Fallin' Apart

I couldn’t help myself from glancing nervously down the aisle every five seconds. My heart was speeding in my chest. I couldn’t keep my breathing down to a normal rate. I felt too hot and uncomfortable in my suit and my palms were sweating.

I swallowed, glancing back down the aisle again.

It was getting closer.

My wedding day wasn’t a day I was looking forwards to. But not because I was the one with cold feet. I was dreading this because of Lara.

Of course all people panic on their wedding day. But I was worried for another reason. I was just praying to God that my bride showed up.

It had taken me a year to summon up the courage to propose to Lara. We’d been together for three years and had a three year old son together.

Well, Seth wasn’t my son, but I loved him like he was.

The story between me and Lara was the kind of thing you heard about in fairy tales. Our relationship wasn’t the kind that really happened in real life.

Lara and I had been together for two years when we were sixteen and up until she was eighteen. She moved across the country after her eighteenth birthday on a mad pursuit to fulfil her dream of becoming a tattoo artist.

I had been heart broken when she’d told me she was leaving me, leaving me for such a stupid dream that would never happen. I was devastated. I was convinced I’d never love anyone ever again. Lara was the only girl I’d ever loved.

When I happened to bump into her by accident six years later, I barely recognised her.

She was covered head to foot in tattoos and piercings and was pushing a pram.

She’d barely recognised me either and had immediately tackled me in a huge hug and introduced me to Seth, the sleeping infant in the pram.

Lara had dragged me into a coffee shop and we’d caught up on the last six years. A few weeks later we carried on what we’d had six years ago and it was like nothing had changed. Well, except there was a baby now.

Lara had become a fully qualified tattoo artist and had travelled around from shop to shop. She had found herself pregnant at twenty three and didn’t know who the father was. She was drunk, apparently. It didn’t really surprise me. She continued with her tattoo work and had juggled between a baby and work by herself.

She’d travelled everywhere I could think of and met thousands of people and her story was for more interesting than mine. I’d gone to university, got a degree in business and was currently working in as a real estate agent.

My life felt pathetic compared to Lara's. I’d done nothing and she’d done everything within the six years we’d been apart.

The reason I was so nervous about proposing to Lara was because she so temperamental. She was flighty and just didn’t do commitment. It just wasn’t her. She’d always been like that. It was clear in everything she did. Like how she’d left as soon as she turned eighteen. She’d travelled the world and never stayed in one place too long. She always got restless and felt trapped and felt the need to escape.

Commitment scared her. The thought of staying with one thing for the rest of her life was terrifying to her.

The only permanent thing in her life so far was Seth. And even then I doubted that sometimes.

Lara loved her son with all of her heart, that was clear to anyone. But you could see it frustrated her sometimes, being tied down with such a huge responsibility for the rest of her life. She loved Seth and would never do anything to hurt him. But it just wasn’t in her nature to commit to anything.

I’d been shocked when Lara had said yes. I’d thought I was imagining it, hearing things. But she’d agreed to marry me and that scared me and filled me with joy at the same time. I was happy because I was marrying the woman of my dreams. The only woman I’d ever loved. But I was scared because I doubted her ability to stick to her word.

I’d already lost her once and it was a miracle she was back in my life again.

I just wasn’t sure how long she’d be there for.

Hushed whispers erupted throughout the church and I turned around to see Lara slowly making her way towards me by herself. Her father wasn’t here to walk her down the aisle. Neither was her mother. Hardly any of Lara family was at our wedding. It was mainly just her friends. Lara hadn’t spoken to her parents since she was nineteen. Her family had pretty much disowned her because they disapproved that much of her lifestyle.

Lara's dress was a simple white strapless number made of creamy satin. It hugged her form perfectly and was decorated with lace at the top. Her dark thick hair hung down her back and she wore basic make-up, apart for her trademark heavily made up eyes, decorated with dark eye shadow and thick eyeliner. She'd gotten rid of the lip and nose ring and wore simple diamond ear rings.

She looked so odd but incredibly beautiful in her dress. Odd because of the ink that was
permanently tattooed into her skin, contrasting amazingly with the pure white dress, colour and pictures spilling out over the dress and onto her skin. I thought it just made her more unique and added to my fascination with her. She had a giant tiger back piece-she was born in the year of the tiger-and had a sleeve of birds on her left arm, ranging from humming birds to peacocks to doves to swans. Her other arm was covered in lyrics and portraits of her friends. Her leg had other random sayings, quotes and lyrics on them. She had tattoos of art work she’d created herself and pieces of other artists she admired.

I couldn’t list all the tattoos she had. There were too many. But the most common tattoo that occurred on her body was a bird. She’d explained to me they were her favourite animal because they were free. And that was exactly what Lara craved for constantly. Freedom. She wasn’t born to locked up in a cage and trapped her whole life. She was meant to fly.

I gave her my brightest, warmest and most encouraging smile I could muster, trying not to let it falter when she didn’t smile back. She glanced around at everyone who was whispering and staring at her and she stopped.

My heart was in my mouth as I recognised the panic in her eyes.

She glanced over her shoulder before looking back at me and proceeding with her walk down the aisle.

My mother was glaring at her like she wanted to murder her. My parents were horrified when I introduced them to Lara and Seth for the first time. My mother insisted this wasn’t the right choice for me. She told me I was stupid for getting myself into this. To her, marrying Lara was the worst thing I could ever do. Not only was she unable to commit to relationships, she had a child to boot.

Never mind how much they disapproved of her tattoos.

My heart slowed a little when Lara finally made it to my side.

The ceremony passed in a blur. I was only paying attention to the words that would confirm Lara wanted to marry me.

I said my ‘I do’ and then turned to Lara, searching her face desperately.

The priest beamed at her, waiting for her answer. Lara's eyes were full of tears and her mouth hung open.

She turned to me and the tears spilt down her face, her making streaking and leaving long black marks down her cheeks.

“Lara?” I whispered.

She shut her mouth and shook her head.

“I-I can’t,” she said with a choked breath. “I can’t, I’m so sorry.”

Within the blink of an eye she was gone, her bouquet abandoned on the floor by my feet. She flew down the aisle in a blur of white satin and dark swinging hair. My feet automatically took off after her.

She kicked her heels off as she ran, stumbling a little and losing her stride, but she carried on, her bare feet pounding against the hard stone of the floor.

“Lara!” I screamed. “Lara, wait, please! Lara!"

She glanced over her shoulder at me, her face distraught and smeared messily with her dark eye make-up. She let out a sob before turning back around and running even faster away from me, hitching her dress up in her hands.

“Evan!”

I didn’t stop.

“Evan, wait!”

A hand clamped down on my shoulder as I watched Lara vanish around the corner and out of my life.

“Evan, don’t. She’s not coming back,” Jay, my best man, panted beside me. “Just let her go.”

I broke down then, flinging myself at him and sobbing into his neck. He just let me cry and ruin his expensive suit.

I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, seeing her flee from my life for the second time. I’d tried to hold onto her. I’d tried so hard. But trying to hold onto Lara was impossible. Everything I’d feared had come true. I should have known this would happen. I knew Lara, I knew her better than she knew herself, and yet I was still stupid enough to let this happen. I should never have asked her to marry me. I should’ve just been content with what we had, because at least then I still would have had her.

And yet, I somehow knew we would always fall apart in the end.

But it didn’t change how much I loved her.