My Heart Has Lost All Hope

I stared out at the oped road as we made our way to the next tour date. I couldn't help but be deep in thought, I had my photo album in my lap. I was scared to open it but lately its all I could think about. I knew I needed to recall the past so I could move on a little more each day. I used to stare at this album for hours, but lately, even before I met Ronnie the sight of it had made me sick.

"Hello beautiful, what are you up to." I heard Ronnie say as he sat behind me on the couch in the living room area and wrapped his arms behind my waist and kissed my cheek just as I had gotten the courage to open my album, The page was on Abby's picture.

"I was just.... re living the past I guess." I replied as he ran his fingers over the picture.

"She looks like she was an amazing girl, Vanessa." He whispered staring at the picture, I couldn't look away and he seemed attached as well.

"She really was Ronnie, I wish... I had more time with her." I sighed turning the page to see the picture of Dylan, cigarette in his hand eyes bloodshot. This was taken a year after Abby passed... he was still in bad shape.

"Who is he?" Ronnie questioned in a genuinely interested tone.

"I grew up with him, our family's were close, He was my brother basically...but after Abby died, he was never the same, and he cut all ties with me. I think he was in love with her, and seeing me all the time just hurt him to much." I let a tear run down my face.

"Don't cry, I know its hard, but what made you look through this today?" He asked rubbing my shoulders as I flipped through the album and smiled at old memories and grimaced at others. Ronnie asking questions the whole way.

"The next tour date brings back memories Ronnie, I from there... Im from Virginia Beach, I lived just over the border in North Carolina, but Virginia was where I always was." I breathed, remembering every thing I would see again as we passed the "welcome to Virginia" sign and shuddered.

"I had no idea this would be so hard for you Nessa, you don't have to go onto the venue." He said worriedly and hugged me.

"I want to see her grave if that's possible?" I questioned him. He smiled at me.

"Of course it is baby, I cant go with you too if you'd like" He kissed me once more on the cheek.

"Id love that very much, if you would Ronnie." I hugged him and he stroked my hair.

"We have a day off tomorrow and we will still be in Virginia, we can do whatever you'd like." He whispered. I smiled against his chest. I loved being in his arms again, its been almost a week since our fight, and we still haven't shared the bed together in days, but hes been trying his best to make everything up to me.

"Tomorrow... Tomorrow is my birthday." I said smiling and just remembering myself.

"Really?" Ronnie said wide eyed.

"Yeah it really is, I just remembered that. wow" I said running my hand through my un kept hair and letting it fall back into my face.

"Well then, were deffinitly doing whatever it is you want to do!" He beamed and got up from the couch.

I smiled, I haven't been in my home town in two years, I left this behind me and all the memories. But I was glad to be back, and to be with Ronnie, He made everything better. We were getting better. Lately hes tried extra hard to earn back my trust. It was working to.

"Nessaaaaaaa" I heard Ryan sing from his bunk as I walked in putting my stuff away.

"Ryannnnnnnnnnnnaaaaa banananaaaa" I sang back as he hoppedo ut of his bunk.

"Whatchya up tooo?" he said hugging me as Ronnie came from the back room. With that familiar gloss over his eyes... He was shooting up again. He gave me a devilish smile and waved for me to come towards him.

"Nothing Ryan, just about to head out with Ronnie." I smiled at him then at Ronnie.

"Well I will see you two later, I'm stoked for the day off tomorrow!" He had an excited tone in his voice as he hopped off the bus dramatically.

I made my way to the back with Ronnie. He had just finished putting up his needles and his drug of choice, he seemed like he knew what was going on around him for once while on the stuff, I was surprised. He offered me my cocaine and I obliged I did four lines immediately and all to me self. His eyes got wide.

"Nessa, Are you sure you can handle that?" He said worried.

"Ill be fine, what about you?" I questioned as he smiled

"I feel One hundred percent." He grinned, that devilish on cloud nine grin. He had no Idea was today even was anymore, but lately hes remembered me and been by my side.

"Me too" I giggled feeling better than ever. I was ready to face this day, As long as I kept the drugs coming constantly. It was hard to be back here...with the familiar venue I've walked many times and all the roads I still knew better then I ever knew Vegas.

Ronnie grabbed my hand and made me follow him off the bus, I decided not to photograph today, Because I was running out of room on my camera and I wouldn't be able to concentrate here. Ronnie and the boys were going on early tonight. I smiled as he dragged me towards the stage, eager to perform.

"Nessa I want you to sing with me today, please?" He begged a I gave him a glare, I was scared to be on stage in that way, but Ronnie made me feel confident.

"Ok ronnie" I smiled, i knew all the words to everything they have ever performed now, Ronnie was always singing to me.

"Good, I want you to open raised by the wolves" He smirked and my jaw dropped open, That was thier most popular song and he wanted me to sing the begging, but why?

"Seriously?" I screamed and hugged him

"Of course baby, show this town what your made of now" He winked and I smiled from ear to ear.

The set was about to start and I was backstage nervous, very nervous, and high, I did 5 more lines since the bus and I was feeling completely out of my mind, but I also felt normal. At least for a junkie I did.

"Ladies and Gentleman, I have a special guest. Her name is Vanessa Wolfe, and I'm sure you have all seen her on my instagram photos or online." He shouted and the crowd roared.

"Well I wanted to ask this beautiful and talented woman a question." He smiled into the Microphone I felt nervous like I would throw up. Or maybe that was the heat?

"I wanted to know if this young woman would want to officially, be my girlfriend, I want everyone to know your mine Venessa and I was to make sure you feel the same," He screamed into the microphone as the crowd "awwed"

I smiled at his question and made it toward the stage, ready to answer ronnie.

"So beautiful, how much longer do I need to beg?" He pleaded and I smiled having complete control over Ronnie for I had more control over him in this moment than any drug has ever had on him in his entire life.

"Yes Ronnie, I will be" I replied as he kissed mt dramatically in front of everyone. The boys started playing raised by the wolves and I smiled, I snatched the microphone from Ronnie. He smiled

"I was lost I was found.." I started to whisper singing
into the microphone.... I realized. 'found' was correct when I looked up and saw Dylan.

Dylan was standing in the front of the stage, looking up at me in disbelief. I froze as Ronnie grabbed control back and I ran off the stage

What do I do now?