Friendly Affections

“It just doesn’t work that way!” I choked on my tears, praying I could hold them back until I was at least away from Jack. I could feel his gaze watching me and waiting, unfazed. It was unfair how he could deliver me such an ultimatum and then stand by and watch me wrestle with the decision, all the while stony faced and silent.
His hard eyes regarded me with distaste when he finally spoke. “This is pathetic.” He muttered while turning from me, reaching for the knob on his front door. “Jo, just get out. I don’t want to fight with you on this. I know where you’re heart is. So I’ll leave you alone to make your own bad decisions.”
I listened, distressed, as he attempted to make me feel guilty. I was not that weak minded, I knew how I felt and I couldn’t apologize for my feelings. I couldn’t lie to him. I never had and I never would, even if the truth tore his heart out.
Taking a step towards him, suddenly invigorated with fury, I stood on the tips of my toes to close the height gap between us. “Why are you so angry about this? I told you –”
“Yes, Jodie, you told me, but just like you can’t control your feelings, I can’t control mine either.” He leaned down to close the space between us even more and for a moment I nearly let my eyes slide shut and my lips capture his. It was reflexive and had developed from spending the last six months tangled up together in the dark hours of the night.
I could barely speak, locked in the gaze of his familiar eyes. Of everything that had happened in my life and everything I had said and done, using him was the one I regretted most. I had stomped on his heart and then turned away when he searched me for answers. I let him think I was opening up, bringing my guard down and falling in love. I wasn’t though, while he was.
“Jodie.” His voice broke my thoughts. I stepped back, giving him a look I hope he read as apologetic. I wrapped myself in my coat my coat and step out the door he had opened. “Is this really what you want?”
I couldn’t answer his question. I let out a hiccuped laugh and then offered him a mirthless smile. “It’s not your turn to ask a question.”
He regarded me sadly, like a puppy who was being left home alone for the first night in his whole life. If eyes truly are the window to the soul, then in that moment he must of saw how mine was crushed by his expression.
“I’ve got to go, Jack. ‘Bye.” I hurried to the staircase, bypassing the elevator and his overly curious neighbor who had obviously heard our shouting. As my high heels clacked down the otherwise silent stairwell, the tears began to stream. No gross sobbing occurred with them, but they burned my face unlike any tears I had ever cried before.