Leaving You

Liam was dying. He knew he was. He could feel it in his gut. The end was close. He didn’t know why, but it was. Two months, the doctor said, two months he could spend with his beloved husband and children. Two months of life left to live.

It was a hard reality to swallow. No one is ever ready to hear they don’t have long to live... how could they be ready? To know that in only a few short weeks, they wouldn’t exist anymore. They would be nothing but a memory and a rotting corpse in the ground.

Liam wasn’t ready to die... but he accepted it was going to happen. He’d lived a good life so far. Reaching fame at the age he did had given him a life he had never imagined he would live. He had experiences that not many boys his age were ever given. Now he was twenty-five and he was living his dream. He had the family he always wanted, the best friends he could ever ask for, and the best job he could think of.

He didn’t want to leave so early in his life, but he knew being upset about it wouldn’t help. He just had to live his life - or what was left of it - the best he could. He hid his pain around his kids... they didn’t need to see his pain. Neither did Zayn, but as if he couldn’t tell.

The worst part of the situation, in Liam’s eyes, was that he wouldn’t be able to watch his kids grow up. His little boy and baby girl - only four, and 18 months old. He wouldn’t be able to watch his son win his first football grand final, go to his first day of school or see his graduation... he wouldn’t hear his daughters first words or see her first steps, he wouldn’t be able to walk her down the aisle when she found the perfect man to marry. It broke his heart to think his kids would have no father as they grew up. He wanted to give his children the best life he could... he wished he would be alive for them, at least until they could live on their own.

Zayn was devastated, he couldn’t imagine his life without him. Liam was his world. They’d been together seven years and now it was all going to end. Just like that, his whole life would come crashing down around him.

~

He knew it would be hard saying goodbye to the boys... he just had that feeling. He knew their reactions would break his heart... like the way that Harry’s face dropped and Louis’ face scrunched up like he was forcing himself not to cry... the way the boys fell into each other, Harry sobbing into Louis’ chest... or maybe the way Niall didn’t even hold the tears back, didn’t bother hiding them. With just four little words...the leukaemia’s getting worse.He couldn’t even finish his sentence, they all knew what he was going to say... he was going to say it was killing him.

The next words are the ones that hurt the most though. “I’ve only got two months...” That’s when it got worse. Louis couldn’t hold on anymore, and Niall had thrown himself into Liam’s arms, begging him not to leave... he wished he could stay for them... he really did. But he couldn’t... and they just had to deal with that...

Liam knew they could be strong... he knew they would be strong for him, and let him live on in their memories, that’s all he wanted... for them to remember him for the man he lived as... not the sick man he died as.

~

Telling his mum was horrible... the worst... when he told her, she just stayed silent... he tried to talk to her, tried hard to get her to say something, but she just stayed silent... the only words coming from her mouth being “I’m going to bed.” Liam just sighed and went to sleep in the guest room, wishing Zayn was here to hold him...

~

It had been two months... Liam was just waiting now. He knew it was coming. Then he finally felt it... in every fibre in his body... he could feel it. He got up from the bed, looking over at his husband with tears in his eyes. He walked over to the other side of the bed, leaning over to kiss his lips softly.

“Goodbye, my love. Please... try be happy when I’m gone. I’ll be watching over you. You’ll never be alone... I just want you to be happy... or at least try to be when I’m gone. I love you.” He walked over to his safe, turning the lock and pulling out a letter he wrote Zayn when he found out he was dying. He opened it and read it through...

Dear Zee,

Well... how do I even start? There are so many things that I need to say to you that I now won’t get the chance to ever tell you again. I guess I’ll just start from the beginning. I love you, so fucking much it hurts. It hurts even more to know that I’m going to leave you... like I promised I wouldn’t when I stood next to you at the altar. I never meant to break my promise... the universe just has something else planned for me, I guess.

I love you even more than you could ever imagine. More than I ever thought I could love another person. You’re my lover, you’re my best friend, and you’re my life. God I wish I didn’t have to leave you. You are so perfect, I can’t believe they’re taking me away from you. I know if you were here with me, watching me write this letter you would tell me how silly it is that I’m writing these things. You always believed I wouldn’t die. You prayed for it every day... it just didn’t work, I am so so sorry. I always told you I would die for you. I don’t think this is what either of us had in mind...

Ever since I met you, all those years ago, I have known that you’re the most important person in my life, you still are. Every time I think of you I start to cry. Zee, I hate crying, I hate it so much. It makes me hate you for actually doing this to me, bringing all these unwanted emotions out of me, but then I remember just how much I love you. I try block all these painful thoughts and images out of my mind, but it won’t go away. The sight of your face when I told you I was leaving... the fact that you’re always saying you’re sorry... just as if it were your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not.

I thought we were invincible, obviously I was wrong. We were a team Zee, one of the best teams in the world. I guess we’ll always be a team, just as long as you don’t find a new partner in crime while I’m up in heaven, because one day, I’ll see you walking through those gates and I’ll just know that we’ll be together forever after that... I promise I’ll save you a spot next to me up there.

I still have trouble accepting that I’m actually going. I can’t really believe it. I keep hoping that I’ll go to the doctors for a check-up and everything will be fine. I dream about you Zee, and all our memories together. Back in the One Direction days when we were just kids without a care in the world. You even stuck with me through my solo project too, even though all it did was stress you out. You were my best friend, who helped me through all my pain and suffering, all my depressions. It’s going to take a lot of time to get used to not being here to make you smile, but maybe you’ll find someone else that makes you smile... god I hope so. All you’ll have left of me is nine amazing years of memories, Zee, just let them keep you going... please, I want you to stay strong. You are the strongest man I know... let this just make you stronger. I love you so much, Zee.

Love Liam.

Tears soaked the page as he folded it back up and placed it in Zayn’s hand. He leant down and kissed his lips once more before he slowly walked out of the room, trying to be as silent as possible. He couldn’t risk waking Zayn up... he couldn’t handle that.

He walked down the hall, into his sons room and got down on his knees at the edge of the bed. He grabbed his son’s hand gently as he bit his lip to stop from crying.

“Hey baby. Daddy’s going to miss you when he’s gone....you’re my little man... my best bud... I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, buddy...” He put his head down on the bed, forcing himself not to cry. He had to be strong. He had only said a few words to the little boy and was already getting choked up.

“Where are you going daddy?”

Liam’s head shot up, “Benny.” He saw the little boy sitting up in his bed, looking at him with wide eyes. He shook his head and pulled the boy into a tight hug, the tears finally falling down his cheeks. His son wasn’t supposed to wake up... this was supposed to be easy... “Benny, daddy has to go away for a little while. He has to go and visit grandpa.”

“In heaven?” The boy asked as he pulled away and looked up at his father.

“Yes baby, in heaven. Promise you’ll look after mummy and Ali for me?” Liam pushed the boy’s hair out of his face. He smiled at how they still called Zayn mummy... the boy had never called him anything different... only mummy. “You’ve got to promise me.” He was trying to force the tears to stop, but he couldn’t... he could see the little boy’s eyes get watery and it killed him. This was goodbye. He was never seeing his son again. Never tucking him in and never kissing him goodnight. Never singing happy birthday to him, or going carolling with him at Christmas... never again.

“I’ll miss you daddy. I promise I will look after them.” The boy hugged his father tight. “Say hi to grandpa will you? Tell him I miss him too.”

“Of course, Benny. Of course I will... and daddy will protect you from heaven, okay? I love you buddy. Go to sleep, okay?” The little boy rubbed his eyes and nodded.

He tucked the boy in and kissed his forehead, before walking out of the room and into his daughters room... his heart broke for what felt like the millionth time that night.

She looked so tiny in that little crib... her body was swallowed by the blankets... she was so small... so vulnerable... who was going to protect her from the world now? Now that he couldn’t, now that he would be gone. He bend over and picked up the baby... this fragile little human he created. He kissed her nose and forehead softly, “Goodnight sweetheart... I know you’re going to grow up to be something great, just like your daddies... you’re going to break so many hearts baby... you’re gonna be such an amazing little girl...” He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get control of the tears. “I love you baby.” He lay her back down in her crib and turned around... he had to get out of there.

He walked down the stairs and into the living room... he knew that this was the best place to go... this was the room where he had so many amazing memories... Christmases with the boys and his family, making love to Zayn in front of the fire, snuggling together on the couch and watching their wedding tape... all his favourite memories were here. This was the place he wanted to die.
He sat down on the couch, relaxing into the cushions. He could feel himself fading.... Fading... it wasn’t painful... it was just - nothing. It felt like falling asleep... but knowing you won’t wake up. It was peaceful. He felt his pains and heartache fading away...

Liam heard stomping down the stairs... he knew then that Zayn was awake. Zayn had read his letter, Zayn knew this was the end. His eyes filled up with tears once more. He hated goodbyes... he hated them... he had said goodbye to too many people... Zayn was one that he just couldn’t...
“Oh, Li.” He looked up and saw the man he had fallen in love with all those years ago, his hair messy and eyes full of tears. Zayn threw himself into Liam’s lap, pressing themselves as close together as they could. Zayn’s heart was beating strong against his chest... it kept him holding on just that little bit longer, but Zayn could feel Liam’s heartbeat slowing.... Fading... just like the light in Liam’s eyes had over the last two months.

Zayn kissed him, shaking his head, “No... Li... come on, Li, please... no.” He kissed him again, “Li... hold on... please, just a little longer!” Liam could see the tears in Zayn’s eyes, the heartbreak that was so obviously taking over, “I’m not ready to lose you yet... I’m not, you can’t leave us yet... we need you Li... we need our daddy... we always need you... you can’t leave.”
Liam raised a shaky hand up to caress Zayn’s face as he forced a smile, “Hey, I’m not leaving you... I’m just going to love you from heaven... but I’ll always be loving you... always.”
Zayn shook his head, “No... I can’t do this alone! I need you, Liam.”

“You can... you can, Zee. You are such an amazing father, an amazing man... you can do anything.”

Zayn seemed to accept this and let out a choked sob, “I’m going to miss you.” He leaned down and let his forehead touch Liam’s.

Liam’s smile dropped and he leaned forward to kiss Zayn’s lips, “I will miss you too... so much.”
Zayn had no words, he just cried, holding Liam tightly, kissing his lips softly. Liam took in a large breath and lay down, pulling Zayn into his arms and holding him as tight as he could, which wasn’t very tight at all.

Zayn kissed his collar bone, “It’ll be okay...” Liam knew he was saying this more for himself than Liam, but Liam found comfort in the words.

“It will.” Zayn nodded and kissed him once more.

They lay in silence, just existing together for the last time...

And everything turned black, that’s when Liam knew that this was right, this was meant to happen... he felt good... better than he had in years... all he had to do was wait for Zayn to join him, and for Zayn, Liam would wait a thousand years.

Years passed after Liam’s death... Zayn kept living, his children grew up, fell in love, got married. More years passed and Liam’s friends started dying, some of old age, some of heartbreak... only Zayn was left... he was alone, never having remarried after losing Liam. No one made him feel the way Liam did. He kept Liam alive with his memories, spoke amazing thing about him. His children barely knew him... they never spoke of him.

Liam was forgotten, each day the upset his death had caused faded just that little bit more until Zayn was the only one who thought about him. He thought about him every day... like those nine years he had known him were the only years that had mattered in his life, the only ones he remembered.

As Zayn had gotten older, his memory became worse, he forgot important things like birthdays and Christmas, but never Liam. He never forgot Liam. He counted down every day he lived without Liam. He visited his grave on his birthday, Christmas, Easter... whenever he could he went to his grave and sung to him, spoke to him, told him how much he loved him…

Zayn passed away exactly fifty three years seven months and 9 days after Liam.

That was the day he was forgotten.

That was the day Liam really died.