel. My eyes widened. I probably should have made sure I had a towel before I took a shower.

“Kate?”

“What?”

“Erm, could you give me….could you give me a towel?”

I could almost see the evil smirk she was giving me through the door.

“Should have thought of that before you dumped me on the coffee table,” she said.

I slapped myself on the forehead.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

“Nope. Don’t want to hear it. Either you really apologize, or you’re going to walk out of that bathroom without any clothes on, your choice.”

“Fuck,” I whispered to myself.

“Did the nun just swear? Oh my gosh, I’ve corrupted you.”

I wanted so badly to just walk out of there and ignore her for the rest of the day, but I would never do that. I was too embarrassed to let anybody see me without clothes. I thought that was weird.

“Fine. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ll take you out for some frozen yogurt and you can get whatever you want,” I said sweetly.

“That’s much better, but I want you to say that I am the best friend in the whole world.”

She was pushing it, and she knew it.

“You are the best friend in the whole world.”

“Good Jane. The towel is right outside the door,” she snickered.

I opened the door slowly, peeked my head out and ducked down to grab the towel. I swiftly grabbed it and began drying myself. After I wrapped the towel around myself, I went toward Kate’s room to find some clothes.

She had a plethora of clothing. It was like a store, except more specifically designed for her. Everything she owned was cute, so it didn’t take me long to find something I liked. I settled on a flowy pink shirt with sequins and black skinny jeans. I slipped on my black flats from yesterday night, and looked at myself in the mirror.

It was something new. I always had to wear old dresses, and my mother’s clothes from the 80s. I guess it was cool, but they didn’t fit correctly, and some of it wasn’t me. None of those clothes were who I was. I wanted to express myself, but I was hiding behind those oversized veils. They hid who I was. Nothing about them showed the real me.

I twirled once, and caught Kate staring at me. I blushed and stopped turning.

“Sorry…”

“Honey, you don’t have to say sorry. You look absolutely amazing. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Now let’s go before we’re late. I don’t want your mother to hate me for this. She scares me. I don’t want her chasing me with cooking utensils,” she trailed off.

“Kate!” I said, slapping her, “She doesn’t hate you, nor would she ever.”

“Whatever you say,” she replied as she walked out of her room.

I continued to follow her, and she handing me a thermos. I glanced at her with a questioning look.

“It’s just Yorkshire tea. Oh, and way to show me up. Now I look like a total slob.”

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my mobile off of the counter. “No, you don’t. You look fine.”

She glared at me and trudged over to her car.

She placed the key into the ignition and drove to the building that seemed more like a nebulous cloud than actual reality. It didn’t seem that important in the grand scheme of things. What about those people out there who were suffering? We spent countless hours learning insignificant things while people were starving, not receiving an education, homeless, and living in poor conditions. Why don’t we spend our time figuring out how to help those who need it? Our main concern is how well we do in school. The main concern of most other people is survival.

We needed to rethink our priorities. But, I guess on a basic level, this is survival. You were either on top of the social pyramid, or on the bottom; I didn’t even exist. That all changed when I walked through those doors.

All eyes turned to me as I walked alongside Kate. I received many glares and surprised looks.

I stared at the ground, completely self-conscious. I started to tug at my, Kate’s, shirt as we entered the lunchroom. She pulled me toward an empty table.

“Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just don’t like the attention,” I stated, still pulling at the end of the shirt, as if I could hide behind it.

Kate placed her arm around me in a comforting manner, and I thanked her for being there.

The phone in my pocket buzzed. I never left it on during school, but I forgot to shut it off before I grabbed it from the counter. Kate found it in the couch while I was showering.

I looked at the screen and smiled: It was Liam.

Hey, love :P It’s Liam. That was stupid, you already know that… Well, things have been pretty crazy today. My best mates are all over the place, and I just figured I would talk to you while things cool down.

My thumbs hovered above the keyboard as I contemplated a reply.

Hey :P Well, I’m in school right now, so I might not be able to talk much, but what’s up with them? Everything okay?

I put my mobile back into its rightful place and looked back at Kate. She was grinning at me like a madman.

“What?”

“That was Liam, wasn’t it?”

I could feel the heat rise to my face. “Yes, it was.”

“I think you two are so adorable. I can’t wait to meet him,” she said as she tried to grab at my cheek in an attempt to squeeze it.

“I swear, you touch my face, and I’ll ask about Zayn.”

Her eyes grew wide, and she stopped.

“Thank you.”

The bell rang, and we had to separate. I had calculus while she had English.

My mood immediately dropped as I entered the cold classroom. No color existed around its borders. The walls were barren, and it reminded me of a hospital room, everything so sterile and plain.

I felt the phone in my pocket buzz, and I wanted to answer it. However, being the good student I was, I didn’t.

I knew I had to wait until lunch, so naturally, the day went on as if it were dragging lead. It was almost to the point of torture, but I made it.

I spotted Kate across the room and made my way over there.

“What does she think she’s doing. Trying to fit in? A whale like her would never fit anywhere.”

I turned my head toward the voice and cringed. It was everywhere. The whispering was coming from everyone. I turned and ran. They were only confirming my own thoughts.

I headed into the bathrooms and looked at myself in the mirror. They were right. I was kidding myself if I thought I was even remotely good enough. The tears scorched my face as they fell, each one leaving a trail of fire. They stung my eyes. My mind was whirling, and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I didn’t have to eat. It wasn’t necessary.

Without thinking, I made my way into an empty stall and made my decision.

A few minutes later, I let my head fall back against the thin steel door.

“Jane? Are you in here?”

I scrambled up from my place and left the stall calmly.

“Yeah, right here,” I said as I made my way over to the sinks.

“Are you okay? You ran out of there pretty fast.” She looked at me quizzically.

“Yeah, perfectly fine. I was just taken off guard I guess.”

“What happened?” She put a hand on my shoulder.

Why couldn’t she just stop? It wasn’t her business.

“Nothing, just leave it alone, alright?”

She looked like she didn’t want to back down, but her expression softened.

“Fine. But if you need to talk about it, just know that I’m here for you. I always will be. That’s what
friends are for,” she said as she ruffled my curls.

I let a smile slip from my lips, and then I remembered the message I had on my phone.

We walked back to the table she was sitting at and I pulled out my mobile.

“Two new messages,” it read.

That’s fine. Everything’s alright. It’s just that Louis and Harry finally came to their senses and realized that they like each other.

My eyes widened. I didn’t know about those friends, but I guess it’s good for them that they realized their feelings for each other, better late than never.

At the hospital now, Louis was having a panic attack. I think things are starting to fall into place now. How about you? Is everything alright with you?

It was as if he knew what I was going through, but I knew he didn’t. He was just asking how things were going. It required a straight answer, but my mind was flooding with different thoughts.

Sorry it took so long :P I hope Louis is okay! It’s great that they told each other, that’s sweet. Everything is fine. Some girls are just being typical girls. Ha-ha.

I pressed the send button before I realized what I wrote. I put my head in my hands. My head was spinning. Every thought was like a knife, stabbing every inch of my mind.

“Here, eat this,” said Kate, “You haven’t had a bite to eat since last night.”

I looked at the food as if it repulsed me.

“It’s alright, I’m not really hungry. I’ll eat when I go home.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” I said, smiling.

I lied to her. I can’t believe I did that. I didn’t want to, but I had to. Would she understand?
I didn’t know. I was scared.

I let the rest of the day go by in a blur. The sounds grew louder, but the pounding in my head subsided. Everything felt like a dream. I couldn’t tell reality from fantasy. The veil was torn from me. I told myself I wouldn’t let things get to me, and that’s what I was doing. I was letting them get into my mind. I was letting them warp my thoughts.

I pulled my mobile out from my pocket.

Yeah…I sort of skipped school to keep an eye on the boys. He’s fine now. It was so cute. They are adorable, really. Want to talk about it?

I felt happy. His words warmed my heart, and I felt like he cared. I felt like he was there with me. He was my sun amidst the dark clouds that marred my soul.

I bet :) That would be great actually. If you don’t mind?

I waited patiently for the response.

Anything for you ;) Tell me what’s bothering you, love. I’m all ears

Thank you. Actually, would you mind if we met up to talk?

Not at all. Where’d you have in mind?

Do you know the old park by the school?

I believe I do. See you there.

Soon :P

I smiled as I stuffed it back into my pocket.

“Hey, smiley,” said Kate from behind me.

I screamed and jumped about two feet into the air.

“Shit, Kate! You scared the hell out of me.”

“I know. That’s my specialty. Anyway, where are you meeting Liam?”

“How’d you know?”

“Only he has been able to make you smile like that. Now where to? The car is running and we are wasting precious fuel,” she said cheekily.

I glared at her, but managed to tell her to go to the park.

We drove in silence as I contemplated what I would speak to Liam about. The closer we got to our destination, the more nervous I felt. My palms were becoming slick with sweat, and my face was heating up.

Once we finally made it to the park, I saw Liam with four unfamiliar boys. Then I saw Kate’s jaw drop. One of the boys turned our way and a look of shock filled his features.

“You take me to a place where the guy I met last night is while I look like this. Remind me to put cold tea in your thermos next time.”

“Wait, that’s Zayn? Well, I approve. He has that mysterious vibe about him, and I like the glasses, it suits him,” I supplied.

I swore she growled at me, but stopped as they all approached us.

“Kate?” Zayn asked.

Light stubble littered his face, making him look older. His brown eyes seemed to melt at her sight. He took a few steps closer to her and enveloped her in his arms.

“Aw,” I said. I immediately covered my mouth so that they could have their moment.

Liam walked over to me, letting his arms greet me in a warm hug. I breathed in his scent, letting myself relax into the woodsy smell, so natural and perfect.

When we pulled away, I noticed that the other three went to play on the swing set. I guessed that the one with curly hair and the boy whose hand he was holding were Harry and Louis. I didn’t know about the other boy whose hair was a mixture of blonde and brown. The brown seemed to be fighting to be seen as it overpowered the blonde in its long struggle. He had a cute crooked smile and contagious laughter that sounded throughout the whole park and made my heart melt at the sound. A burst of happiness filled my body as I took in the sight.

“Are you alright?”

“Everyone seems to be asking me that question today.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then you aren’t alright. It’s okay to let people in you know. Shit happens. People are arseholes. Life goes on. Dealing with it is the hard part. So, I’m here. Talk to me. Tell me what you feel. You don’t have to tell me everything, but you need to know that I’ll listen. We only just met, so you don’t have to tell me your life story. Just tell me what you are comfortable with, and I’ll be here the whole time,” he said in a soft voice.

I slowly nodded my head. He led us over to an empty bench that was covered with graffiti and various carvings.

He wrapped an arm around me to shield me from the cold, and I leaned into his body.

I let my thoughts organize themselves in my head, but they refused to be tamed. They flew about in incoherent patterns as if they had a mind of their own.

My mouth began to spew out everything, everything but the most important things. All the while, I wondered: Where was that girl from last night?