Terrible Things

Don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose.

The blazing sun beat down on us that day like nothing else. I'd always associated sunshine with happiness and joy and good times all round, but today was far from that. In fact, if you were to ask me to describe the polar opposite of those things, I would probably end up relaying the day's events to you. It felt almost mocking that the sun should show itself at all today, let alone as brightly and as intensely as it did.

Unlike our wedding, the funeral was the full ceremony, with as many people in attendance as they could cram into the small church. I sincerely doubted any of them had ever spoken to Sean, nevermind having a proper conversation with him. I couldn't call any of them out on it, though. It simply wasn't my place to do so.

The priest spent a great deal of time telling what I suppose they considered 'thrilling tales' about Sean's life, and about how amazing he was as a person. I don't see what he would know about Sean, because to my knowledge, they'd never met, and it's not like Sean was an overly religious person. I don't think he'd even been to mass once in the time I knew him.

Still, they babbled on about a man who, from their words, I barely recognised. He was a stranger to me, so far from the man I knew, the man I loved.

I couldn't stand very much of it. Their pretentious bullshit really got to me, and by the time it was only halfway through, I was more than ready to leave. I didn't want to just storm out and disrupt the entire service, though, I wasn't that disrespectful. I struggled to think of an excuse to leave, but I was thankfully saved by Jay tapping my shoulder.

Sensing my agitation, he whispered, "You need to leave, mate?" I nodded, glancing around at the others. "Here, give us a second."

He leaned over and tapped his mother on the shoulder, whispering something quietly to her, which I presumed would be something along the lines of, "I'll be back in a minute". He then grabbed my arm, pulling me out of the pew we were sitting in, while trying not to cause a fuss.

Once he'd successfully gotten us outside, I thanked him, but he just shrugged it off. He wanted to be there just as little as I did, if not less. After all, I might have thought I'd suffered a great loss, but Jay had lost a brother, a role model, someone he grew up with, and someone he'd always looked up to. That had to be tough.

We stood there for a while, doing nothing in particular, just postponing the moment we'd have to walk back into the crowded church. Jay went back in after a while, fifteen, twenty minutes maybe, but I remained outside. I didn't want to go back in, I couldn't.

So I didn't.

I left. I didn't say goodbye, but I didn't want to anyway. I couldn't stand to be there any longer, not in their presence, at least. So I went home. Simple.

---

~a couple months later or something idk~

I sank into the chair at the kitchen table, leaning over so that my chin almost brushed against the cool, solid surface of the wood, but not quite. In front of me was a mug of tea, and it made me laugh. I remembered when I refused to drink anything if it didn't have an unreasonable amount of alcohol mixed in with it. Oh, how times had changed. Now, I was sat on my own at 10am, stone cold sober, mundanely sipping tea and thinking to myself.

My mug wasn't the only thing in front of me, though. There was another, very similar, but also very different. My tea had only one sugar, whereas the other had two. The other also had a tad more milk, just the way he liked it. I still did that. I would always make two cups, even if I knew only one would be touched.

I did that with his wardrobe too. Even though I knew he'd never wear any of the garments that hung there again, I left them exactly as they were. No one would use them again, but I just left them. They still smelt like him, and it was almost comforting on those nights. The nights where everything hurt, where I couldn't bear to do anything but curl up and sob. Heart wrenching sobs, where once you've started, you can't stop, and after it all, you can barely remember what you're crying about. It was comforting just to know that those were there. I couldn't see him, but I still had these little reminders that, in a way, he was still with me.
♠ ♠ ♠
So, um... the end?