My Heart Has Lost All Hope

It's been a week since the tabloids attacked us, a week since we moved in and got everything put together. More Importantly it's been a week since me and Ronnie had used, and it was starting to take its toll on both of us, I was exhausted enough as it is, with physical therapy every other day. Going through withdrawals wasn't making it easier.

Ronnie seemed to be taking it very well, surprisingly, yes he would snap and get angry with me occasionally. But he never meant any of it. 

"Baby?" he said groggily as I shifted from my position in bed.

"Yea Ronnie?" I breathed forcing myself to sit up. I could now move on my own slightly, I could use crutches to get me to and from my chair, the bathroom and my collar bone was healing nicely so using my arms and turning my torso were now possible. 

"Are you ok ? You were whimpering in your sleep..." he placed his hand on my forehead. "and your cold as ice Nessa" I gave him a confused look, I hadn't noticed.

"I'm tired, and honestly I feel a little sick" I said looking at him, he had massive bags u see his eyes and his face looked more sunken in then usual, he was feeling awful, but hiding it well. 

"Do you need help to the bathroom?" he raised an eyebrow at me and I nodded embarrassed. 

"Don't be embarrassed baby, were helping each other through this." he said weakly and got up and wrapped his arm around my waist taking the weight off my bad leg and helping me walk to the bathroom. 

I felt like my body weighed a thousand times  heavier than normal. It hurt to put pressure on any part of my body, my muscles felt tense all the time and my stomach was constantly doing backflips. I'm sure Ronnie wasn't feeling any better then I was. We made it to our bathroom across from our bed and I looked in the mirror, I looked beyond ghostly, I had lost a considerable amount of weight and my face was sunken in with heavy bags under my eyes and my eyes were red. Ronnie looked similar except he wasn't as pale as I was. He smiled at our reflections and squeezed my shoulders. 

"This is so hard Ronnie" I whispered looking down from my reflexion, I had caught sight of my scars on my collar and thigh. I felt suddenly subconscious

"I know baby, I know. But we can do this " he squeezed me in a hug and kissed my cheek lightly. It felt good to feel his lips on my skin, he warned the ice cold I was starting to feel just before I let go of him and kneeled in front of the toilet, throwing up for the fourth time that morning.

I felt Ronnie's hand in my back and his other hand was holding my hair back. 

"You feel any better baby ?" he whispered in my ear from behind me as I reached out for the bath towel he was handing me.

"Much better, how are you feeling baby? Your taking this way better then I am" I let out a light laugh as he helped me up once more.

"I went through this once. I know what to expect, I just want to focus on you, which is helping me not focus on my own stomach churning and muscle pains" he smiled at me leading me back to our bed. 

"Lucky you, I want this pain to just stop. " I pleaded to myself more than ronnie who was now picking me up and lying me softly on y pillow. 

"It only lasts a couple weeks, then it all starts to feel better" he cooed wrapping his arms around me and cuddling me back into a painful sleep. 

I woke up what felt like eternity's later to a skull splitting headache and the sounds of Ronnie losing the contents of his stomach in the bathroom. I sat up and rubbed my temples lightly . I heard the water running in the bathroom before Ronnie stepped out.

"Hey baby, want to try and eat something?" he said with a weak smile and reached his hand out to me.

"That Sounds like a plan" I took his hand and for out of bed, I used Ronnie as my crutch as we went downstairs to our kitchen.

The house had all our belongings in it now, our living room had a huge dark red couch that could easily fit ten people, a flat screen TV a black coffee table in the center and a few DVD and Video game racks. We had a California king sized bed with purple and black sheets and covers, our kitchen had a refrigerator a microwave, stove, all the necessary appliances. We were missing a few things we wanted to buy and decide on together like drapes, paint, silverware and toiletries. But the house looked great so far, and we had the guys pick us up some food that required very little preparation because they knew we were trying to get sober and wouldn't want to deal with much.

Ronnie opened the fridge and told me a few of our choices. I settled on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with milk. He got himself some chicken soup. 

My anger was starting to get to me as I was making my sandwich while Ronnie made his soup. Everytime I got jelly on my knife it slid right off causing me to cuss and become irritated.

"Nessa calm down, Its just Jelly" he said taking my knife and jar and doing it for me.

"Fuck, everything is just so fucking hard right now, I can't walk on my own, I look dreadful, I feel like I was hit with a monster truck and now I can't even make myself a fucking sandwhich" I slammed my fist down on the table and started crying. I felt Ronnie's hand on my cheek as I silently let tears fall onto his hand. 

"Shhh baby, your going to be back to full working order in just a couple more weeks" he ran his hand through my hair and kissed my tears away.

"I fucking better be" I growled and he laughed.

"your mood swings are worse than mine, and I think that it's cute" he kissed my nose as his soup beeped in the microwave.

"I'm glad I'm amusing, I feel like ripping something's throat out" he laughed at me again and I took a bite of my sandwich it made me smile instantly. I love peanut butter. 

"Smiling now do soon ?" he teased noticing my mood take a complete turn in seconds. 

"leave me alone" I blushed and swatted at him. 

"never" he said and kissed my lips softly, which turned into more passionate and deeper the Instant his tongue entered my mouth. We pulled away after a few minutes I making out over the counter.

"Ronnie I don't think we should yet, I'm still pretty sore" he pouted and kissed my cheek,

"it's ok, but as soon as the doctor gives me the OK... I'm not taking my hands off you." he said dangerously taking a sip of his now cooled soup. 

"is that a promise or a threat?" I said raising an eyebrow at him.

"both" he shrugged and sat next to me.

I wanted to rip his boxers off more than ever right now.

We ate like hyenas who have never seen food before. It oddly made me feeling better about my withdrawals, my body ached a little less and I didn't want to immediately throw up on everything, but I did want a fix.... Just one more high. I shook the thought from my mind quickly and noticed Ronnie looking at me with his eyebrows ruffled.

"Don't think about it Nessa, we can beat it" he whispered reading my thoughts and looking at his hands.

"I'm trying to ignore the urges" I whispered back.

"Me too.... Maybe if we watched a movie it will distract us?" he asked and took my hand pulling me up and helping me to the living room and pushing me into the center off our massive couch gently.

"No, I wanna kick your ass on the Xbox" I shrugged grabbing a controller.

"Oh it's on baby!" he shouted and loaded up a game.

The rest of the night we killed each other over and over on modern warfare 3, I don't think drugs crossed my mind one more time, the last thing I remembered before passing out with the controller in my hands was Ronnie whispering "I love you Nessa" in my ear.