Even the Devil Wouldn't Recognize You

Usually the most important chapter of any book is the last one. It's where all hell breaks loose, it comes to a hault, everything is wrapped up. NOPE. NOT. this. one. THIS one is the most important. This is pretty much why everything happens for a reason.

Flash back to not 9th grade, not 10th grade, but the summer of 9th. During the summer, my ex-best friend wasn't his same self. Wouldn't talk, never looked happy, very anti-social. Something was wrong, VERY VERY wrong. I was instantly worried.

"What's wrong?" I had asked. "Nothing" he said. Nothing, that's all he ever said. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Not even a "don't worry about it". Whenever something's in his way, it's always never nothing. I can tell when he's down. "You can just tell me". "Nothing". Just like that.

One day, it set off my radar. I couldn't take it. I couldn't take him acting this sad. He was changing. I didn't like this. "Ok listen, you need to tell me what the fuck is wrong with you. I'm tired of you saying nothing, nothing, nothing. It's not getting us anywhere. I'm your best friend right? Then tell me what's wrong."

Something was off. The minute I uttered "best friend", he just turned his face. I said "What? Is there something you aren't telling me?". After awhile, we even stopped talking on Facebook too. I'd message, no responses. If any, they came in late. "Can you hang out?" "Sorry, I don't do phones." He used to LOVE calling me. Anything to catch up.

"Oovoo?" "Hey listen, I only text". Oh so was he too busy now? Something was just KILLING me about all of this. I went onto Facebook after a while and what do I see. Floads and floads and FLOADS of pictures with him and guess which girl he's with? The Internet troll. The comments? "Best friend" "I love you best friend" "Bestie".

I felt used. He said he didn't "have time for me", yet he always had time for her. It set me off. Pictures of them going places. And in his pictures, all I see is of him going to parties, trying to act cool. It's like my childhood was drained down the toilet.

I had it. I picked up the phone and called. Surprisingly, he answered.

"Hey" I said.
"What's up?"
"Okay what's up. You're never there for me. When I ask you what's wrong you don't speak it-
"I'll tell you another time"- He interjected.
"Tell me another time?"
"Yeah, I mean I already told-
"Oh yeah, I know already"
"How?"
"I saw pictures, the comments...
"Oooh"
"So, we're not best friends anymore?"
"Well..."
"You've got to be kidding. After all I've done for you, after everything we've been through, and suddenly I'm replaced. Just like that. She's done nothing bad to you. Hacked your account, gets into pointless arguments, and she's my fucking enemy. So you do that to me?"
"I mean, I just tell her she's my best friend. Like we're not."
"It doesn't seem like it, you always have time for her. Yet me "oh I'm busy".
"Um, like... I think of everyone the same like...
"Ok"
"I mean like I'll tell you later later"
"No, tell me now"
"I'll just text it to you"
"You told her? Why can't you tell me?"
"Welll..."

I hung up the phone. I was so hurt. So now she's his best friend AND she knows everything about him, yet I don't? This was probably some sick joke. Hold on a second, phone rang.

"I'm bisexual"- That was the text from my phone.

This didn't surprise me. One time we went to my friend's pool party and while the girls were playing volleyball, it was just him and I in the swimming pool. "Just take off your shorts" he said. "Um, excuse me?". I felt uncomfortable. "Just take them off." "You're kidding right?". He wouldn't leave me alone about that. To this day that still creeped me out.

"Um... this is gonna sound weird... but can I see like your... penis" He said right after. I felt odd. Not even as crazy as one day.

"Is anyone home?" He asked my one friend. "Nope, coast is clear" he said. I was at my friend's house with my ex-best friend. I was sitting on a couch opposite of them.

"We should masturbate". "Um, excuse me?". "Yeah you know like...". "Um, I don't think so." "Come on do it". My friend and I exchanged weird glances. Something was definitely wrong.

My ex-friend zipped down his pants, underwear bare as day. He removed his underwear, slowly. Inch by inch. I kept looking away, but as I opened my eyes, I was caught at the wrong time. There it was, his erect penis. Head covered with foreskin, veiny, and bumpy. He took his right hand and started shifting it, back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. I turned away. I was HORRIFIED. My friend looked worried. We wanted him to leave.

"Alright, your turn" he told my friend. My friend looked like he saw a ghost. He was repulsed. "Um, how about a game of karaoke?". Oh I loved my friend. He was so innocent. "We're not 5". So my ex-friend looked at his crotch area. "Okay, just take them down". I can tell my friend was peer pressured and not enjoying this. As he moved his pants, he was met with disgust. He felt cold. It was like he was getting raped.

"Okay, just remove your underwear". He complied. I had to turn away again. Then, the unexplainable happened. My already partially nude friend takes his hand off his penis and puts it on my friend's. He taps my friend's penis on his stomach, making it erect. He shifts his friend's foreskin up and down, up and down. My friend is caught by terror and disgust. My face was in awe. I felt cold.

Then, as if it couldn't get worse. My ex-friend's head got close to my friend's crotch area. That's it. He did what you think. Shifted his penis up and down and sucked my friend's penis whole. Head bopping up and down. He came up for a break and a "popping" sound was heard. It was the grossest thing I've watched in my life.

While this happened, my ex-friend was jerking himself off. Don't be fooled, my clothes were all on. Then, the worst happened. "Go get some lotion. And tissues". So my friend walked half-nude, going to his bathroom to retrieve the supplies. My ex-friend lubed himself and was moaning. "oooh, hmm." "ooh, hmm". After a while, he said "sorry guys, I think I might cum right now. It feels really, reaaalyy good." He said in the most relaxed voice. It was the most frightening thing I heard.

He climaxed. The semen went flying up in the air, even some landed on the couch. Why didn't I look away? It was like watching a train wreck. I almost had to do a double take.

"Alright, your turn". "Ohhh no, no no no no, I'm not doing that" I sounded desperate for a no. "Come on, come on". I felt pressured. Like I felt, I'd be a pussy if I didn't do it. He'd probably tease me for it. So being the dumb teenager I was "I'll sit by you, but that's it."

"Okay, now just...". I sat there cold. What the hell was I doing? He put his hands near my crotch. "Hey hey heey,, whaaa, whaaat are you doing?". "Just.. helping you". He unzipped my zipper, took off my pants, underwear. "I'm, I'm... I can't do this". I felt hopeless.

At the same time I drew this morbid curiosity. It was already this far into it. I wanted to get it over with. I closed my eyes. I couldn't take it. It was too much.

I felt a tickle. It was a weird feeling. I knew I was getting received. My penis felt wet, like... almost like, not the typical kind. "Ok ok ok ok stop". As he came back, I think I startled him. It hurt a little. My penis felt weird after that. "Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god". I had to go to the bathroom. I felt like I wanted to cry.

I washed up and looked at myself in the mirror. What did I turn into? I lost my innocence. After that happened, we all talked.

"So what's wrong?" "Nothing." Yes, you're hearing this right, the happy to nice ratio was off balance. "Oh it's probably her. It's probably her. It's probably her-

"It is so FUCKING annoying how you keep saying it's her, her, her, her. Yeah, me and her are best friends, not you, deal with it. Like I have a lot of shit going on and you keep bugging me. Wanna know what's bothering me? How I went to my school and not yours. Yes, that's right. My own fucking fault. You and your friend see each other everyday and how does that make me feel? Oh and being half gay. You think it's something I can just TELL them? Um, no I fucking can't. And yes I've changed, because no one likes the little nice kid. I'm not going to be walked all over. So yes, in a way, I've hung out with people and not you. You keep saying I've changed, changed, changed, if anything my girlfriend (as a friend) is a better friend than you. She supports my new image. She likes that you're not really around anymore. So yeah, if you don't like it, then fuck off."

And this was the same kid that said "Hey, want some Rice Krispies?".

When I went home from that day, I thought it was all just a dream. My friend from school that talks to him mostly messaged me. "Hey". "Hey what's up?". "Going to downtown without him this weekend, it's gonna be so great, telling me what to do and not." That's it, I cried. Yes, "I" cried. Tear after tear rolled down my face. I kept telling myself it wasn't real but the pain was. The pain was real. I kept crying and crying and crying and crying. Non. stop.

After this happened, I called. Nothing. Called again, nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Day after day, text message, no? So I talked to my one friend again. "Yeah, he doesn't like you and doesn't want anything to do with you". I wasn't myself. I was beside myself. Everyone told me he hated me. One day I finally messaged him.

"Hey, so like are we not friends?" He responded. "Well, it wasn't that hard to figure out to be honest. And well, I don't appreciate being told not to be my party image.". Months and months, no word. Not even my friends hung out with him anymore. He was busy, busy, busy.

Then on Facebook I see all these pictures, him at the parties, everything really. Saying "yeah my bro". I felt like I wanted to punch the screen. These aren't his REAL friends. They're just using him. And they're not his "bros", he barely knows them and is doing this to get back at me. "Oh my best friend. Love you BFFL". My enemy, I fucking hated her.

My phone went off at 3pm. Online she messaged me. "Pick up the phone." "Why?" "So you can leave my friend alone, I'm tired of it, he wants nothing to do with you. Um excuse me? Yeah you were talking to him or trying to? Stay out of it. He's my best friend, not yours." I. WANTED. TO. FUCKING. KILL. HER.

I just said "ok" and left. Of course she asked the occasion "Oh are you mad?". I left it alone. The next 6 months were the hardest. My friends mentioned his name everywhere, on how much they missed him, how he'd respond to their texts. No calls though.

One night, I was in my kitchen and having all these horrible thoughts grow in my mind. I eyed my knife. I wanted to cut myself so bad. I wanted my life over. It felt missing. I hated it. I told myself DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! The flashbacks were terrible. I didn't though, but I couldn't sleep.

Every night, no sleep. I didn't talk. Even my parents knew something was wrong "is everything ok?". I didn't tell them. One night, I caved in and told them.

After telling them what happened (not the gay stuff but him being half gay). "He's not worth your time. If he left you, that's his problem, not yours. You don't deserve to throw yourself like that." I felt like saying "how dare you?"

After all of this happened, I just wanted to collapse and die. My friends knew I had suicidal thoughts.

Now flashback to about near-mid December in winter break. My pain, my struggles, they were gone. I felt emancipated. But all thanks to the person that made the most impact in my life. Something that made me FEEL. In the next chapter, you'll know how I went from almost suicidal to making sure I lived every night like it was my last.