Accept Me or Except Me

Ohio, Present Day

I paused as the little Jesus figure welcomed me to my home. I’m not religious, like my parents, but I prayed silently to him that it would still be my home by the end of the evening. I opened the door and stepped inside. My dad, the priest, was in between services and sitting on the armchair. My mom, a writer, was typing away on the couch. They looked so peaceful, carefree. It made me sick inside.

I had to tell them. It could get back to them in a bad way if I didn’t. I sucked in my pride and stood in front of the TV. Both parents looked up. Their expressions changed in a matter of seconds. From indifference to worry; my face says it all. My throat was croaky, but I swallowed and stammered:

“I…I, uh, have something to, uh, say,” I began, shaking. “I think I’ve, uh, known for a while, but, uh, I’m p-pretty sure I’m, uh… gay.”

Their eyes widened. My mom gasped. They both did, but mom closed her laptop and walked away, crying. Dad’s the priest, but she’s the most religious, I guess. My dad just stayed there, paralysed for the moment. He sighed. I broke down. I crashed on the couch, tears stinging my eyes. I was sitting down, my head in my hands, shaking violently. My dad did nothing. I looked at him. I begged with my eyes for acceptance. He shook his head slowly, but he said the best thing I’d heard in my life.

“This is, uh, not preferable, but,” he looked at me with sorrow; this was so hard for him. “I guess we can live with that. I’m not sure how it’ll take for your mom or even me to accept it, but we love you, son. Nothing can change that.”

I wanted more than anything for a hug from my father, but he stayed clear of me. He was right. It might take all the time in the world, but he was trying, and that was more than I could ever ask for. My dad was looking away now, so I couldn’t see his face. He looked back, hesitant. He didn’t want to talk any more, but something was making him curious.

“How long, uh, have you known?”

“T-two, three years?”

I think this broke his heart. He started wailing almost as loudly as I was. I didn’t tell him for so long, but he knows why. He’s always been the perfect Christian. What will happen when people know that the priest’s son is gay? A freak in the eyes of the lord. He’s going to lose his job. This makes me feel a thousand times worse. I’ve failed him, haven’t I?

“Does anyone else know?” he asked suddenly. This caught me off guard.

“I told Matt and Pete at lunch. No-one else knows.”

I think they accept me. It seemed like it, but people around here will do anything to stab a homo in the back. I shook my head as a sign that I was done talking, and even though I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders, I was in for a sleepless night.

* * *

I thanked Jesus on my way to school that morning. My coming out was far from over, but I felt like the most sentimental part was. I just needed to hope for dear life that Matt and Pete had shut up. I walked slowly down my street, expecting someone to come out and start throwing things at me, but everything was silent. As I reached my bus stop, the yellow vehicle arrived.

I saw Matt a couple of rows in front of the very back. I walked to him, feeling bad, but exceptionally better than I had the previous evening. Matt’s face made me feel worse and curious and a whole mix of things all at once. I sat next to him, and pity was in his eyes.

“Pete told.”

Those two words were like a stab in the gut. I felt it go warm, and my stomach dropped twenty feet, I swear. I felt like I was going to puke, but I could only sit where I was and try not to look suspicious. I couldn’t believe that Pete, my friend since kindergarten, had done this to me. He didn’t strike me as homophobic. I threw my head back and silently screamed. I looked at Matt.

“After you told us and left for English Lit, Pete asked me what I was going to do. I said I’d keep it a secret and he said that he couldn’t let you get away with being a dirty fag. I’m so sorry, Lee. I tried to stop him, but he left me, too. He didn’t even want to be seen with me.”

I needed to cry. I knew I wouldn’t be able to hold the tears in. As the bus stopped, I scrambled outside and legged it to the boys’ room. I wailed, I hyperventilated, just two minutes felt like hours of sobbing. The bell rang. I did my best to clean myself up, and I left the restroom, to come face to face with Danny Jockling; senior, quarterback, and he got any girl he wanted. Oh boy, they wanted him. I gulped.

He punched me in the face as soon as he got the chance. “I heard you’re fag.” He spat as he punched me in the gut. “Stay away from me, pussy.” He walked away.

I looked at him and said the first thing I thought. “Why can’t you just accept me or except me?”