X-Kid

I reread the lyrics Gerard had supposedly written about me again and again and still, I couldn’t understand. I felt stupid. I felt like the biggest joke to him and I wasn’t even sure why I was feeling that way if I didn’t understand what he was trying to get out. Maybe it was only that misunderstanding that had me feeling that way. I jumped and dropped my phone as Gerard walked into the room, thankful when it rolled over on the floor to reveal its screen was still intact. He laughed before he picked it up, handing it to me whilst seemingly purposely grazing his thumb against mine. This was crazy, I tried to tell myself. I was seeing into things too much. Maybe the song was simply a song and had little meaning behind it. Maybe he’d lied. Maybe it was nothing at all.

“What’s your problem?” Gerard asked after a moment, still just standing there in his lounge room like he had nothing better to be doing.

“Excuse me?”

“You look pissed off. All I did was hand you your phone after you decided to throw it on the floor.”

“I didn’t throw it! You shocked me when you walked in!”

“Whatever.” There was a long pause as I tried to calm down, not wanting Gerard to be right, and he came to realise that he was. He sat down beside me, a little closer than he perhaps should have, and a long sigh escaped his lips. “So, what’s wrong?”

“Forget it. I’m here because Frank thinks for some absurd reason I can help you with your problems. I’m not here for you to listen to mine.”

“You’re here because Frank thinks I’m suicidal but can’t spare so much time to make sure I’m okay,” Gerard said, shrugging his shoulders as my eyes widened a little in shock. I hadn’t realised he’d slipped so far. I had to wonder why. I had to wonder how.

“Are you?” He didn’t answer, but that seemed to be enough.

“So what’s wrong? I really want to know. I want something else to focus on…” I hesitated for a moment but I knew I had to let it out. I was better letting it out when he was asking for it as opposed to when he wasn’t interested.

“Your lyrics. I looked them up and I don’t… I don’t get it.” The corner of his lip twitched into a tiny smile and he moved a little closer.

“I know you don’t want me to bring this up but I know you remember what we were. I mean, if we were anything at all. I know you remember whatever that was and I know you remember how it ended. It’s… my way of dealing with why.”

“Can you explain it to me? Because I never got that from you. I never got anything from you.” I ignored the tears welling in my eyes. It wasn’t often I dared to think about the subject so closely and Gerard was the one bringing it up. It was too much. It still felt like only yesterday.

“Listen, I’m sorry for bringing it up in such a way. I was hoping you’d ask what I was singing to. I find it hard to be this clear. To be this honest. But I want to tell you. I want for you to understand.”

“Well, try.” He ran his hair through his hair. “It hurts to think about how we once got along and now there’s too much hurt, and angst, and attitude in the way to allow us to even be friendly.”

“I was letting out in that song about the many ways that the world is ugly. I liked this girl – I mean, I really fucking liked you. But the world was against it. The world is too fucking ugly. All I could imagine was what the press would have to say about the lead singer of that dumb emo band dating a teenager. I imagined how you’d deal with my drinking and being away. I guess the defining factor in it all was that you were flying to live oceans away. I can’t do distance. Not like that. I need a certain closeness. We never had that but I imagined we might, one day, and not being able to imagine that anymore hurt like nothing other. I didn’t mean to leave it like I did but I didn’t know what else to do. The truth hurts just as bad. I should never have got involved with you in the first place. I knew that.”

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to react. I finally knew his reasons and he was right; it hurt all the same.

---

I’d spent the afternoon in Gerard’s spare room staring at the walls and occasionally out the window to gage the time. Once the sun had set though, it was anyone’s best guess. I knew I had to simply get over it. I knew it would be hard, but I also knew that it was 3 years ago now. Gerard seemed to have hurt over it just as bad and he’d got over it. I was sure he’d seen other people in the meantime; I’d seen the pictures of him sucking face in the press. A knock at the door took me away from those memories.

I got up from the bed and took a deep breath. This was it. I opened the door to Gerard, a plate of chicken and rice in one hand, and I smiled. I knew what I could do for Gerard now that no one else could. Frank had known all along.

“I forgive you.”