Accept Me or Except Me

The whistle blew, calling half time. I was sweating. I hadn’t played like that in months. Well, I hadn’t played in months, period. I sat on the bleachers and took my helmet off; my hair had plastered itself onto my skull. I remembered Laurence saying once that where he comes from, rugby is played without any protective gear whatsoever (short of a cup, maybe). I winced at the thought of playing football without my padding. Ouch.

Then I realized just how much I missed having the other three guys around.

The Rhinos where looking better than ever in their classic gray, white and blue, by the looks of it. It was just lucky that coach hadn’t thought to replace me. Once, he said that I reminded him of his brother when they were kids. I took that as a sign that he liked me, but I’m not the best judge of character. I mean, look how I’d treated Lee before, well before –

There it was again. That pang in my chest.

I leaned back in the sun. It was getting hotter and hotter every day. Seventy degrees was becoming the norm. It was midway through July by now. That meant graduation was looming its rewarding but scary head just around the corner. I felt like I should be relieved. No more school shit to deal with until college. But the responsibility, come on. Lee always said that he was excited for college, ‘cause he likes things just so. More control over his life and less time hanging around the losers at our school. Because of my history in school, I guess it was easier for me to survive school than Lee.

Lee. Lee fucking Nickelson. The fact that he came up every fucking other minute in my head was driving me nuts. I still haven’t decided whether that’s healthy or not.

“Break’s over kids,” yelled the coach from the other side of the field. “Time to show me what you’ve learned!”

* * *

Hazel’s Bagels. The place was almost nostalgic to me. I remembered when Lee had first told his dad about us about a month ago. I turned to look at the table in the corner; there it was. That was the exact spot where it had happened.

I walked up to the counter. Not to buy, no my wallet was as flat as ever. I saw an almost middle aged woman who tried to pass as thirty at the till, with red hair and wide smile.

“Welcome to Hazel’s Bagels, would you like to place an order?”

“No thanks, Mrs. Goodwin, I’m here for that job,” I replied, handing her an envelope written and signed by my mother.

“Oh, OK. We can talk now, if you like. Sit down and I’ll be with you in a moment.”

I chose to sit by the left wall of the building so I was as far away from where we’d been sitting a month ago as possible. In my head, I saw the ghosts of us, chatting and laughing before Lee got that call. Then the ghosts got solemn. I looked away.

At the counter, I saw Hazel Goodwin take off her apron and call for someone to take over her shift. A girl almost blasted the kitchen door down in her eagerness to answer the request. She put her green and yellow baseball cap with the company’s logo on it assertively. The small, mouse-like girl was definitely ready to serve.

Then the manager came back to where I was sitting with a smile on her face.

“I’m sorry for that; I’d completely forgotten our agreement.”

I had too until after I’d gotten back from practice the evening earlier. Mom had given me this letter to hand in. She really did take care of me too much.

“Me too,” I replied simply once I’d realized that she was probably expecting a response.

“Yes, it was about nine years ago I think. You and your mother sat down on a table near the counter and I could hear your conversation. When you tried your donut, you asked if you could have one every time you had a game at school, but your mom said no,” she smiled.

“Yeah, she said it was too expensive, didn’t she? No offence, I mean,” I mumbled quickly.

“Then your mom said if you worked here when you were older you’d get an employee discount.”

“I was excited even before I realized I’d be earning money on top of that!”

“You were so excited, in fact, that your mother requested a job for you on the spot. All these years I thought she was joking, until she called me up the other day to say that you’d be here.”

We talked and laughed a little more, and the girl at the counter – Penelope, her name tag read, - brought over some pastries. A good half hour had passed before I noticed something.

“Don’t you want to see a résumé or something?”

“You’re what, seventeen? No need. I also believe in apprenticeships rather than picking up people who’ve already had experience. You’ve got to start somewhere, right?”

“Sure do.”

I thanked Mrs. Goodwin and stood up. She told me I’d start at the counter on Thursday, and that eventually I might be taught how to make her locally famous croissants. I reached out my hand because I thought that’s what you do at job interviews, and she took it anyway.

Thanking her again, I made a swift exit.

Everything on the route home reminded me of something that had happened recently. As soon as I left the building, I saw the forest’s opening to my left. Yeah, that forest. The park was also opposite the bakery, and I walked through it. I saw the swings where Alice had called and where Lee and I had our moment. It was also where Laurence told me his news. I quickened my pace.

I left the park and crossed the bridge over the river. I saw Lee’s house on the bank, and it saddened me to know that he wasn't there. I made a few turns after passing his house, dodging trees that lined the avenues, noting where Coach had stopped me a few days earlier, before finally I got to my house.

Just before I got to my front door, I felt my phone buzz. I checked the message; it was from Lee. He said that he thought he’d found Laurence.

Thank. Fucking. God.