Can't Let You Float Away

Was this a detour? I pull my flannel around me tighter. Why was it so cold? This was summer. And where was the bus? And how did I get here? I look around. The leaves here are the colors of autumn and for as far as I can see, they are endless. They sprinkle the ground like snow, with each step my shoes sink deeper into the ground. I strain my eyes for any sign of the guys. It was freezing and this joke was getting old. I stop walking, afraid to wander too far.

"Alex!" I scream. "This isn't funny anymore! Get out here!"

My echo is the only thing to answer me. I feel like throwing up as I stumble back to see if there may be a road in the other direction.

"Jack! Zack! Ri!" I scream one after the other. "Cass! Matt!"

It was no use. But as I walked farther and farther, the trees seemed to be diminishing, the sunlight turning brighter and I fall into a run. My heart was shaking my rib cage from pounding so hard and I couldn't tell if it was because I was running faster than my feet could carry or if it was because with each step the intensity of my terror was growing.

I reach the edge and stop, finally seeing what I thought I was searching for. I had expected the bus to be there. Alex with the guys and Cass, Liam and Delilah. Smiling at me maybe. Joking about how ridiculous I looked. I choke back the deep breathes of horror emerging to my surface.

The freeway is full of cars. But none of them are moving. In fact, one or two seem to be overturned. I slowly inch forward through the maze of cars toward the bus at the other end of the three lanes.i pull hard at the door until it releases itself and stick my head in. No one. I jump down.

"Alex!" I choke. Keeping back the tears was pointless now. They fall hard onto the tarred roads. "Alex!"

And then I hear it. I turn so quickly that I begin to fall but brace myself on an abandoned SUV. Liam stands in the middle of the intersection. He holds his hands together and cries, cries like he sometimes does at night when he has nightmares. I run toward him, scooping him into my arms.

"Liam!" I sob and clutch him tighter to me. "Baby, baby, are you okay?"

He cries for a few more minutes until he can manage to get the words out. "Sick. Sick."

He repeats it until I hold him farther from me, looking into his face. He is pale and his eyes are dark circles. I consider it and he seemed to weigh less, to be more weak. "Liam, where is daddy?"

"Sick." Liam points to the bus. My stomach churns as I carry him toward it. I had to go inside. I had to look in Alex's bunk. Once inside I sit Liam down at the table, dirty with spilled drinks.

"Stay right here, okay baby?" He nods and I begin making my way to the bunks.

I hold the velvet curtain to Alex's bed in my hand firmly. I take in a sharp breath and slowly, slowly begin to open it. I can just see the top of his pillow and bite down onto my lip as I edge more slowly to open the curtain. The top of his hair, messy and untouched for what seemed like days, his forehead, and now would be his eyes. I shut my own tightly. 1. 2. 3. And -

***********************************************************************

"Jamie! Jamie!" Someone is shaking me. I awake in a cold sweat, sitting up into Alex's arms. I pull him close, grabbing at his arms and looking into his face just to be sure he was there. "Shhh. You were having a nightmare."

I'm shaking. "Where's Liam?"

"He's asleep." Alex whispers, kissing the top of my head and gently laying me back down into his arms. "What happened?"

I scoot into Alex as closely as possible. "I don't... I don't know."

Alex waits a minute, expecting me to at least try. When I don't, he sighs and squeezes me tighter. "Well it was just a dream. You're safe. I'm right here."

I nod and listen to the sound of Alex's breath getting deeper and slower until he lightly snores, trying to memorize the sound.

**********************************************************************

"You feeling okay?" Cassadee asks as we fold shirts at the merch table. Liam and Delilah play together in a box near Vinnie.

I give her a confused look."Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

Cass shrugs. "You're quiet."

"Having an off day."

"And you woke everyone up last night." I stop folding and look at her for explanation. "You were crying."

I bite my lip. "Night terror."

"About?" Cass begins to fold again, losing interest but feeling as if she should ask.

"I can't honestly tell you. We were all... sick. Everyone except for Liam and me. It was awful, like apocalypse awful, Cass."

She finishes up her pile and opens a new box. "Weird that you would say that because just this morning on the news they were talking about a new disease developing in Europe."

"There's always a new disease developing. It'll be done and over with, solved and cured, within the next two weeks." I reply.

Cassadee nods and scolds Delilah for playing with Vinnie's cash register when he walks away. As she points to the machine and repeatedly says no, I glance over at Liam. He looks bored now with his box and I decide we need a walk. I check the time. 11:45.

"Wanna go see daddy?" I ask, scooping him up before he can answer and walking toward the stage the boys were set to play on today.

Liam waves at the crew as watch from the side. Alex remains unaware that we are watching him and uses curse words in a couple of his jokes with Jack. Liam giggles each time.

"Hey Alex! The girlfriend is going to really put you in the dog house if you keep talking like that in front of the kiddo!" Rian yells around the fourth time Alex uses the word 'fuck'.

"They're here?" Alex slaps a hand to his mouth and turns to the crowd. "The two of them just sneak up on me nowadays! A man never knows when he's being watched!"

The crowd laughs and begins to chant. "Bring them out! Bring them out!"

Alex grins and waves is hands in the air. "Not today. They'll be chilling by the merch booth later if you want to visit!"

"Bring them out!" The crowd continues, louder and more demanding.

"Come on, Alex!" Jack whines.

Alex sighs and begins to walk toward the side stage. Liam sees him and before I can reach for his hand, is already running toward Alex, smiling. Alex sticks the mic into his back pocket and lifts Liam up. "There's daddy's boy!"

Liam hugs his neck provoking an 'Awwww' from the audience.

Alex pats his back and motions for me to come out too. "Come here, babe."

I shake my head. Alex holds up the sign for the audience to hang on and walks side stage toward me. He takes my hand. "Don't make me carry you out. Because that means I have to put Liam in Jack's supervision."

I laugh and let him lead me to the stage.

"All they need is another kid!" Jack jokes. I shoot him a look and his smile falls as he pretends to be busy with tuning his guitar.

"Liam is a handful enough!" Alex laughs.

"You have another hand!" Someone shouts from the crowd. I shake my head and smile, hoping that didn't become a point on Alex's argument later on.

"Normally that would be an invitation for a very dirty joke, but we're keeping things Sesame Street up here today!" Alex answers. "What should we play, Liam?"

Liam smiles with his little baby teeth. He knew some of Alex's songs. I know already which one he would tell Alex to play, just like Alex probably did. When he first heard it, Liam had begged for it to be played every car ride, every bedtime, every time an opportunity presented itself.

"Stars!" Liam shouts. "Stars! Stars!"

Alex puts Liam down on the stage and he wraps himself around my leg, suddenly feeling shy. I pat the top of his head.

"You heard the boss!" Jack yells at Alex as he starts up the first few notes.

Alex glares at him then begins on cue, "Time to lay claim to the evidence -"

He looks at Liam and begins to dance with a head bob. Liam follows his lead, as if he is playing a game of Simon Says with Alex. I laugh as Liam tries his best to keep up with Alex.

"If not for you, I know I'd tear this place to the ground -" Alex winks at me.

Liam then runs back and forth on stage, from Zack to Rian to Jack to Alex, who sweeps me into a kiss as the song ends, and then back toward Rian.

"That's their song!" Rian pipes up from the back, holding Liam banging on the cymbal.

I blush as Alex explains. "I wrote it for her! It's true! We were arrested once when we were fifteen!"

I punch Alex gently in the arm. "He's only joking!"

Alex shakes his head. "Yeah, just joking."

He gives me a kiss on the cheek and whispers into my ear, "You can leave Liam here. I'll take him back when we've finished up."

I nod and make my walk off stage.

"Alex! Can you please stop staring at Jamie's butt?" is the last thing I hear before I exit the side stage.

**********************************************************************

"How was the rest of the set?" I ask when Alex comes back, setting Liam on the table with a disapproving look from Vinny.

"Couldn't have been more perfect." He grins.

"Were you checking me out?" I joke as I lean against one of the poles keeping the tent up.

Alex moves his hands around my waist. "A little bit."

"Get a room." Vinny mumbles.

I giggle, grabbing Liam from the table. "I'm going to try and find a babysitter."

"I'll get the room." Alex laughs.

Vinny makes vomiting noises in the back and I leave to find Cassadee.

She is pacing back and forth in front of the bus on her phone.

"I understand, but why am I a likely candidate?" She pauses. "What about Rian? Or the hundred other people out here with us?.... Isn't it just as common among -... Okay. Well thank you for the heads up... Yeah see you when we get back."

"What was that all about?" I ask once she has ended her call.

Cassadee rolls her eyes. "Remember I told you about that disease going on in Europe?"

"Yeah, you said it was developing."

"Well my doctors apparently heard about it, too. They think I'm extremely perceptible given the fact that I am surrounded by so many people each day in such close quarters." She shakes her head. "They wanted me to come home."

"Are you?"

"No!" Cassadee stops midpace. "I'm staying. I doubt it even reaches America."

"Unlikely it will." I shrug.

"Exactly what I said. I'm staying." She crosses her arms in defiance.

I shift my eight on my feet. Now may not have been the best time to ask her to watch -

"You need me to watch Liam so you and Alex can have some one-on-one time, don't you?" She mumbles.

"How'd you know that?" I whip my head to look at her.

"This whole pregnancy thing makes me more sensitive I guess." Cass kicks the dirt as she moves to Liam. "Come on Li, let's go find Uncle Rian and Delilah and tell them all about Aunty Cass's weak old immune system."

"Thanks Cass!" I call out after them. "Let me know if you need me to watch Delilah later!"

She puts her hand to her stomach. "It might be a while!"

I shake my head, smiling and begin to dial Alex's cell phone.

"Hey hun." He answers.

"Liam's gone."

"I will be there in 30 seconds." Click. I lean against the bus, awaiting his arrival.

"One minute, 47 seconds. You're extremely late." I smirk.

"I'll make up for it." Alex replies hurriedly, sweeping me off my feet and carrying me into the bus.