Blood

Blood.

Chapter 34.

My heart was ready to jump out of my ribcage. I was sweating like a pig and i couldn't help my wrapped up hands from shaking. I was indeed really nervous,after all it was my first shrink appointment and i wasn't sure what to expect out of it. I capt on fidgeting on my chair and i swear that if Ray was here with me he would shake his hand but place his hand on my shoulder for support nevertheless. Mikey on the other hand would simply glare and say something really mean and stupid at the same time that would make me laugh. A smile crept on my face at the thought of those two. The day i went at the hospital after my talk with my grandma they both dropped by to see me. It was really moving to say the least as Mikey kept on calling me a stupid asshole while he was ugly crying and Ray was trying to hide his tears by scowling Mikey for calling me an asshole. Once that whole spectacle was done they both sat at each side of me and kept on asking me why i would do such a awful thing to myself. That was when i realized that if i had managed to kill myself it would have hurt more people than just me. They also told me that no matter what happens that they will always be there for me.
"I know that my brother was wrong and obviously i can't just be on your side only as he is my brother after all. But i don't have to choose sides cause you are my motherfucking best friend and i don't want anything bad happening to you."he said and kissed my cheek a move that showed how much he actually cares about me by Mikeyway standards.
"That goes for me too you know. Frank you are our friend and we wanna be there for you but you have to let us."he said his fro bouncing a little making me smile and nod with happy tears in my eyes this time. That was when i decide that i was gonna get better whatever the cost.
"Frank Iero?" i heard a woman's voice call out my name from inside the office. I ran my hand through my now short dark brown hair and placed my fringe behind my ear and took a deep breath before getting up and slowly walking towards the door.
"That's me."i said once inside.
"Please take a seat over there. I'm Emma"she said and smile,her huge eyes popping out. They were kinda scary but comforting at the same time. I walked towards the cream colored couch with my hands in my jean's pockets and sat down warily.
"Well Frank. I have to let you know some basic stuff before we begin. Everything we say in this room stays in this room. We have the famous doctor-patient confidential so i can't talk about anything you say to me with anyone else. I can only inform your grandma about your progress and nothing more. Do you understand that?"she asked in a sweet lady like voice and i nodded.
"With that lets get started the shall we?"i took a deep breath and exhaled.
"We shall."
In the beginning she only asked me a few questions about myself,my childhood,my mother's passing and my dad's abusive self. We later on went further and talked about everything i had experienced in life and my feeling about it. She kept on asking me only about how i felt and that i guess made sense but i found it really good and it actually helped letting my feeling out for once and not keeping them bottled up inside me. Our first session was really hard cause it wasn't natural for me to open up and needless to say it ended up in tears. Well i was the one crying not the doctor, Emma of course.
A few sessions after that and my life was kinda getting back to a good state. It was a slow progress but it was evident. The only thing that i can say was off in my daily life would be the fact that Bob was a bit distant and didn't speak to me when it wasn't necessary. I guess he was still angry for my attempt of taking my own life. He was the only one out of all the people that were in my life that showed how angry he was. Non of the others showed it even though i knew it was a feeling that they all felt. Thankfully for me they didn't treat me differently at all with the exception that i was not to be left alone for a long time. The only time that i had to myself was when i showered and when i went to sleep but i was okay with it. After all i couldn't say argue at their wish to try to stop me from doing that to myself again.
However i feel pretty confident that suicide is not something i am willing to try again any time soon or ever to be fair.
I was over at Mikey's (and Gerard's) house to drop some of my stuff for our sleepover later that day. It still felt uncomfortable to say the least but i could manage it. Mikey had made sure we didn't go anywhere near the now almost empty basement and with his magical powers hid all of the photos and paintings that could bring back memories to me. I was grateful for that as i was on my way to recovery for something i had been dealing with the majority of my life and seeing something that could trigger me to feel hurt would only throw me a step back.
Anyway as i was saying i had just dropped by some of my stuff and had a little chat with Mikey before leaving.
"Where are you going again?"he asked while leaning on my grandad's and now mine car. I sighed dramatically.
"How many times do i have to tell you dummy? Emma signed me up as a volunteer at St. Jimmy's Hospital. I'm supposed to get assigned a kid or well you know someone around our age who is suffering from cancer and help them deal with the fact that they are dying i guess. Really it will be more like them helping me realize how precious life is than vise versa. But still,it's something i am willing to do if it means it's going to help not only me but someone else too you know?"i said and looked down at my still wrapped up arms. I was supposed to get them off in a couple of days but the scaring was something that would never abandon my body. It only gave me a reason to get sleeve tattoos but that shit costs a shitload of money so i would have to find a job first.
"I guess. Who knows you might even meet a hot guy or something."he said encouraging me.
"I dunno Mikes. I'm not sure i'm ready for that."i said and ran my hand through my hair again. Emma said i keep doing that because it's a way of me staying connected with him even though we broke up. It's something he used to do and because i still love him i try to hold onto him by mimicking his actions. I'm not sure it's true though.
"Come on Frankie. You need to move on. You know, I talked to him today and he has. That's what you need to do as well. Fuck my brother and be happy."Mikey said and i shot him a panicked look. Had he told him? I thought to myself and before voicing it out loud Mikey answered my question.
"No i haven't told him anything about that thing. It's not something you tell over the phone and although it's partly his fault i don't want him to feel guilty."he admitted.
"No,yeah i know. I don't want him to feel guilty too. I mean Emma has helped me realize that my break up with Gerard was only the top of the icing. I would have done that even if we were still together had i had something else to trigger such a reaction. I was depressed and hiding it Mikey and that's a never good thing. It will only fuck more with your brain."
With that said we said our see you laters and i took off for the hospital. Upon arriving there i was met with Emma who was the organizer for this thing that we were supposed to take part in.and she would be the one pairing everyone up. I was asked to sit on a plastic waiting chair and wait for my turn. I had kinda dozed of when it actually came but still managed to catch my name.
"Frank Iero with Christian Benlock."i heard Emma's unique voice and my eyes shot up to meet perfect blue eyes staring back at me.
"Hi I'm Christian."