Friendly Affections

Finding the door to Jack's apartment open, I bound in and ran into the kitchen. Finding it empty, I checked his living room too. Finally I went into his bed room to find him sprawled out on his back, half hanging off the bed and in a deep sleep.
Unable to resist, I leapt onto him and yelled. “I want a puppy!”
He jerked awake, bewildered, and knocked me off of him and onto the floor. “What?”
“I want a puppy!” I repeated from where I lied on the floor.
Looking down at me, still confused and a little disoriented, he mumbled. “Jo?”
“We can't name it Jo, that's my name.” I answered him, as he extended a hand and pulled me back onto the bed. His hair was sticking straight up and his eyes where still partially closed as he tried to lie back down and take me with him. I resist and sat cross legged before him.
“I was serious.” I told him.
He murmured incoherently and shut his eyes, ready to sleep again. I leveled myself over him like I was ready to do a push-up and kissed his lips. He smiled in return and I knew he wasn't drifting off.
“Puppy?” He asked.
“Puppy!” I answered.
He shook his head. “You can't have a puppy.”
“Why?” I persisted.
“You would probably kill it and you can't have pets in your apartment building.” He tugged at my arm, so I complied and curled up into his side. He laced his fingers into my hair and began to stroke it soothingly. I nearly sighed.
“Not true.” I muttered as slid my hand under the hem of his shirt. I felt his abdomen muscles tense. “You're so white. How did you not get any color when you were in Indiana?”
“Inside.” He was still sleepy and infecting me with it through the rhythm of his hand caressing my hair.
I stayed with him as he slept, momentarily forgetting my puppy dreams and only aware of the warmth of Jack's bed and the firmness of his body. It was a nap leftover from his habit of pre-game naps during the season and the gentle afternoon sunlight spilling into his room lulled me to sleep just after him.
A little while later the chiming of my phone startled me awake and perplexed I retrieved it from my pocket, unsure who would be calling me. The name on the screen made my heart deflate, so I sat up and pulled myself from Jack's arms. He barely stirred and offered only an extra flutter of his eyes lashes.
I climbed out of bed and left the room. Sitting at the counter in the kitchen, I held my phone in front of me, assessing the situation. I was torn between wanting to answer and knowing it was a terrible idea. In the end it went to voicemail, while I indecisively stared.
I dialed my voicemail, took a breathe and put my phone to my ear. “Jodie!” came Mark's voice. “It's me. I haven't heard from you in a while so I thought I'd call. And I've got some news, pretty big news.”
Oh no, oh no, oh no. I thought, panicked.
“I'm coming back to Columbus in about a week!”
Oh. No.
“Who's that?” Jack's voice made me jump as he walked into kitchen and over to the fridge. When I didn't respond he looked around the fridge door, took one look at my face and knew. “Oh.”
“Voicemail.” I responded, my tone tight.
He silently grabbed the orange juice from the fridge, a glass from the cupboard, poured himself some and then put away the carton. He leaned on the counter across the island from me, glass in hand. “So, what's up with Mark?”
I bit my lip, half debating whether or not to lie. Brushing the call off as nothing more than him checking in would be easy, but Jack deserved better than that. “He...he's coming back. To Columbus, I mean. Like here.”
The look in Jack's eyes was like a slap to the face. But it passed quickly and he shrugged, nonchalant. He almost had me convinced it didn't bother him, but I had seen the look of discontent in his eyes moment before. “Sounds good. Is he staying?”
“Didn't say.” I murmured my answer, studying the blank screen of my phone. I didn't want to make eye contact with him again and see anymore concealed emotions.
“Jo,” Jack started carefully. “He's no good for you.”
“I know. But I'm no good either, so we're a great match.” I was lying and silently willing Jack to say anything to deny it. I wanted him to get upset, beg me to stay with him, tell me anything and everything he felt for me. Because I knew it ran deeper than just friendship and frequent sex.
“You're good enough.” He answered, handed me his half empty glass of juice and then left the room.
I pushed my complex feelings down by finishing the juice and then leaving the glass in the sink. I then washed it, rinsed it, dried it and put it back in the cupboard. I washed a few other dishes sitting by the sink too, for good measure. Anything to avoid going to back into Jack's room.
But I finally did only to find him sprawled out once more across the soft blue sheets on his bed. He glanced over when I reached the doorway. “Hey.”
“Hey.” My tone was unsure and I stayed glued to the doorframe. I felt as if entering the room would pass some sort of unspoken message unto Jack, one I wasn't positive I wanted to send yet. But I also felt that turning and walking out would do the same, so I stayed in between the two choices.
His gaze returned to the ceiling. “Coming in?” His question was far from hopeful and more flat and derisive than I had ever heard from him. He was expecting the worst.
“I don't know.” I answered helplessly, in response to both his spoken question and the unspoken one linger between us. One asking if I was going drop out of his life and run back to Mark without a moment of indecision.
“I could help, if you would come in and sit down so we can talk about this.” He stated in tone that seemed positive I would give a negative response. And he was right.
I laughed mirthlessly. “I don't think that would work, because it seems like every time I'm near you and a flat surface my common sense tosses itself out a window.”
“Common sense is overrated.” Jack murmured and I chose not to respond, only agree silently.
Chewing my inner lip like it was a stick of bubble gum, I studied him wistfully. I compiled a brief pro-con list in my mind, weighing out all the good vs. the bad of a Jack Johnson and Jodie Pearson relationship. I tried, half-heartedly, to balance the list as keenly and unbiased as I could but found it to be impossible. My only con was the return of a man that Jack and I had no control over and the pros overwrought the prior con immensely.
“Jodie?” Jack sat up on his elbows, meeting hit questioning eyes to mine.
“I just,” I shut my eyes trying to compose myself. “I just need time, Jack. To think about all of this.”
“And you're incapable of thinking in my presence.” He guessed.
“Rationally, yes.” I responded and continued carefully. “I feel like I owe Mark some sort of explanation or something at least, I mean we made a promise to each other a long time ago and I don't even know if everything that was once between us is till between us or not and I need to know. I was in love with him, I can't just cast that off.”
“Okay. I get it.” He snapped, growing angry. “He left you and you were a mess and he didn't care. We spent six months together, and maybe that isn't as long as you and Mark were together but six months is still a while. Can you seriously just forget everything that happened between us?”
“No!” I answered forcefully. “Of course not! But it's not like anything was ever established between us. We were friends, I'll admit that, practically best friends. And we were having sex. But I can’t see how that constitutes a relationship.”
“Jo, the combination of friendship and sex dictates exactly that, a relation –”
His anger was drawing me in too. “Don't be condescending, Jack. I know what a relationship is. But a key point is that the two people actually acknowledge that it's a monogamous relationship.”
“I wasn't with anyone else while we were together and neither were you. And you know that if I had brought up the word monogamous' or 'relationship' with you, you would turned and ran.” He spat viciously and I felt tears catch in my throat. He was right.
“But,” He continued before I could speak. “I got myself into this. I knew everything from the start and I still let myself get messed up with you. I knew that no matter how much I started caring for you that you would always choose someone else over me. So you know what, I brought this on myself. So Jesus Christ, have all the time you want to think Jodie, I'll just stay away and kick myself for falling for you.”
“You never told me!” I protested loudly through my tears. “You never said a word.”
“Don't paint yourself as stupid, it's unbelievable. You knew.” His blurry shape stood, and I could barley perceive through my cloudy eyes as he stepped closer to me.
“Maybe I could wonder!” I was yelling at that point, and trying to staunch the flow of my tears. “Maybe I hope! But I didn't actually know!”
“Jodie.” He said softly and closely. I feel his hand on my arm. “Maybe you were right. You should think about this. Alone.”
“Get off me. You can't even argue with someone, can you? Crumbling the moment they cry.” But my tears didn't stop as I wrenched away from him.
“Only you.” He spoke gently.
I sniffed. “I'm leaving.”
As I made my way towards his front door I heard him following. I was half way down the hall when I finally heard him responded. He called after me, “Call me soon.”
I momentarily cursed him for making my decision so complicated. It wasn't that he was perfect and that any potential relationship between us would run smoothly that made the decision hard. It was that his flaws and my flaws seemed to fit together, rectifying one another, like puzzle pieces cut from the same mold. Or two slightly eclectic and eccentric radio stations that broadcast on the same frequencies. We were on the same wavelength, kindred spirits, both with a fetish for chinese food and cuddling.