Limits

Panic controlled my every motion. He wasn't waking up, and he wasn't breathing. I didn't know what to do.

My heart was hammering in my chest, as if I just ran a marathon. My lungs refused to breathe in the air around me. There was a feast of air, yet I wasn't able to satiate my hunger. I had to watch the rise and fall of every chest in the room besides Zayn's and my own. The area around me started to spin as if I were stuck in a whirling vortex.

I didn't know what to do, so I ran.

I remembered Louis and Harry saying that Jane and Liam were in Liam's room. My feet carried me throughout the hallway as I tried every door, searching for my friends.

As soon as I opened the last door, I saw them. I immediately regretted it, knowing that I interrupted something intimate. I would have been proud of Jane if my mind wasn't focused on the endless worry that marred my face.

"Zayn's..." I said before realizing that they must have been kissing, which I would tease Jane about later, "Oh, I'm so sorry to walk in on you guys, but something's wrong with Zayn."

"What's wrong?" Jane asked, tearing herself away from Liam, and I could see the reluctance in Liam's eyes; he didn't want to let her go. She was the last life preserver, and he was the only one who couldn't swim.

"Niall and the other boys are with him, but he's not breathing. I'm hoping Niall called an ambulance or something. I really hope that boy did, because I was too freaked out..." I managed before being interrupted.

"Kate, you're still freaked out. Sit down and take a deep breath," inserted Jane.

"I can't," I breathed out.

"Then let's get to Zayn," added Liam, rising from his place on the bed.

I nodded, and we rushed back to the main room where Zayn was likely to be.

Niall was pacing around, pulling his hand through his wild hair repeatedly. Harry had his head buried in Louis chest, despite the height difference. Zayn was sitting up, swallowing air as if the right to live would be taken from his grasp just as quickly as it was given back to him.

Naturally, I ran to him, embracing his small frame, letting him take in every breath.

I turned to Niall.

"What happened?"

"I was about to call 999, but then he started coughing and breathing like a fish out of water. Then you came in, and he started taking in air as if he never had the experience of breathing before. Save some for the rest of us, you know," he explained, and I shot him a glare, "Too soon?"

He shrugged his shoulders, and his features twisted into ones of innocence and mischief.

"Zayn, honey, are you okay?"

He just nodded and buried his head in my shoulder.

"Don't just nod. You are telling me what's wrong. You had everyone in this room worried. Even the two love birds over there who were too busy snogging to even know something was wrong. Just, tell us now before something worse happens," I pleaded.

Before he could answer, the memories of the last few hours played in my head.

A comfortable silence fell like a blanket over us, enveloping the room in a safe haven. Tiny snores escaped from Zayn's mouth, and I smiled to myself.

I decided to speak with Niall instead of waking him up. The Irish lad was still a bit down at his situation, and even though he tried not to show it, his eyes showed a clear reflection of his sadness.

"How're you holding up there, Irish?"

"Alright. I just really wish things were better off for me. Everyone always seems to take advantage of me, and I really just want someone who treats me like I treat them. I'm not a bad guy. I just really want something more. Oh, well. I guess I can wait. I'll just drown my sorrows in the rest of that ice cream anyway. It loves me more than that stupid chick."

"Oh, Niall. She will get what's coming to her. Just know that you are absolutely wonderful, and you will find someone. Maybe not now or even a few months from now, but soon enough. One day, you will find that girl who loves you as much as you love them. But, for now, you have friends that love you better than any girl could love you. So, cheer up, Irish. Enjoy what's right in front of you and have fun. Though, eating your feelings in ice cream is my idea of a fun time, but, you know, that's just me. Anything chocolate would do actually..." I said, trailing off.

Niall let his laughter fill the room, and almost immediately, my laughter mixed with his creating a perfect melody.

"You're my kind of girl, you know that?"

"Sorry, Irish, I'm taken by that drooling git over there," I replied, still chuckling.

"I know, love. Take care of him though. He's been through some pretty rough shit in his life. He never talks about it much, but you can tell. It scares him. His eyes are never as bright as they could be. It's as if a part of him is taken over by a dark cloud that is here to stay. When I first knew him, he was more open, but something broke him down. His mind is a scary place, more so to him. If he trusts you, then it means a lot. Promise me that you'll help him? I miss the old Zayn," Niall told me, a serious look coating his ocean blue eyes.

I nodded and pulled the Irish lad into my arms.

"I promise."

We sat in a comfortable silence, just enjoying each other's company until Zayn began to stir. Our heads turned to the sleeping figure beside us, and we chuckled when a loud snort escaped his mouth. However, our laughter was short lived when his face contorted into one of pain.

"Nightmare?" I asked.

"It could be. Should we wake him?"

"I think we should. By the looks of it, it's pretty bad. I'll shake him awake," I added, moving to his side.

Suddenly, he started shaking and beads of sweat appeared on his forehead.

"Zayn. Zayn? Zayn! Wake up!" I said, grabbing a hold of his shoulders a little too gruffly.

Nothing seemed to be working. He kept groaning and screamed out unintelligible words. His breath was coming out in pants, and, suddenly, silence enveloped the room. Panic filled me as the rise and fall of his chest ceased.

That's when I ran.

That's when my mind was a hurricane of thoughts, and I was nowhere near the eye of the storm.

"Kate? Are you listening? Niall just ate the rest of the triple chocolate fudge cake," entered a voice, bringing me back to reality.

"What? Oh, sorry, I guess I got lost in my own thoughts. What was happening?"

"Well, Zayn was about to tell us something, but a blank look took over your face," replied Harry.

"Well, I'm fine now. So, let's get back to the situation at hand. Zayn, can you tell us what's wrong?"

He looked at me, his warm, amber eyes, filled with emptiness. I placed my hand on his in hopes of comforting him, but he shrugged it off.

"I-I need some air or something," he mumbled, lifting himself off of the couch.

I went to grab for his hand, but my arms were just out of reach like when you are so close to reaching the item you want on the top shelf. Naturally, I did the next best thing: I went after him.

He had already made it passed the door by the time I reached him.

"Zayn. Zayn! Look at me," I said, whispering the last part.

He slowly turned around, his eyes letting the tears escape their prison. I felt my heart tear in two when I saw those salty drops mar his face.

"What do you want me to tell you, Kate? I can tell you absolutely anything and everything in the world, and it wouldn't matter. All I ever get is, 'It's going to be alright?'. Guess what? I'm sick of hearing that lie over and over again. It's not going to be okay. I'm not okay. I'm always seen as this tough guy to everyone, but, inside, the pieces are only taped together, threatening to fall apart at any second. I'm such a coward because I can't face my own problems; I just bury them deep inside until they disappear, but they never do. I just can't take it anymore," he managed between his tears.

I stared at him, taking in his broken form. I let my arms wrap around his body and remained silent for a few moments while he let his sadness and anger wash out of him.

"You're right."

"What?" he asked, looking up, his eyes still brimmed with a reddish tint.

"Nothing will ever be completely okay; that takes time. But, sooner or later, everything will work out. You need to stop holding everything inside. You need to let things out sometimes. We can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong, and I understand that telling everyone is the hard part. You are not a coward. You are brave for trying to deal with everything. It's just that you need some help. Everybody needs help; we're only human. I'm here to listen to everything you need to say. I want to know everything. I want to know what's wrong. I want to help you get through this no matter what it takes," I said, hoping that my words would strike a chord with him.

His eyes bore into mine as he pulled me in for a kiss. It wasn't filled with lust or love. It was filled with thanks and admiration, which made it better. I could feel everything he felt through that one simple connection. It lasted only a few seconds before he pulled away and took my hand in his.

He took a shaky breath before speaking, all the while staring into my eyes.

"You see, I moved here because I needed to get away. I needed to escape my old life and my family. I had a friend named Jonah. We were about as close as friends could be. One day, he started acting weird around me. I thought he was just having an off day or something, but it continued. I tried asking him what was wrong, but he always brushed me off. Then, he started missing school, which had me worried. I tried calling his house, but his mother always answered and said that he wasn't home, which confused me.

"When he finally showed up at school, he was distant and blatantly ignored me. After a while, I had enough. I walked to his house and pounded on the door, demanding answers. He came out and looked sickly. I didn't know how I didn't notice it before, but he looked frail and smaller than he used to.

"He looked at me with wide eyes and sobbed. He just sobbed in my arms. I let him. When he was finally done, he ushered me into the house and told me everything. He told me what was going on, and I nearly broke down into tears right then, but I didn't.

"Kate, he had cancer. Terminal cancer. The doctor's couldn't do anything. They tried everything, but nothing worked. I knew in that moment that I couldn't help him either. I asked him why he was being so distant, and he told me it was because he was looking out for me. He didn't want me to be sad when he was gone. He didn't want me to dwell on it. He thought that if he slowly pulled away from me, then I would forget about him. He was wrong.

"He made me promise that I wouldn't say anything about his sickness, and I only nodded. I decided that I was going to make his last days the best days of his life. Every day we would do something new. We would even skip school to go to the amusement park or someplace that he wanted to go, but was never able to.

"One day, while we were watching a movie, he decided to rest his eyes for a few minutes. We wanted to have a relaxing day without noise or worry. The movie was finally over, and it was getting late, but Jonah still hadn't woken up. I started to shake him, but he wasn't responding. I started to panic, and I called his mother. She picked up almost immediately, and was just as panicked as I was. She said to call 999, and that she would meet us at the hospital.

"With shaking fingers, I picked up the phone and called them, telling them to hurry. When they finally arrived, they tried everything they could, but he was declared dead before we even made it to the hospital. His mother was already there by that time, and when I trudged through the doors, it felt like I was walking through mud on a dark and rainy day. How was I going to tell her? I mean, she knew it was going to happen, but, that soon? My eyes blurred with tears as I walked closer to the small woman who was like a second mother to me.

"She knew without me having to say a word and wrapped her tiny arms around me. She was comforting me. If anybody needed to be comforted, it was her, but there she was, staying strong. I knew she was sad and upset and angry at the situation, but she was trying to keep it together for me and her son. She probably knew that he wouldn't want her hitting the deep end after his death.

"Me, however, I was taking is pretty damn hard.

"I started to feel like it was my fault. My mind was making up these false memories, these false nightmares, that made it look like I killed him in some way. They always end with Jonah dying and me being the cause of it.

"I really started to believe that it was me who killed him. It started making me sick to my stomach every time I would open my eyes. I-It scared me. It still does.

"Ever since I left, the nightmares took a turn for the worse. This time, I was seeing myself die. This time, the killer was Jonah. I would wake up feeling what he did in the dream, and all I thought was, 'I deserve this'. I really don't know why any of this is happening to me, but maybe it's supposed to happen. Maybe everything was truly my fault," he finished, burying his face in his hands.

I remained quiet as he told me everything. It was hard enough for him to get out without me saying much of anything.

I let my hand rest between his shoulders blades like my mom used to do when I was upset. His pulled his hands away from his tear stained face and let his head fall at the crook of my neck, connecting us like a puzzle, one piece at a time.

"I'm so sorry, Zayn. I can't even express how I feel for you. It must have been really tough to lose a friend like that. But, I think something psychological could be wrong if you think it's your fault and all of this is happening to you. You need to see someone. You have to talk to someone. I understand that I can't make you do either of those things, and if it were up to me, I would drag your ass to the nearest doctor to get you the help you need, but it's all up to you. Talking to me alone won't help you. Not to mention you scared the fucking shit out of me. I thought you were dying. I don't want to feel that way again. I swear, if you make me feel that way again..." I trailed off, letting his imagination run wild with the last thought.

He pulled me into a sweet kiss, letting his lips linger on mine before speaking.

"I'll do it only if you come with me. I hate doctors, and you're the only thing that would make it bearable. We also can't tell the boys until I'm ready, and you also need to talk. I know you are hiding things that you don't want to let people know about. I want you to talk about it. No more secrets, Kate," he replied with a shy smile, letting his arm wrap around me, filling me with a sense of safety.

I stared into his eyes and brought my face closer to his, being careful not to smack my forehead against his jaw and ruin the moment. His lips parted and his breath mingled with mine as our lips neared. They melted together and moved like figure skating pairs, in sync and together to create something beautiful from something so dangerous.

"Shield your eyes! They are being too cute!" screamed an Irish voice.

We both looked up and chuckled at our friends who were gathered behind us.

"Oh, bugger off, Niall," Zayn said, shooing him away with his hand.

"Fine, but Kate loves me more anyway. You better hold onto your girl because I'm pretty suave with the ladies," Niall added, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"I'm surprised you even know the meaning of the word," Louis interjected with a mischievous smirk.

"We all know you know the meaning, Lou. Though, you have yet to show it," Harry supplied, also smirking.

"You want to see suave, Curly? I'll show you suave," he said as he grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him inside, barely giving him time to think as clothes were being tugged at.

"Um, well, does anyone want to go out? Maybe grab something to eat? Go for a walk maybe? Some place is bound to be open this late, and I don't care where. I'm just not in the mood to hear them. Harry...well, Harry can be pretty loud," Niall managed, his face burning a brilliant red.

Zayn and I exchanged glances and nearly burst out into hysterical laughter.

"It's okay, Irish, we'll take you someplace safe and quiet. Maybe the library or something? We'll even keep you away from the romance novels. I heard they get pretty detailed." I placed an arm around Niall and pulled him into my side, trying hard not to laugh at his innocence.

I stared at the other two lovebirds who also remained, looking like bright red fire trucks. I nearly smiled at how cute they were, which reminded me...

"So, Jane, I didn't know you could snog like that." I watched as her face turned a shade darker, if that was even possible.

"She's pretty talented actually," Liam defended, a smile playing across his lips as he pulled her into his side.

She smiled and tried to hide her face so that the blush would disappear.

"So, did you guys want to join us?" Zayn asked.

"Well, we could always do what Harry and Louis are doing, but we aren't quite ready for that yet. So, I guess we'll join you," Liam spoke for the both of them, letting embarrassment creep up on Jane's face.

"You guess? Sucking face with a girl really changes you, mate."

"I was just kidding, Zaynie. I just wanted to make this one here blush. She's so cute when she does," Liam said, kissing the top of Jane's head.

"Can we go now?" Niall complained, getting sick of the displays of affection around him.

"I'm sorry, Irish," I said, giving him a quick kiss on his cheek, causing a wall of red to appear where my lips touched, "We can go now."

We started walking toward the car and hopped in, Zayn and I in the front, and the rest huddled in the back.

We didn't know where we wanted to go, so we drove for miles, not caring where it would take us, if we would run out of gas, and especially not school the next day. None of that mattered. All that mattered was driving on for miles with no end, pushing the limits of where we could go.

I let my hand rest on Zayn's, and let a smile brighten my features as we continued on into the night, letting the moon guide us, its light creating our path.