Accept Me or Except Me

“I just want to be alone tonight, ‘K? Tomorrow you’re all mine, remember that,” he turned to me and planted a kiss on my lips.

“Believe me,” I laughed. “I will.”

He walked me to my house. He reached down for my lips but I stopped him. He looked confused, and then remembered where we were. His face went from confusion to understanding to exasperation.

“Lee, you haven’t told them yet, have you?”

“They need time to digest! I’m not ready for them to know I have a boyfriend!”

He sighed and looked at my face. I was his, and he wanted everyone to know it.

“Lee, this is like a Band-Aid. You gotta just rip it off and let the pain go. If you wait any longer you wait, it’ll peel off. They’ll get ideas before you’re ready, and just like that, the Band-Aid is flopping about leaving icky sticky stuff on your arm!”

I laughed at his metaphor. It was a common one, but not everyone took it so literally. I sighed. I wanted a kiss, but my parents could come out any second.

“Danny. Calm down. I’ll do it as soon as I can, ‘K?”

He sighed yet again. He knew what it was like, coming out. That was the best-case scenario! I’ve got to admit, I’m kind of jealous how easy it was for him! He might have got that sick feeling, but it wasn’t necessary! He knew his parents would love him like they always would no matter what.

“Bye, Lee. I’ll pick you up from the party whenever you’re ready, OK?”

I nodded my head and returned my gaze to Jesus.

* * *

My dad drove me to Alice’s. He was uncomfortable, I knew, but no-one else could take me. Matt was in the back, occasionally taking to me. The whole car journey was kind of awkward. A whole level of awkwardness I’d never experienced before. I just kept looking at Dad’s solemn face. He pulled up.

“Don’t go doing anything I wouldn’t do,” he said quietly. He used the classic words to avoid using his own.

“Dad, I’m gay. That doesn’t change who I was before I knew. I was never a trouble maker. You can trust me!”

I knew he didn’t quite believe me, but he took it anyway. Matt and I got out of the car and he drove away, leaving us in silence apart from the heavy beat of the shit Alice listened to. I looked at Matt. It was the same look from before. The one that told me he loved me.

“Are you OK Matt?”

“Yeah, I’m fine…” he murmured quietly. “Can we just go in, now?”

We entered the house to find the music was at an eardrum piercing volume, and everyone had already arrived. Matt and I tried finding somewhere quiet that wasn’t occupied without success. We ended up on the bottom stair, exchanging some words now and then.

It was strange, because it wasn’t long until we actually loosened up in the relaxed atmosphere of the party. It was reckless, crazy and immature, but relaxed. My throat was soon begging for water.

“Are there any drinks?”

“Only beer and wine, I think. There’s no water. Sex in the kitchen and bathroom.”

I didn’t even want to know what people were doing with the taps. I decided to grab a beer. It wouldn’t do anything, but it was something. Once I had one, though. I kept asking for more, and soon I was downing them in seconds. I’d never felt so alive!

I looked to my side to see Matt was still on his second bottle. He looked tired, though. The atmosphere itself was enough to get you to go crazy. Suddenly he jumped up and pulled me towards the dance floor. I got another beer out of a nearby cooler and danced with him.

Everyone was so close. Everyone was hot and sweating, but they were having fun listening to garbage. I started dancing; going up and down with the beat, if you could call it that. Suddenly I felt hands on my waist. I turned around to see Matt behind me. He started grinding his hips behind me. I was too drunk to stop him, so I let it go, just having a good time in the moment.

After three more songs, I ran out of breath and retired back to our place on the steps, to find that they’d been taken. I was so damn tired, I decided to call Danny. I was having fun, but seeing these bodies sprawled on the stairs would make anyone in any state want to hurl. I dialled his number.

“Dan…nyyy!” I called.

I asked him the best I could in my drunk state, but I was already being pulled upstairs by Matt. I couldn’t be bothered struggling, I ran to the bedroom with him, but, to my surprise, he shut it.

He pulled me onto the bed.

“Matt, what the fuck?” I asked.

“You’re tired! You need to sleep!”

I sighed, and I was about to fall asleep when I heard a moan from beside me. I opened my eyes to see Matt staring at me, his crotch like a cone. I knew he kind of loved me, but did this mean… did this mean Matt was gay too?

I felt his hands on my waist again and suddenly I was moaning. I turned around to face him. Out of nowhere, I kissed him. At first he was stunned, but I kept going, so he followed suit. Suddenly, I was on top of him, trying my best to get that annoying piece of fabric called a shirt from his torso.

We were going too far, but I couldn’t stop. It just felt so good! I can’t believe I was having sex with Matt. But Danny…

The door had opened since Matt closed it, and Danny was in the doorway with tears stinging his eyes. I had hurt him. I’d gone too far.