Even the Devil Wouldn't Recognize You

Dear Lord,

Can you just make this pain go away? What did I have to do to deserve this? Can I just end it all now. Now while "he's" having a great time, without me, I'm stuck, miserable and waiting. Yeah, that's right. They probably all love him. Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't deserve this. I mean, at least I think I don't.

Dear Lord,

I'm still waiting for you to help me out of this. I mean I'm not asking you, but God, this is horrible. This is the worst pain I've felt. You have no idea, well... you're the Lord, you have an idea, but this is the worst thing I've gone through. Please. I know I haven't prayed in a while, I know I haven't been that good Christian kid. I know I've sinned. I know it's like I almost gave up on you, even when I didn't.

Dear Lord,

This is my last speck of hope. If you can hear me, if you can sense me, please, just please let me get by this. Clearly you know what you're doing, and I shouldn't judge, but I've waited. Everything's gone downhill. Things are getting worse. Alright, if you don't respond, I kind of deserved it. Well, not this much pain. God... I really don't know. I just wish I could get through this.

Every few days in between, I'd pray to the lord. You wanna know what's funny? I used to scoff at the people that were so into religion. I was never embarrassed of being in God, but not bold enough to say "hey, he's my savior". I've never been the one to pray. I felt like it was humiliating. But who else could I talk to? My parents think it's the easiest thing in the one to deal with, I've lost all my friends, and I practically wanna kill myself. God was my only choice.

It was the start of high school, yadayadayada, you know the drill. Sophomore year, rode the bus with my grammar buddy to and fro, made some (not new friends?) at lunch. Same old routine. It was same ol' same ol'. School was beginning to become one of those things where it was just a chore. No real reason to show up. Same old shitty lunchroom, same people. I could just hang with them elsewhere.

A few months in, already I'm struggling in a subject: Chemistry. Boy did I despise it. All these chemical equations and labs. Fortunately, my history buddy from last year was my lab parter so we could elaborate on things and joke around, so it was all good, but something just felt missing.

"If you fool around one more time, I will have to take you out of the lab" my teacher had already warned a student. Damn, I thought. Third week already. He seemed like the jokester, troublemaker type, but moving on. Same ol', same ol' really.

I went to my locker after third person (since I had fourth period lunch), nothing too special, yet again. See the kid that tampered with the labs, didn't really say much. He noticed my presence but nothing too substantial. Chem, chem, chem, was all that was in my head. That and well.. you know... stupid friendships.

Next morning my friend, along with my grammar school buddy said "hey, let's go to the lunchroom". I was really hesitant but hey, they were going. Might as well follow their lead. We sat down and for some crazy reason... that spark we had as friends... gone. The jokes got tired, my friend (not grammar school one) just tried too hard to be funny, at times could be a bit bitchy, and I just felt really uncomfortable. Fuck! This chem homework needs to get done. But who had the same teacher?

Meh, I decided to ask the kid I saw after third. It would get me away from this deep shits for awhile. "You do the chem?" "Yeah." He let me copy his homework. Detail-by-detail, answer-for-answer, this guy knew what he was doing. "Alright thanks". I copied it down, handed it back to him, that was the end of it.

I returned back to the table in the lunchroom. "Where'd you go? Ditchin' us?" my annoying friend said. "No, just getting homework." In a way, I wanted to get away from them but at the same time, it actually felt nice to sit over there. Quiet, no distractions, I could do my homework. Finally someone else besides my grammar school friend that was my own gender. But what would they think if I left them? Or what would my chem homework guru thought if I just sat there?

The next morning, I decided to walk with my friends, sit with them for a little, then you know the drill. "Did you get answer #3?". "No, can I see it?". "Alright." He copied it down. "Need me to explain it?" "Yes, please". I explained it to him step by step. Wait a second, when was I ever this much into homework? When did I care so much?

My morning classes had ran its course. I saw something interesting. Each class, all the guys would do some sort of handshake. I thought it was a little queer, but hey, I guess it's a "bro" thing. I admit, I kinda wanted to try this. But not with just anyone. If it was supposed to be a "bro" thing, then I wanted this to be with a "bro".

Third period had ended, time for a locker break. I saw the kid again. I stuck out my hand and boom! It was a handshake. It didn't feel weird... How did it not?

After a few awkward weeks of just standing like a dingbat, monotonous in structure, popping chem questions, I decided one time if I just stood there. How I'd be like.

"Hey what's up" "Hey" "Oh my God, did you see the Tampon video dude?" "Noo, I heard that shit was crazy" "She just like says "okay one second" and then you see her hand just reach down and you're like what the fuck?". A roar of laughter spread like a tide. It wasn't fake laughing, it was real.

Then we sometimes saw each other after the evenings, our conversations were no longer school related. We just bonded as friends. We talked about anything, we cracked jokes, we kinda learned on our background history.

"Hey, mind if I go to your locker quick, I don't mind waiting?". I just figured out something. He became like my best guy friend. I don't ever go to anyone's locker, since when did I give two shits about homework, since when did I ever give two shits about where someone came from? Why did I feel this happy, and carefree, and funny?

Clearly my friend didn't think too fondly of it. "Hey". "Nope, you can't hear our joke, you've been ditching us lately." "That's only to get homework." "No wonder you're failing". That's weird. So my friend told me I should give her "space", I give her some, and now apparently I'm not "available enough".

"Hey wait by my locker. You still have time." "Sorry, can't". "You haven't been around us lately". "Well, I'm just giving you what you need". I went to visit my chem buddy's locker after school. No, not chem buddy. My good friend. My good friend's locker.

I could tell my friend was getting jealous because of this. On random days when I'd be online, she'd just message me, same as old times, trying to make me laugh. Nope, sorry. Isn't going to happen. Well, not only because of this, but of what she said.

Remember all that stress I battled with friendships? You wanna hear her reply? "Notice how they're only different to YOU, and they're nicer to everyone else. That's because you called all the drama." Of course after a while, she started apologizing, writing letters on post it notes and sticking it in my locker socket, but you know what.. I didn't need her. I had a new good friend. Someone I could talk to, and they'd be happy to see me. Someone I could be myself around. I liked this. I liked this a lot.

Well, I'm at this point in my life where I can't really update more because this is the most recent update of everything so far. For now, God, if you're reading this, which you probably are, I finally understand why I'm not friends with my friends anymore, because you gave me someone so much better. And dude, if one day I let you read this really embarrassing chapter about you, or even the one about how to write a birthday letter, you can laugh all you want, but you are seriously what's keeping me together. Thanks for everything, brother.