Embrace the Unknown

Dear diary,

Dear journal,

Dear self,

Dear, Noelle,

Dear, future me,

Fuck it. Titles are lame anyway.

I don't know why I'm writing in this or why I even felt the need to buy this journal today, but something in me just said do it. I like living on impulse so I did and now it's 10pm and I'm sitting on my bed writing like this is something therapeutic a therapist thought I should do. Not saying that everyone who writes in diaries or journals needs help, but I'm just as confused as you are as to where I'm going with this.

John, that's my best friend of sorts, told me that he writes in journals and he's not crazy (at least not certifiably). After I stopped making fun of him for writing in a diary like some high school girl, he told me that it helps him to get all his thoughts out on paper. He says that sometimes when he's in a bad mood or upset or whatever, he can just look back at something he wrote down and remember what he was feeling at that moment and that just helps him get over his problems. I just dismissed him but then I saw this journal...do you know what you look like? You're actually pretty boring to be honest. I'd say no offense, but let's be real, people only say no offense when they're making offensive comments so that's be a pointless statement. You're just brown and on the front the word 'JOURNAL' is written with this curly, swoopy border surrounding the word. Not something that would typically catch anyone's eye but I noticed you so that's all the counts I guess. I wasn't planning on actually writing in this thing. I just tossed it onto my dresser when I get home and went about my day. Just before I went to sleep, I looked over and there you were, just sitting there waiting to be written in and now here we are.

Quite frankly, I don't have a clue what to say. I could 'start from the beginning' and write about my entire life up until this point but I think I'd have carpal tunnel by the time I got to age sixteen so that's out of the question. Maybe I'll just talk about now. Or John. He's been such a big part of my life since I was 17 that it seems appropriate to talk about him. I did already mention him anyway.

John and I never had a normal relationship - whatever the definition of normal is. You can't really google 'what is a normal relationship?' Go ahead try, I'll just wait right here.

No real answers right? No. You just get a hundred results about healthy relationships and that's an entirely different thing. If you ask ChaCha, it just says some shit about relationships and how long they last. So basically that's a question that can never be answered.

Right from the beginning things were different between John and I. How we acted with our other friends and how we acted with each other just never seemed to compare and even today things are like that. It isn't obvious to everyone, or maybe it is and we are both just too oblivious to the looks they secretly send us. Either way, our friendship can't be compared to any other typical relationship between two people and yet it can't be compared to a relationship with anything more than platonic feelings. There's no way to describe it other than different and even if I could, I wouldn't want to.

People today have a nasty habit of looking too far into things. Sometimes I think people need to realize that you don't need to always over analyze things. We just need to accept them as what they are in face value and deal with it. But ever since Albert Einstein and Christopher Columbus, the need to constantly know more has obscured the views of nearly everyone in the world. Today, it can't just be accepted for there to be no answers. It's impossible for people to comprehend that some things are mysteries and there's nothing that can be done about it. Eventually, we're going to work our minds so hard to find the truth about things that when we actually uncover what we've been searching for all along, we won't be able to handle it. Take aliens for example. Do they exist? Do you people really get abducted? Scientists, NASA, and Alien nerds who obsess over this stuff are constantly searching for those answers. What happens when they find what they are looking for and the truth is not what they really wanted to find? Then what? We become depressed or disappointed? We keep searching more? What happens when there are no more questions to ask?

Our minds will not be able to comprehend the truth that we relentlessly search for and that will ultimately lead to our own demise. I mean, we're already killing each other with pollution and oil drilling and tearing down the rainforests so why not speed up the process by searching for things that we really should just let be. Not all things need to be found, or answered, or defined. Some things just are. They simply exist and that's fine. Why does everything need to be drilled until we are satisfied with what we've discovered? If there's one thing about the human race that disappoints me, it's the lack of adventure for the unknown that no one seems to understand. I personally like not being able to have answers for everything in the world. It makes living with millions of people tolerable because at least we're all just part of something larger than we cannot comprehend.

When it comes to relationships, everyone likes to stick their noses where they don't belong. The paparazzi will take thousands of pictures for writers who type up hundreds of articles of people who were suddenly seen together. It's like we always need to know what is going on in everyone else's lives just so we can avoid facing the reality of our own lives. I'll admit, I've read a few articles in People about random actors and actresses or singers suddenly appearing in public with other actors and actresses or singers and wondered if they're a couple or not. But then I ask myself 'why the hell do you care?' Because if I'm being honest with you, which I will be because you're simply a journal that, if I can help it, no one else will read - well except for John - , so I don't need to worry about you telling anyone, or John telling anyone either (he knows I'll punch him), but if I'm being honest with you, I could give two shits about whether or not Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye West or if Miley Cyrus is engaged to Liam Hemsworth. It's not my life, it has nothing to do with me. Whether they are or are not won't truly effect my life so I don't care. Of course, half the world would disagree with me but still, I could care less. John says I'm too careless about the world. That doesn't really make sense though. I love the world. I'm the one who's a vegetarian because animals don't need to be killed or treated in horrible ways for my own satisfaction. I'm the one who won't ride in his truck because that thing puts more gas in the air than a semi. I love the world. I just hate everyone who lives in it. Call me a cynic but that's just who I am....That line was so cliche. Sorry, Journal.

Anyway, back to John and I. There were days where John and I would hate each other. Like when we were seventeen and we had only known each other for a few months. He took me to my first party. He promised to stay with me because I wasn't much of socialite back then and I was nervous. Well, let's just say that it took John all of twenty minutes to be lost and plastered. I had to spend the night searching for him, trying to keep him from drinking himself into a coma, and drag him to my house so his parents wouldn't flip a shit.

We got over that night eventually. The fact that John woke up the next morning on my living room floor with a pounding headache sick to his stomach made up for it. It also helped that I seemed to have 'lost' the Advil so he had to suffer through the day with a migraine. Maybe that was a bitchy move but he deserved it.

But John isn't usually like that. He's a good friend, a really good friend. You can tell him anything and he'll know just what to say or even what not to say. He has this natural ability to just know what people need and that seems to draw everyone to him. I feel bad for the people that don't know him because he's that person that everyone needs in their lives at some point. I love him. That's the first time I've said, or well in this case written, it in all seriousness. He tells me he loves me all the time and maybe that seems weird because we're 'friends', but I did say we aren't 'normal'. Every time he says he loves me, I just give a sarcastic remark or shrug it off, but he knows I love him back. I don't know why I have such a hard time admitting it to John. There's another great mystery of the world. Get working on the answer to that one, Mr. Einstein!

John is special to me. I'd risk my life to save him honestly. He's been the only constant in my life these last few years and I can never thank him enough for all he's done for me. Sometimes, I feel like I don't tell him how much he means to me or how much he's done for me enough times. But oddly, I feel like he just knows. It's in the way he sends me smiles or squeezes my hand or how he'll call me exactly at the moment that I'm starting to feel stressed or sad. I swear that kid is psychic or something. He's a friend, he's family, he's just everything. Maybe I shouldn't let him read this. If he reads that he'll never let me live it down. I can just imagine that obnoxious smirk he'll be wearing as he reads those words. Yeah, this is definitely off limits to him.

The moment I realized just how important he was to me was just over a year ago.

He woke me up at three in the morning. At first, I didn't know it was him and I had been sleeping ever so attractively, with my body sprawled across my bed and snores coming out of my mouth, but I was out cold. Taps on the window had woken me up.

tap

tap

tap

tap

Eventually, the insistent noise woke me up and after practically falling off my bed, I staggered over to my window and peeked out the curtains, only to be met with John's smug smile. Let me tell you, I wanted to throw those rocks at him and aim for that face of his.

"What the hell do you want John?" I hissed, sending him a dark glare.

"Well, good morning to you too sleeping beauty."

"Don't test me right now. The sun isn't even out yet and you're waking me up. Do you have a death wish?"

"I want to take you somewhere."

"Are you out of your mind?" I asked him. Not wanting a legitimate answer, I continued. "Wait, I can answer that; yes, you are! You are certifiably crazy and need to be admitted to a psych ward and tested for some mental malfunction!"

His laugh echoed up to me and I cursed myself as it sent tingles up my spine, even in my tired and irritated state.

"Don't be so dramatic, Pebbles. Just get dressed and meet me down here."

John has called me pebbles since the first year we met. When I was younger, I used to collect pebbles. Well not just random ones; just the bright colored ones or the ones that had sparkles on them. It was a weird hobby, I know. One day when we were looking through my shed for the pool skimmer, John found it and ever since, the nickname 'pebbles' stuck. He's a weird person, Journal, let me tell you. Anyway, I spent a good few minutes arguing with John.

"Not gonna happen."

"Pebs-"

"No, John. I'm tired, I have a test in the morning and you, well you need to just get some medical help."

"Noelle Marie Kingston, you have five minutes to get your butt down here before I come up there and throw you out the window."

I snorted, "Good luck with that Tarzan."

He sighed, "Please, Noelle. Humor me. Just come with me; I promise you won't regret it."

"Oh, somehow I doubt that."

I could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke next, "Is that a yes?"

I debated for a few more seconds, more for the amusement of watching John look worried that I'd actually turn him down. I knew from the moment he said 'I want to show you something' I'd end up giving into him. John just had that kind of effect on me - hell, he had that kind of effect on everyone. He was the almighty John Ohh, great poetic extraordinaire of the decade - or as I prefer to say, the drunk idiot who knows how to word things write to make them sound deep and meaningful.

"Alright, I'll come."

"Yes!" He shouted, but then quieted down when I shushed him quickly. The last thing I needed was for my neighbors to wake up and chase him off the yard with pitch forks and torches.

"Just, give me a few minutes to get ready."

"That was easier than I thought."

"What?"

"I was prepared to beg and grovel. I even have chocolate in the car to bribe you with."

"You're not a creepy pedophile or anything," I smirked. He rolled his eyes but smirked back at me none the less.

"You're older than eighteen; it doesn't count as being a pedo anymore. Now stop stalling and get the fuck down here."

"Just for that, I'm gonna take my sweet, sweet time."

"Like you weren't going to anyway?"

"Well I was, but for your benefit I wasn't going to say anything."

"Just go get ready."

"Then go away and stop distracting me."

"You're real bitchy in the morning."

"This isn't the morning John. It's the middle of the fucking night."

He pointed towards the rising sun. "It's the morning."

I glared. "I don't have to come with you."

He raised his hands up and took a few steps back, sending me a faux innocent look.

I didn't even bother to turn my light on as I get ready. I thew my hair up into a bun, put in my glasses (because I was too lazy to struggle with my contacts), slid a pair of skinny jeans on, a plain black v-neck and my warn-out, red TOMS and declared myself ready. On the way out I grabbed John's old ASU sweatshirt, or should I say my ASU sweatshirt since I stole it from him. John was leaning against his truck when I got outside. I closed my front door as quietly as possible and headed towards him, where he was waiting with a huge, cheesy grin.

"Alright, Mr. Adventure, where's the chocolate?"

He smiled at me as I approached him, his frame leaning against the side of his car with his arms crossed. "What?"

"Well you didn't actually think I'd come with you without you letting me have some of the chocolate. I need the sugar to wake me up."

His hands slid around my waist, pulling me into his frame. My hands instinctively landed on his chest and I looked up at him through my eyelashes. I could never get enough of looking at him, as creepy as that sounded. With our weird relationship, I can openly admit that I thought John was attractive. And believe me, he has no trouble saying the same for me.

"I could give you some sugar if that's really what you want," he mumbled, his lips lightly pressing against my cheek. I smiled and shook my head but leaned in further, enjoying the warmth his body was giving off in the cold, Arizona morning. I relished in the moment for a few seconds before pulling back, smirking up at him as his eyes focused on mine.

"I don't think so, Casanova," I whispered against his ear, biting back a smile.

He laughed and slid his arms all the way around my waist, hugging me tightly to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. I could feel his shoulders slump as he relaxed in my arms and I savored this quiet moment, wrapped up in his arms as the birds and crickets music mixed together, the sun rising around us.

Eventually, John gave in and handed me the two Hershey almond chocolate bars he brought. It took him a lot of coaxing to get me to climb into his death trap of a truck, but when he held up a Snickers bar I couldn't say no. Make no comments Journal. I'm a girl, I love my chocolate okay?

"What are we doing here?" I asked, looking around the eerie building that John had driven to. "Scratch that, where are we?"

John came around his truck and grabbed my hand, squeezing it gently and pulling me forward. "Just trust me, okay?"

"Last time you told me to trust you, we ended up in jail."

"Yeah, mall jail," he snorted, laughing at the glare I sent him.

"It was still jail, John. You got me arrested."

"So you can scratch 'get arrested' off your bucket list. You're welcome."

"You're stupid."

"Good come back, Pebbles."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't. In fact you love me," he taunted, dragging out the 'o' in love. He stopped walking and turned to me, pulling me against his chest and burying his face in my neck.

"Whatever helps you sleep at night," I mumbled.

I suddenly yelped as his teeth bit down on my neck, gentle enough not to break skin or cause any real harm, but hard enough that it surprised me and sent a jolt through my body. I pushed against his chest and glared as he stumbled back, laughing.

"What are you, Edward Cullen? Keep your fangs to yourself."

Before I could even think of running, John had me back in his arms, placing feather-light kisses against the bite mark.

"Be nice and I won't have to reprimand you."

"Whatever you say, Daddy."

A rumble sounded deep in his throat and he glided his nose up along my throat, breathing into the sensitive space just behind my ear, goosebumps breaking out over my skin. "I like when you call me, Daddy." I couldn't help it; the laugh just flew out of my mouth so loud, it ruined the peaceful silence of the woods surrounding us. I could feel John smile into my neck as he began chuckling too, our bodies shaking together. When we managed to calm down, John pulled back slowly and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Better?" I nodded my head and rolled my eyes when I saw his eyes smirk at my neck; he definitely left a mark.

"So, what are we doing here?"

"Come on," he urged, lacing his fingers with mine, pulling me forward.

Instead of heading towards the old building like I expected, John had pulled me towards the woods and through an old trail. It was slightly over grown but you could see that it had been used quite a bit over the years. It felt like we had been walking for ages – which I was sure to remind John of...everyone 5 minutes – before another building appeared, this one very small, and more like a shed or a cabin.

"What is this place?"

"Just wait, Pebbles. I can't describe it, you just need to see it for yourself."

He walked up to the door and surprised me by pulling a key out of his back pocket, unlocking the giant chain cross-crossing the door. John sent me a smile and a knowing look before pushing open the rickety door, an eerie creak echoing through the silent woods around us. At first, I couldn't see anything at all. It looked empty actually so I didn't understand. But then John pulled me in and flicked on a switch on the wall and the entire place lit up.

I was speechless. And that never happened. But there were no words to describe what I was seeing.

Wall to wall, ceiling to floor, the entire cabin was filled with shining lanterns, hanging lights, and glasses vases that all illuminated the entire place. The words beautiful ad magical come to mind as I took in the entire place, but even those words failed to compare. Along the walls hung lanterns each different from another, like human fingerprints. All the patterns and colors were different, some with symmetrical shapes, some with floral patterns, some round, some oval and some just warped looking. Some of them were moving, spinning, their patterns bouncing off the four walls as they moved. There were hundreds hanging from the ceiling, each one being supported by a different chain; different in length, color, and size. There were some sitting on the floor and some on little cabinets that had been put in here. There had to be at least a thousand. Looking over at John, I paused as I watched his eyes take in the room, a smile on his lips, the light from everything illuminating his face and showing all of his freckles.

"What..." Once again, no words.

John smiled at me and stepped further into the room, pulling me along with him since her fingers were still intertwined.

"A few years ago my grandpa showed me this place. I used to come here all of the time and just study the lights and I still do sometimes when I'm home and if I have time. I almost forgot about this place this over the last year or two though. With touring and everything, I just...forgot," he shrugged, looking around. "Then the other day, I was looking for this old lyric book I used to write in when I was like fifteen and I found the key to that lock. It took me a while to remember what it was for but then it just kind of hit me a few nights ago."

"John, this is...I don't even know. Fucking amazing seems right but not enough."

He laughed and nodded, agreeing. For the next hour, he pulled me around the place, showing me each and every light and lantern. Some of them were hanging from the highest part of the ceiling and blocked by a bunch of others, so he just pointed to them as best as he could. But it didn't matter. Because I could just guess how amazing the unseen ones were by the ones I could see.

"Who else knows about this place?" I asked. After walking around for a while, John and I laid down on the cold, wood floor, staring up at all the lights.

"Just me, you, and Ted."

"Ted?"

"He owns this land. This cabin lies just on the boundary between his and the state's, but it just ends on his side so he owns it. I've seen him a few times over the years. He comes here to take care of the place every day and make sure everything is safe and sound. When my grandpa showed me this place, he said that he became good friends with Ted after coming here so often and running into each other. That's why Ted gave him a key."

"Why is this here then? Did Ted put all the lights here?"

John nods, "Ted told my gramps that his wife loved them so over the course of their 60 year marriage, he bought her all of these."

"Wow, that's amazing."

"Yeah, and when she died, he couldn't stand seeing them all over the house anymore but he'd never get rid of them so he put them all in here. They're still safe and in perfect condition, it's just easier for him not to be surrounded by them twenty-four seven."

"This place doesn't seem real."

"I know. I was completely blown away when I first saw it. It looks like something from a fairytale or some shit right?"

"Most definitely. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in my entire life."

"Second most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I looked over at John to ask him what the first most beautiful thing he's ever seen was only to find him already staring at me. He smirked at me as realization crossed my face and I laughed, turning red, smacking him in the chest with the back of me hand.

"That was disgustingly corny, John Ohh."

He chuckled and grabbed my hand with his, kissing the back of it.

"And yet, so true."

I didn't say anything else, just nodded and looked around.

"Why are you showing me this, John?"

He answers immediately. "This place was special to my grandpa so it became special to me. You're also special to me and I'd knew that you would respect the secrecy of this place, Pebs. It's part of my life, so are you, and now it's part of your life."

I'll never forget that night or those lights. We go visit that place every once and a while still. Just us. I've never told anyone about it and neither has John. We probably never will either. Ted says he's going to leave it to us in his will. I'm pretty excited about that. Okay, that sounds horrible. I don't want him to die, obviously. But just knowing that all those amazing lights will be ours is crazy. Sometimes when John and I get there and Ted is already there, he shows us how he takes care of them so when he leaves, we'll know how to handle it all. And he likes to tell us the stories behind certain ones. Even to this day, I have no words to describe any of it.

I guess what I'm trying to do by writing all this stuff down is to just remind myself that not all things have answers. Not everything can be explained and that's okay because who would want to live in a world where there's no mystery? Personally, I wouldn't.

I want to be able to look back at all these pointless words and take one thing away from all of this. Not that I can finally admit that I love John or that I can bask in the thought of one day owning all those lights. It's not even to be able to remember those moments (though I can swear on my life I will never forget a single thing John and I have shared).

Life, it's just a constant struggle. Good days, bad days. It all just happens. John said that. He's always speaking so cryptically. It used to annoy me - well actually, I don't think it ever did. I used to act annoyed, but I always love when he says poetic things. Lame, I know. There's another reason John's eyes will never read these words!

Speaking of John, he's here. It's pretty normal for us to just walk into each other's houses whenever we want, unannounced, hence the reason he's standing in my door wearing that beanie that I love on him, urging me to 'get the fuck up and get dressed'. He says he wants to go do something so I need to 'put that shit away', no offense diary, I don't think he's tying to be mean or anything. Or maybe he is, I don't know, he's John. And I like that. I like that I don't know everything there is to know about him. I like that I don't know where he wants to go or what I'll be doing or tomorrow or if the world really is going to end on December 21, 2012.

Either way, it doesn't matter. Because I'm going to keep living my life how I want and it's as simple as that.

Love, Noelle



P.S. Clearly John is stupid. I leave you alone for five minutes and he goes gangster. Don't worry though, he says he won't read anything I don't want him to read nor would be make fun of anything I write. Somehow I don't think he'd he saying that if he knew how mushy I got.

P.P.S. This turned out to be more fun than I thought. Okay, I really have to go now. He's sending me a dirty look because I said I was brushing my teeth but he caught me writing again. Bye!

P.P.P.S. One last thing. I told John what I'm about to write so he won't yell at me. It's his own words but since I'm gonna end up going back and reading this all in the future, I want to remember what he said to me not too long ago (once again, not that I'll forget but still) because it kind of just stuck with me so here it is:

I fear that I sometimes don't have the courage or strength to take chances. There is so much that I want to do, and so much that I want to say. I think I worry too much about outcomes I project in my mind. I know it sounds like none of this makes sense, but it does. Optimism will help me take those chances. If I let my fears subside, the possibilities are endless. Ultimately what I'm saying is don't be afraid of the unknown. Embrace it. You are your experiences. I don't know where this is heading. I guess that's life...the great unknown.

Love, Noelle and John.