My Heart Has Lost All Hope

(RONNIES POINT OF VIEW)

I slid the needle into my vein, The familiar rush taking over my body, It ached to feel this again, and Vegas, was the only place I knew to get it easily. I stocked up too. I needed it. I breathed in slowly and released the turnquti from my arm, I smiled as I slumped into my old state of release.

"Hello?" I heard a voice from the bus. I dropped my needles and looked out the door. A gorgeous, fit looking blonde with a few pink streaks in her hair was roaming around our bus. how did she get on here?

"hello gorgeous." I stated walking up to her. She grinned, I was exactly what she was looking for.

She came to the room and started making out with me, Just another random skank looking for her good time. She wanted to be able to say she got Ronnie Radke to bed one warped tour. She could have it. I felt like something was wrong as the girl took off my shirt, and I started undressing her, think Ronnie, think..

"WHAT THE FUCK RONNIE?!" I heard from behind me as I was starting to grab at the blondes underwear. That voice.. Remember Ronnie?

I turned around, I saw the face of the only thing That mattered now. Nessa. How...How did I forget about Nessa? She's the best thing in my life right now. what was I doing?! My body was on autopilot I was screaming at my subconcious how could I forget her? The heroine... I felt myself let go of the blonde and scream as she ran away

"Nessa!" I pleaded, leaving the blonde in the room alone, and unsatisfied. She was already gone. Jacky stopped me at the exit of the bus.

"What the fuck Ronnie? What did you do?!" He demanded as I felt a tear run down my cheeks.

"Nessa..." I whispered and started at the direction she ran in.

"Yeah Ronnie, shes gone, fuck. Ill call her." I heard Jacky say from what sounded like a million miles away. He was talking for a brief moment, The blonde came out fully dressed now and looked at me.

"So is this happening or not?" she grunted, I wanted to punch her in the face. this wasnt her fault it was yours I remembered.

"Get the fuck out of here you whore" I seethed through teeth at her, she just shrugged and left the bus.

All the boys were back now, Its only been ten minutes since she ran, It felt like eternity. I was quickly coming out of my high and starting to panic. She can easily just go back to her life... we were in Vegas after all.

"RONNIE! RONNIE! SNAP OUT OF IT" I heard Derek yelling in my face. Snapping me out of my thoughts. or was I off on cloud nine, I barely remember the guys getting back...

"WHAT?" I snapped as Ryan punched me in the face.

"You have to go get her Ronnie!" He screamed at me. did he really just hit me?

"I know, I don't know where she went!" I screamed back at him

Ryan backed up, I deserved that punch to the face. He was right, I had to go get her. I only had 2 hours to find her, I knew Vegas as well as she did, hell maybe better.

"Buss call is at midnight Ronnie! You better find her by then." Jacky seethed, its like I fucked up the only thing holding everyone together on this tour.

The guys wouldn't stop calling her, I wanted to call her but if she wasn't answering for them I knew she wouldn't answer for me. Ronnie you fucking douchbag I thiought. It was 10:30 I needed to find her quickly in case she decided not to come back... shes gonna hate you was All I could think. She was going to be angry, upset, hell she may never want to see me again.

I looked at my phone, the photo of me and her outside the monster bus, I don't think I've ever smiled that big for a girl in my entire life. Then it hit me, I gave her that cell phone, shes on my policy!

I dialed the company's number as fast as my fingers could move. I got to a representative immedietly and had the GPS track her phone. I thanked them and followed where they said she should be. Thank god I gave her that phone. I thought to myself as I ran off the bus without a word. The guys rushed after me a bit but I think they knew I figured it out.

I made my way from the luxor as fast as I could across to the other side of the strip, It was a pain in the ass but I had to get there with enough time to talk to her before Midnight! It was around 10:50 My heart was racing out of my chest when I made it the huge Coca- Cola bottle. She was somewhere in here. I started on the ground floor, asking everyone if they had seen her. All I got were sad 'no's' or weird looks.

I decided to take the stairs to the second floor of the building, and I spotted her Vibrant red and blonde hair instantly, she was sat at the bar looking out the window with her eyes closed. I saw steady streams of tears running down her cheeks. I felt my heart ache for the pain i was causing her, I felt like I was dying inside, my heart wanted to leave my chest, I wanted to help it.

I walked over to the cashier and ordered the coca cola from around the world while she didn't notice me yet, I walked over to her, tears still running down her face and her eyes closed, she stated to smile. I set the trays down in front of her. she jumped slightly. I placed my hand on her shoulder, I wasn't prepared to see those eyes in pain. Like last time... I haven't noticed until now, but seeing her in the hospital hurt me more than anything in my entire life, and I had only just met her.

She turned around and looked me right in the eyes, with a look dripping her motions. She wanted to kill me, and I didn't blame her.

"Nessa, I am so sorry, Nothing happened we were just getting into it when you came through the door! I..I mean, I didn't know what I was doing! She was just wondering around our bus, It happened so fast..." I stumbled through my words, her stare burning holes through my eyes and into my brain. This is it Radke, your gonna lose her, way to go.

"Fuck you Ronnie, You have no idea how much that hurt me.... abby, all I felt again was that pain! Remember my notebook entry! You just did that to me a second time! I never wanted to feel that way again!" She screamed, everyone was looking at us, fuck them I didn't care. I deserved all of this.

"Nes-" she interupted me.

"No ronnie! I never want to feel that way again.." I started to cry, I felt a couple tears escape my eyes, as she continued.

"Thats why I never want to leave your side" She got up and jumped into my arms, This reaction shocked me more than anything. she...she forgave me?

"Nessa"" I cooed stroking her hair as she cried into my chest.

"Ronnie, I hate you for what you've done, but I want to get passed this, your in the dog house Ronnie, Don't expect me to be normal for awhile." She seethed, I completely understood, I would do anything to make this up to her... just like the hospital. I wanted her around me I couldn't let her go. I would do anything she asked. Even if that meant grovelling at her feet on her command. Im ronnie Radke, Ive never been whipped by a girl likethis before, and I think its a good thing I am now I thought.

"Then lets start with this as a little date, we still have 40 minutes to get back to the buses" I smiled at her, she wiped her tears away.

"Ok Ronnie." We both sat down, no one was looking at us anymore. I'm sure our conversation about tonight wasn't over yet, But at lest I have her for tonight without the arguing.

"This ones my favorite!" She smiled as she pointed to the japan watermelon flavor coca-cola she was adorable, its like she was remembering something from the past. I wish I could make her forget the bad and only remember these types of memories. The ones that make her smile like this.

"Im glad" I smiled at her and she grabbed my hand.

We finnished our date, she was laughing and holding my hand the whole way back to the venue. I was relieved.

The guys will be angry for awhile, but at least I brought her back. We all needed her... I needed her.