Live While We're Young

Bleep....bleep....bleep...

Everything was pitch black. I could see nothing.

Bleep...bleep...bleep...

I couldn't move...my body was restricted...paralysed even...

Bleep...bleep...bleep...

What was that stupid noise? It was getting on my nerves. I tried to open my eyes, but it was as if it was never meant to be and they they were forced shut with heavy loads of something keeping them closed. I had feeling in my hands. I felt a soft pressure on my left one...had no idea what it was though.

Bleep...bleep...bleep...sniff...

Sniff? It sounded as though somebody was crying or something. Who would be sobbing like that? Why? I wanted to open my eyes and turn to see who it was who was sniffing at my bedside. Instead, I was dizzy and weak. I couldn't do anything whatsoever. I heard voices, which broke my train of thought. They were blurred and distorted...distant. I then felt someone shift closer.

'Come on, love. Wake up...you've been out for hours...don't leave me...you can't leave us...' came a low, husky, scared sounding voice. Us? I questioned in my head. Then I realised why I was in the state I was. I'd just had the twins. Darcy and Carson were probably asleep. I wanted to hold my baby boy properly. I wanted to cuddle my baby girl for the first time. In the useless state I was in, I couldn't do anything at all.

Bleep...bleep...bleep...

'I know you can hear me. I just wanted to say that I love you. You are incredible. You are such a fighter, giving birth to two beautiful children. It's taken a lot out of you. I wouldn't blame you if your body just wanted to give up on you...but please, love, please. Don't leave us. You're family needs you. I need you. After all of this, seeing a living reminder of the one I loved everyday...I can't imagine life without you. You can't leave us,' he sobbed. Oh, Harry, I thought. If my body would let me move and open my eyes, I would fall right into your arms and I'd never want to let you go.

There suddenly came a weird noise further down the ward with a lot of rushing. I gathered that Harry's head must have been resting on my hand as I felt a reassuring pressure jerk off my hand.

'wh-what's going on?' he stuttered, sounding alarmed and even more scared. There came no reply, just more rushing.

'I said, what's wrong? What's happening?' he demanded to know.

'It's the girl, Mr Styles,' came the miswife's voice.

'Darcy? What about her?' he panicked. I also paniked at this point too. My heart picked up to a rapid pace, as did the bleeping. I realised the bleeping would have been measuring my heart rate.

'Well, the doctor's just checking now...she's been having a few problems...'

'Problems? What problems?'

'We don't know yet, sir. Stay here with your wife. As Darcy is being monitored, while...Carson, is it?...is asleep, we're going to run a few tests...don't worry. He won't be taken from the ward,' she explained. Harry's grip tightened. Mine would have done, too, if I could move.

'So...Is there anything I can do?'

'Stay and comfort your wife. She needs you. We'll take good care of both mum and babies. Don't worry about it.'

'It's hard not to worry when my wife has just hemhorraged and lost three litres of blood, in a coma and hooked up to life support and been donated blood! Now one of my kids is undergoing bloody tests and my other one, I have no clue what's wrong with her!' he flustered. He was so scared he was going to lose everything.

'We know what's wrong with her,' came a deeper voice.

'What?' Harry jolted. I felt him jump up and drop my hand. He realised what he had done and scooped it back up again. I felt even dizzier.

'Well, it seems as though one of her lungs have faltered. It seems as though that during the pregnancy, she was the least nurtured of the twins and something through labour and delivery caused her already fragile lungs to...almost collapse,' explained the doctor. My heart rate picked up even more, as did the bleeping.

'Why is her heart doing that?' Harry breathed.

'As I said, she can hear everything we say. That's probably her body registering what's happening to the child. Let's not talk of this around her, she needs to be calm...'

I tried with all my might to open my eyes. I fought against every fibre of my being to move, to see my baby girl before she was put in any more danger. Harry sat again. I tried to make myself move but nothing would register. I felt myself twitch. A sign. I could move...slightly. I had to really concentrate...I had to see and help my little girl! I hadn't even held her in my arms yet! She was in danger and her mother wasn't there to protect her! What sort of mum does that make me? I felt myself getting dizzier and felling ever more sick. There were moments where I completely blacked out again and couldn't feel or hear anything.

'Anna, please wake up. I need to know that at least one of my girls are going to be safe...' Harry breathed, shaking when he spoke.

I forced my eyes open. I was dazed. I couldn't think. I felt overwhelmingly sick.

'Harry...' I croaked. He met his tear filled eyes with my unseeing ones before I leaned over the side of the bed and violently threw up. I found that I was hooked up to a heart monitor and life support. I had all sorts of little tubes on me. I hated seeing myself like this. I needed to see my baby.

'Anna?'

'What time is it?'

'About... three am?'

'That's impossible, I gave birth an hour ago...but...'

'It's three am the day after you gave birth.'

'Where are the kids...Where's Darcy?'

'They've taken her in...they have to operate on her or something...'

That must've been said when I had blacked out.

'Wait...how did you know about...'

'I heard everything. They've taken Carson in for some tests, I lost three litres of blood and had to be donated some. Darcy...her lungs...'

'It was the one lung. I collapsed. Almost completely. They said...they said they're not sure if they can save her, but if they can, she might have some breathing difficulties if not everything goes perfectly. Hopefully it will and the most she'll get away with is Asthma. We can go visit her soon, when she's stable. When you're stable.'

'You mean she's already out?'

'They bought her out ten minutes ago but said I couldn't go yet. We can go when you are better.'

'They are not stopping me from seeing my daughter a second longer! And where's Carson?'

'Lying over there, playing with his fists.'

'Have you held him yet?'

'Yeah, but he fell asleep. I put him in the cot thing at the end of the bed.' I saw a tiny pair of fists wave about in the air. I ripped the tape and tubes off of me, causing me to feel quite a bit of pain. I lay my feet on the floor and carefully stood. I felt a huge wave of dizziness wash over me. I steadied myself before walking over to where Carson lay. I smiled down at me. He did an amazing thing. I looked over him and his eyes flickered to me. His tiny body wriggling. He broke out into a gorgeous gummy smile. I saw a little pad on his arm where they must've taken blood tests. I scooped him up in my arms and Harry rushed to my side to see if I was alright holding him.

'I'm fine Harry,' I snapped, knowing he was too over protective. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding him tightly in my arms. 'Hello, Carson. It's mummy! Look! There's daddy too!' Harry had perched himself next to me on the bed and placed his arm around me as I held Carson.

'You perfect mother,' he whispered, kissing me gently on the cheek.

'Nobody's perfect, Harry,' I sighed, hugging Carson tightly into my chest. 'Let's go and see your sister, yeah?' I whispered to him.

'Anna, we're not supposed to-'

'What are you doing up?!' came a panicked voice of the doctor.

'I woke up, I heard about Darcy, I wanted to see my other baby was of good health, and now I want to see if my daughter is going to make it!' I snapped. He looked guilty.

'Mrs Styles, you are not stable-'

'I've walked, I've vomited, I've held my baby. I'm fine now. Just let me see my little girl for the first time since I gave birth to her,' I stung coldly, looking down at Carson with loving eyes. Back at me stared an indecisive pair of eyes, with the colour of mixed greens - light, dark and as if it had been covered over with dew on a leaf. I could tell he'd have Harry's eyes when the colour settled. He was adorable.

'Right this way,' the doctor reluctantly said. Harry and I looked up at him, and he nodded. I cradled Carson in my arms, letting his tiny heart thud against my chest. I let him tighten his grasp on my finger as he made an attempt to suck it.

The doctor led us to a small room with painted walls. One was white, one pink, one blue and one green. It had an incubator with a fragile, sleeping figure in it. You could tell it was having trouble breathing, but at least she was. I stared through the glass of the window. I looked up into Harry's eyes and could've sworn his eyes looked like a direct window to his chest, where you could see his heart cracking. I turned back to her and bit my lip, holding back tears. I kissed Carson's delicate forehead, as if reassuring myself that knowing her brother was healthy, she would be too. I slid my way over to the door and opened it. I walked up to the side of the incubator and looked through the glass. I found she was also awake. I smiled as her eyes turned to us...we were so strange to her, yet in sixteen years, we'd be the faces she would be sick to death of. I pressed a hand to the glass, knowing it would be as close to her as I could possibly get for a while now. I choked back a sob as I looked into those deep eyes.

'I was supposed to stop this from happening...' I whispered.

'How could you have possibly stopped this?' Harry asked. I took a deep breath. I knew I'd have to tell him.

'I knew I would haemorrhage. It's something that's run in the family. I knew that if I gave birth, I would be at risk of losing my life. I am so lucky to be here right now...But I gave birth for the twins. The doctor said that if the condition was life threatening-'

'Which it was,' interrupted Harry.

'-They could have offered me an abortion. I said no. They also offered me a caesarian section, but I declined, because they told me that even though I would be safe, because I have a small uterus with two rapidly growing babies, then it could risk one or both of the twins's health. I stamped that down too. I risked my life to stop something like this from happening...So why is Darcy in here, and not in your arms =, playing just like Carson is in mine?'

'You knew? You knew you could've died?' Harry asked, looking disgusted.

'Don't you dare look at me like that. Would you rather I got rid of the kids?' his face dropped. 'No, I didn't think so.'

'It wasn't your fault. You could never have stopped this. Even if you did die for them.'

'I can't help but feel as though it was partly my fault though...' I looked into those strong, hurt, green eyes and felt a tear slide down my cheek. I looked back down at Darcy to another pair of those beautifully similar eyes. Even though her facial features represented Harry so much, I could soo so much of myself in her. 'She's mine, and I'm not one to give up. Look at me then. You didn't really think I would make it through, but I've made myself stand for these kids. She's strong. I pulled through, even if what I was in was critical, I pulled through. She's got me in her, and she's going to get through it, because I'm going to fight this battle with her. We all are.' I stated, trying to muster some convincing power into my voice. I took Harry's hand and intertwined it with mine. He looked down at me. I nodded and he smiled at how adamant I was at getting through without any more complications.

Carson's blood results came back and he had what I knew he would have. Haemophilia. I was expecting it, though Harry wasn't. I told him how I was expecting it, and he looked ever more hurt. He didn't understand that I never told him this for his own sake.

Darcy was heavily monitored. There were moments when they were almost positive that she was going to make it, only for something to happen that made our expectations crash. It was all a waiting game. I hardly left Darcy's side. Harry and I couldn't get enough of holding Carson for comfort. When the boys visited, Niall was mostly effected by the horrific sight of Darcy hooked up to all of this machinery just to keep her fragile, china doll body alive. In fact, a few tears had leaked from his eyes. I tried to comfort him but the role soon had to reverse, as when the boys could no longer bear to see her like that and they had left with Harry and Carson, I broke down in Niall's arms, crying and saying it was all my fault. He was having none of it. He told me I was being stupid and me reacting like that was no example to set a baby fighting for her life. All I could do was await her cruel fate...