Limits

The bowl was cold and menacing. I stared at its contents, hoping they would disappear. I knew they wouldn’t, but I hoped.

My fingers wrapped around the metal spoon, slowly lifting the chocolate dessert to my lips. As I swallowed, my mind screamed at me to stop. Each bite was a piece of hell; it burned my throat. I needed to get rid of it. I had to get rid of it.

I remembered my solution. I remembered the way out. I excused myself to the bathroom, hoping nobody would care, especially Kate.

She knew something. I was a terrible liar, but I was getting better. I needed to hide this from her. She wouldn’t understand. I absolutely loved her, but she couldn’t know. She would just judge me like everyone else.

I shut the door behind me, turning the faucet on, letting the water run along the sides of the sink, each droplet sliding into the next. My breathing was becoming ragged as my head pounded.

I emptied my stomach of its contents while trying to muffle the sound. It seemed to work as nobody was knocking at the thick white door. As I leaned against the tile, I could still taste the sweet dessert. I tried once more to dispel it from my system.

Black dots danced across my vision as I leaned back. My legs felt weak when I stood on them. I grabbed onto the edges of the sink to steady myself.

Before I closed the running water, pure and clear, I marred it. I rinsed my mouth to rid myself of the act I committed. What would Liam think? What would Kate think?

I tried to tell Liam, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him the whole truth. I was afraid, and I just let other thoughts flow from my mouth. I let him in on my other insecurities. He knew many things, but he still did not know everything. He didn’t need to know everything.

I was about to exit the bathroom when a loud knocking reverberated through the door. His voice followed the confident blows to the white wood. It was a sweet sound, flowing through my ears, letting me drift away like on a warm summer day under the sun at the beach. My whole being felt like it were on a cloud with every syllable he uttered.

“Are you alright? You’ve been in there for quite a while,” Liam said, sounding concerned, changing the song to one of worry.

I walked over to the door and unlocked it. I took in his presence, letting my eyes wander over his frame. His t-shirt was loose along his body as if he had been losing weight, but I didn’t think anything of it. I was more worried that he would question me further.

His hair was disheveled from the wind outside that blew it around his head like a small storm blowing leaves in circles through the air. His eyes brimmed with worry and concern for my wellbeing.

“I-I’m fine. Why?” I asked, my voice shaking.

“We thought we would check on you. You were in there for a while. And I thought I heard you being sick up here,” he said, his eyes looking into mine, searching for the answers.

I didn’t want to lie to him, but I had to.

“No, it was nothing. You were probably just hearing things,” I said nervously.

He looked at me as if he wanted to believe me, but then his eyes flickered with determination. He caught me in the lie.

“It wasn’t just me who heard it, Jane. Everybody down there heard it. Now, tell me. Tell me what’s going on,” he said, lowering his voice so that nobody would hear.

Tears began to pool in my eyes, and I looked down to hide my face. Liam took my chin in his long fingers and pulled my head up so that I was looking in his eyes.

“You can tell me,” he pleaded.

“I know,” I whispered, letting the tears escape from their prison.

“Then tell me.”

“I can’t,” I managed before I broke down and slid to the floor, my legs unable to hold me any longer.

A pair of strong arms caught me before I could fall and cradled me. I sobbed into his shoulder, wetting the fabric, staining it with sadness.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he said as he rubbed soothing circles onto my back.

I continued to cry as he planted soft kisses onto my head, pulling my hair away from my face.

"No, it's not. I hate it when people say that. It's not going to be okay no matter how many times you say it," I snapped, still letting the tears slide down my face.

"You're wrong. This time is different. Just tell me," he sent back, looking me in the eyes.

"That's bullshit and you know it, Liam. And you seem to be keeping secrets yourself. We've known each other for barely any time at all. The fact that we are even close at all is because we spoke to each other. In reality, I shouldn't have to tell you anything," I said, my voice betraying me as it shook with every word, every uttered consonant.

Instead of saying anything, he just held me. He held me as if he would never let go. He held me as if I was the last living creature on earth.

"If it's not okay now, then it will be. Believe me. When you are ready to talk, I'll be there. Just don't be afraid, Jane. Please, trust me," he whispered, his eyes pleading.

I looked into his chocolate colored eyes and nodded slowly.

"Ahem," coughed Harry obnoxiously, "I would say, 'Get a room,' but, one, you are already in one, and two, well, there is no two, but you get my point."

I tried to wriggle free from Liam's grasp, but he held on tight.

"Why? Can't you see we're busy here?" Liam retorted, as if nothing happened prior to Harry finding us.

"It's a wash room. It's not a very sanitary pace to be making out. Also, I need to use it. Now, if you wouldn't mind," Harry said, motioning toward the bathroom.

Liam shook his head in indignation, "Last time I checked, you and Lou were piss drunk and made out in the wash room. So, it's as good a place as any. Fuck off, Haz."

Harry's face turned beat red as he turned on his heel to exit the hallway.

After watching him walk away, Liam seemed to realize what he said.

"Shit, Haz, wait up! I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that. We'll go someplace else," Liam said, guilt marring every feature.

"You better be. By the way, Lou was pissed, not me. Let me tell you, that was the best fucking kiss I ever had, and Lou probably doesn't even remember it," he retorted with a smirk.

"Oh, I remember it alright," added a voice, and all color drained from Harry's face.

Liam and I let out a chuckle. We all stayed there, staring at each other, before Liam grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the two lovers.

"Bye Lou! Bye, Haz!" Liam yelled.

"You better get a fucking room and shut the damn door! Nobody wants to hear any of that. Though, I'm glad you're finally getting some, mate. I didn't know you had it in you," replied Louis, placing his hand in Harry's.

Liam turned a brilliant crimson, and my face followed suit.

"Don't worry, love. I was just kidding. Liam's not that kind of guy," Louis added, pulling Harry with him.

"But, Lou," Harry whined, "I really have to go!"

"Fine, do you want me to join you?"

"Nope, you need to wait for later, you horny teenage boy," replied Harry with a playful smirk.

"So now I'm the horny one? You cheeky little bastard." Louis returned the smirk and pecked Harry's cheek before leaving.

"I feel like I just intruded on something," I said, feeling slightly awkward standing there.

"They always act that way. You'll get used to it."

"How do you know I'll stick around that long?"

"You're different," Liam stated, staring into my eyes, making me melt into his warm and inviting gaze.

I looked down, my face burning a brilliant shade of crimson. A few seconds later, he lifted my chin.

"You're cute when you blush, you know that?" he told me, making the fire burn deeper.

He let a smirk light his face, making his eyes shine with sincerity. He started to pull me into a room down the hallway.

Surprisingly, it was neat. There were still clothes and the like strewn about the floor, but other than that, I could actually move around and see the floor beneath it.

"I usually like to keep my things neat because it's easier to find, but, have time, and the result is this. So, sorry about that."

"Oh. no, it's fine. I don't mind. It's not like you have a creature living in an unknown compost pile that has become your room. I can actually see the floor," I replied, chuckling.

He feigned a disgusted face, and we both laughed. Suddenly, Liam's face became serious, all playfulness gone from his features.

"We still need to talk. And I mean really talk. I don't want anything to go too far where you can't come back from it. I want to help you. Now, you don't have to tell me now, but please tell me soon. And, I understand that we don't know each other that well," he said, hesitating, "which is why I'm going to share with you what is going on with me. I'm..."

The door opened, interrupting Liam's words.

"Oh, you guys were in here. Sorry, you can go ahead and do whatever naughty things you were doing," Louis stated as he exited the room, shutting the door behind him.

"There is absolutely no privacy in this house," Liam groaned.

"Yet, you're keeping secrets," I added.

"The lads don't have to know everything. They also aren't that observant," he retorted.

I nodded in understanding and gestured for him to continue what he was saying.

"Well, I don't know how to say it. So, I'll show you." He stood up from his bed and lifted his shirt.

I was right, he did lose weight, and by the size of his shirt, quite a lot. His body was also covered in bruises, mostly old, but some looked only a few days old. The air rushed from my lungs, as if I stepped out into a brisk winter morning where the wind blew harshly.

"W-what happened?"

"Kids at school. I get bullied. I mean, it's not a big deal, but it makes me feel unwanted and like I don't matter. So, I stopped eating, and thought I could just wither away. Only Zayn knows, and I told him to keep it a secret. He's good with that stuff. The only reason he found out was because I almost passed out in front of him. It was a stupid thing to do, but I just hated feeling like nothing. He's been helping me out lately, trying to make me feel like I matter. When I saw you, I thought that you could make a difference. I thought that you could help. I needed someone other than the boys in my life, and there you were."

I stared at him, wide-eyed. Words were screaming to be let out, but my mouth wouldn't utter a sound. The air around me was toxic and my mind was spinning. I felt like I was caught in a cyclone, twisting and turning uncontrollably as the storm waged war on the innocence of nature. It only proved that for good to exist, there must be bad mixed in, like a recipe for life.

I stared at my hands as if they were the most important things in the world.

"Jane, are you okay?"

My mind was swimming in a vast ocean of thoughts, quickly fleeing into the darkest abyss, becoming unreachable, forever lost.

"Jane?" Liam asked, concern etched in his voice as he stared into my eyes.

I nodded my head slowly, swallowing passed the lump in my throat.

"I-I just don't understand why people would do that to you. And why would you feel that way about yourself? You are sweet and kind, even if you are a bit of a nerd. I just don't get why people have to hurt other people. It's sick. Why can't other people just respect other people?"

"Maybe because they don't respect themselves," Liam said, directing the comment at me.

My face paled to the color of a fresh sheet of snow, devoid of the pure sparkle.

"W-what do you mean?"

"You have to learn to respect yourself before you can even think about respecting other people. Some people are insecure about who they are and project that fact through anger and making others feel bad. That's what Zayn was helping me understand," Liam replied, his eyes shining, tears threatening to streak down his delicate face.

I let his words sink in, as I thought about telling him. I let silence fall between us before I spoke.

"I'm uncomfortable with myself."

"What?"

"I'm not good enough. I'm not like the other girls. I'm certainly not good enough to be given the time of day, especially by someone like you."

"Are you kidding me? Don't you dare say that. You are perfect. Even if society doesn't view you that way, I do. Fuck society. Society sucks. Just be who you are. I, for one, love you just the way you are. Your personality is what matters, not your size. So, please don't hurt yourself in your attempts to be like other girls. I like you because you are not like other girls. Please don't subject yourself to what society believes a girl should be because plenty of people love you for who you are, and those are the only people that matter."

Tears pricked at the corner of my eyes, bringing rain to a deprived desert.

I leaned forward and captured his lips in mine. It was sweet at first, but, before he could pull away, I brought him back, letting my tongue slide over his bottom lip. He returned the wordless gesture by letting his hands explore my body, making me slightly uncomfortable.

I let him deepen the kiss as I tangled my hands in his soft hair. Moments later, we pulled away, breathless.

Suddenly, the door flung open, and Kate rushed in, catching us staring into each other's eyes. We both burned red, our faces filling with embarrassment.

"Zayn's...," she said nervously, her eyes filled with worry, before noticing us, "Oh, I'm so sorry to walk in on you guys, but something's wrong with Zayn."