My Heart Has Lost All Hope

(RONNIE'S POINT OF VIEW)

I sat in Nessa's bunk, looking at the notebook she handed me . Burning holes into it with my eyes. I felt like I was invading her privacy even though she gave me permission. Was I scared to know what was going on in her head ? Was I scared that I'd see her differently now? 

I shakily opened the notebook and put on 
my glasses, I turned the first page and there was a beautiful drawing of an eye looking dead forward with tears coming out of the duct, but the tears were red, and the rest of the drawing was black and white. Did she draw this ?

"The cops were at the door again, I ran to my room and hid under the bed. I could hear the banging and my mom shuffling to hide everything but the cops had already kicked in the door.  I head my mom screaming as she fought with officers telling her to calm down , and my father lying through his teeth about every thing as they slammed him to the floor and cuffed him loud banging struggles came from the room outside mine.  I saw feet approach my bed then hands on the floor and a face peek u see the bed seeing me... I had this dream again tonight , I remembered more this time. I dream about dad and mom getting arrested a lot. Why this particular memory ? I have no clue..." 

I read the random journal entry from the notebook. It was dated a few years back . She was maybe 14 then.  I continued into the notebook, I noticed a page that was particularly worn out. 

"I feel like my chest is caving  in, I cant breathe, this pain is like nothing I've ever felt. I'm crying uncontrollably and starting to hyperventilate, I've never wanted to just lay down and die before today. I wanted to rip my heart out Of my chest so I could stop feeling this pain and go back to the days where I didn't know it was possible to feel my body this intensely. I wanted to stop breathing, because it would stop me from crying which would stop my chest from hurting but my world was ending I felt like it was crashing down around me . I never want to feel again. I scream in pain any time someone mentions her name. Abby... Why?" 

That entry hit me hard. I couldn't move. I've felt like that before and I understand why she wanted to rip out her heart.  Life's unfair and our biddies and minds just can't handle it sometimes...  I flipped through a few more pages and stopped on an entry that caught my eye

"This was becoming to easy. This job, this access. I can have any drug I want, I can just walk right out with it . I no longer feel the pain when i take a handful of Vicodin, or wear a few morphine patches around all day, I love the escape and the numbness my body gets. I just want to be numb forever"

Below this entry was a drawing of a pill bottle fallen over , the pills were all different and looked extremely realistic. Only one pill had color added to it. Oh Vanessa... 

I already knew where this story was heading, she must had gotten caught stealing from the hospital. Whatever happened in her entries lead her to drugs ... I don't want to read this anymore. It's to hard to read about what happened to someone so sweet.. And I hated that I wasn't there with her through it all. To help her stop hurting. To understand... Reading this was hurting me. 

I looked over to see the binder calling my name. Maybe her pictures could shed some light without it ripping  my soul apart at the seams.... Me and Vanessa had more in common then I ever imagined. That scares me, because I know me, and I don't like that guy most of the time.

The binder was smooth and purple, I had a feeling ever since I saw this binder that purple was her favorite color, that's why I made sure she had a purple phone. I smiled to myself as I opened up the binder. The first picture was of a beautiful dark haired girl. 

The pictures date was the same as the second journal entry.. 5/16/2006 Vanessa would have been 18 at the time. This couldn't be here the girl looked younger... 

I turned the page

There was an amazing photo of a humming bird mid flight. The picture was very colorful

I turned the page again

This picture was dark and blurry of a man holding what seemed like a lifeless body of a girl in his hand, the scenery was dark and gloomy the ground had a a broken pair of glasses closer to the Frame. They were like the girl in the first photo... 

I kept turning, the binder told a sort of story, from bright and happy to dark, gloomy and random.

Pictures of everything wether they were, well thought out or breath takingly caught off guard.  She Had an amazing eye and skill with a camera. 

The last picture I looked at for the night was haunting, it was a tombstone, with a screaming Nessa being pulled by 5 people off of the ground she was ripping up grass , I will never forget the look on her face her eyes were empty and she was a shell . 

What happened to my Nessa ? It's to hard to read this.

I shut the binder loudly , feeling heart broken that I knew nothing about this girl I've grown so attached to. I didn't know what to think. 

All I knew was I wanted to be by her side even more. 

I stood up and rubbed my eyes adjusting my glasses before glancing at the clock. It was 3 am and the bus was steadily moving to our next destination. I felt overwhelmed. 

I walked down to the room where Nessa was asleep. I quietly watched her as she rolled over to her left side facing the wall.  She had a light smile on her face , and she looked absolutely adorable with her face snuggled into her hand against  her cheek. 

I snuck over to the bed tip toeing lightly,   Kicking my shoes off and gently climbed into bed next to her. I wrapped my arms around her waist and slowly brought her closer against me,

I drifted off to sleep nuzzling  into her shoulder , with the thoughts of protecting her running through my mind.