Accept Me or Except Me

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my fucking god, I kissed Danny Jockling.

I kissed Danny Jockling.

Wait, he kissed me.

The whole idea made me tingle inside. After kissing me, he said he was confused. I think he’s trying to work out what his sexuality is. I’d always thought that if sexuality was a scale, with 0 as completely straight and ten as completely gay, I’d be up at eight or nine with Danny down on 0. Maybe 1 if I was lucky, but never had I thought he’d rise this high up in the scale. He’s at least a four, I’m sure of it. Maybe five, maybe more, I didn’t know about his sex life.

I guess he wanted to experiment. He didn’t use that word though. It sounds a bit harsh, but I guess that means he wants to go further. He wants to go further. Was I ready for this? Good god, I was one of maybe five people in my grade who were still virgins. I would’ve been able to get myself a girl easily when people thought I was straight, but I didn’t want one. I’m pretty sure I’m ready.

I lay in bed sweating. Danny was about six, seven feet away, in his bed. How I longed for the beds to be closer, but Danny didn’t want to be seen with me. He just wanted to know where he was on the scale. I couldn’t blame him.

* * *

That morning, I could feel the tension between Danny and me. I liked it. It was a different tension from what I was used to now. I was used to uncomfortable tension. Now I felt like there was a tension like he wanted to get away. Not just that, I felt like he wanted to get away with me. Somewhere private, where we can talk.

In the dining room, Danny sat at the end of the long dining room table, and I sat next to him. My mom didn’t know about how he beat me up. She didn’t look at me enough to notice. My mom sat further down the table, but the members filled up the rest of the table, which seated ten people.

A banquet had been served. Large platters of pancakes, fruit, eggs and bacon and boxes of cereal were arranged neatly on the table, along with milk, juice, sugar and syrup. I could just stuff myself, but my mom was big on manners, and I learned to control my hunger. A couple of the book club members would ask me or Danny a question during breakfast, which we’d answer politely with a full sentence, but a conversation would never start up between us. Danny and I left the book club members alone to talk with each other, as they’d been doing during the whole meal.

Danny led me to our room. Again, I didn’t want to feel too suggestive, but Danny pulled me onto the bed with him. He didn’t kiss me yet, though. He just stared at me. Oh my god, he likes me. I had no idea! It was just so plain now that I kicked myself (metaphorically) for not noticing earlier.
“Do you want to talk?” I asked.

“No, I just want to look at you,” he said. I felt my cheeks warming as I blushed. “You don’t mind, do you? I just need to know my feelings and sort them out. I just need to be able to look at you in private. Is that OK?”

“It’s more than OK.” I said. ‘Because it means I can look at you,’ I added in my head.

I stared at him stare at me. His eyes softened when he realised that we were doing the same thing. I let my eyes trace him. I looked at his spiked brown hair, his big but not too big forehead, his sharp cheekbones which had a red tint to them and his soft lips. His neck was thick but it looked so comfy, so welcoming. He didn’t look like the sex doll he was… or pretended to be.

His eyes were scanning me, too. My short black hair gelled into the average style. My hair was curly without it. I didn’t like that. He looked at my round cheeks which were burning, my tiny nose and my lips, which were smiling. I stared at his big white teeth as he smiled. They were so straight and perfect.
He looked down. I knew he was done with just sitting and looking at me. Was that a hint of desire in his eye? Did he want more? Of course he did. Although it helps, you can’t find your place on the scale by just staring.