Welcome to Paradise

After we got home from the Park me and Billie collapsed on the couch together, almost like this morning had never happened. Almost.

"Laney..."

I looked at the carpet. There was a stain there, I would have to clean that up later.

"Alana..."

I studied my swollen feet, they ached from all the walking and the water building up from the baby.

"Alana, look at me," he finally said.

It wasn't harsh, but it also told me that if I didn't, he'd be mad at me and I didn't want that. So I looked up, but not into those jade eyes. If I did I'd melt or cry. So instead I stared at his strong jaw line, it was curved but hard and defining.

"I'm sorry," he said, after struggling for a moment, "I don't really want to leave you. But.. If you want, we can stay until the baby's born, then I'll go. If it makes you happy."

Then what? Make him feel guilty about leaving his newborn baby all alone with no father for the rest of the year? Then pop back in after tours over, spend a few hours with him, then lock himself up in our room to start on a new album, then restart the loop? How long would it be until no more albums come? Five years old? Ten? Sixteen?

I was making myself angry at him, no, the thoughts I was thinking about him were making me mad.

"No. Billie... I.. We didn't think anything through... We just.." I trailed off, trying to find my words. "Billie, we were just two horny young adults in a venue enjoying music, then the next thing I know you're telling me it was just a one time thing. I wake up on a tour bus with you right beside me, telling me you love me, that the worlds ours to take. Then comes the baby, now were engaged." I stopped a moment.

"The band is so new, and everyone loves you. You guys have years ahead of you, years full of music and fans and everything you'd ever want. Maybe... Maybe now wasn't the right time to fall in love..." Even as I said it I knew it was true, and the tears started flowing down my cheeks.

He cleared his throat, fighting back his own tears. "What are you saying?"

I shook my head, doubling over and crying into my knees, my hands covering my ears. I didn't know what I was saying, I didn't want to hear anything anymore. But I did know what I was saying.

"Laney..." he whispered. "I love you so much."

I sobbed and then looked up, his face distorted from the tears. I wiped them away and looked into his eyes,

"I love you too, but.. Maybe we should... Take a break. The band means so much to you, and you mean so much to me. I'd be lying if I said that it was okay to value the band as much as you do, and that it was completely fine by me. But I'm not going to lie to you, I never have, and I'm not starting now."

The tears were coming down his face now. He didn't say a word. I leaned forward and kissed his cheek, then stood up and went to our room, closing the door softly. I walked over to the dresser and started taking out my clothes, hesitating on the hoodie I'd worn nearly everyday when Billie was gone. It wouldn't hurt... No. I couldn't, wouldn't. I packed up all my things in two duffle bags and sniffled,

"I love you so much Billie Joe..." I whispered to the room.

I opened the door and walked through the kitchen to the living room, he looked up, panic on his face.

"What-" he started.

But I'd put my things down and walked over to him. I placed my hands on either side of his face, tilting it up to me.

"I'll love you forever Billie, there's no doubt about it. But we'll be together again, we'll be a family. But first.. First you have to figure out who you are. Are you Green Day, or are you Billie Joe Armstrong- father, musician, and husband?" I kissed his forehead, then pressed mine to his, eyes closed tight. After a moment I pulled away from him, loosening his grip on me. I picked up my things and opened the door,

"I'll be at Michael's... But you already knew that," I said, half smiling.

Then I left.