Live While We're Young

I found myself asleep in the room next to Darcy who was still hooked up to a heart monitor and tubes. I was snoozing lightly. The bleeps slowly faded more distantly until they stopped. I thought I must've drifted into a deeper sleep, which was bliss, as I hadn't slept properly in a while. Harry had just left with Carson to see the boys. He needed cheering up after almost losing me and still being so close to losing his little girl. I decided not to go and see the boys. I told him to go and to leave me. Honestly, I just needed space.

It was quiet for a few minutes as I enjoyed blissful sleep. Only thing was, I soon realized I was only snoozing and that I hadn't fallen asleep which had blocked out the sign of my child's heart beating. I was met with the sound of the door banging open, which made me jump, and several doctors and nurses come sweeping in and rushing over to my baby. Dazed, I looked around. I didn't register anything that was happening....until...

The little green line on the heart monitor had gone flat.

I let out a gasp of horror as tears stung my eyes. I stumbled and forced my unresponsive body to clamber over every obstacle in my way to get to Darcy. They started sending electric currents into her body, making her bounce a little.

'Don't hurt her!' I screamed out. 'Don't! Please, don't hurt her!'

'Stand back, Miss, we're trying to save her!'

'Please, don't! Don't hurt her! Please!'

'We have to! She can't feel it! She is -'

'Don't say dead! Don't you dare say she's dead! Save her! Please! Please save her!' I wept. I collapsed on my knees, sobbing into the hem of one of the nurses trousers. She stood me up.

'Come on. We need to give the doctor's some space. Let's go down the hall-'

'No! No! You can't make me leave her! No!' I screamed, as I was being held back and pulled from the room. 'No! You can't! Let me see her! No!'

She dragged me further down the hall with a tender grip, making sure I couldn't run back. I struggled against her grasp. About half way down the hall, I became free of her hold and collapsed against the wall in a cascade of tears before falling to the floor. I pulled my knees into my chest and rested my eyes on my knees. All I could see in my closed eyelids in the blackness, was the image of her tiny, helpless figure and then another image of it jumping at the shocks. I sobbed harder. I suddenly realised there was no grip against me and scrambled back down the corridor, tripping slightly, before anyone could get to me. I reached the door and smashed it open. I stumbled over to her and a doctor moved aside. Tubes had been removed, and she just lay there, as if sleeping. I fell to my knees, looking over the rim of the 'container' at her.

'I'm sorry, Anna...there's nothing more we can do...I'll leave you a few minutes before we come back...' stated the doctor softly, before turning and leaving the room. I sat there on my knees with my palms against my eyes crying. I couldn't believe that she'd gone...that heaven had gained another angel...heaven had gained my angel...

I scooped her up in my arms and held her tightly as I flopped down in a corner on the other side of the room. I cried into her shoulder. The first time I held her....the only time I held her...was almost two weeks after she was born and put in this fatal condition....when it was too late and she was already dead.

I lay her back, cradling her in my arms, looking at her face that looked so peaceful. At least now I knew she was in no pain....she was happy now, and had nothing to worry about. She was where she was needed...there was obviously something that she was needed for by the angels and by God. They probably knew I was strong enough and knew I'd be able to go on, but they needed her. Even though I thought all of this, it didn't take away the pain that was tearing away at me, making feel as though I had a birth going on in my heart. Maybe it was the birth of something new and good? Maybe it was the birth of something bitter-sweet? Maybe it was the birth of something sour that would one day envelope me....No, I wouldn't let that happen to me as well...

I hugged her again, feeling the warmth of her body before it trickled away.

'Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called 'Yellow'

So then I took my time
Oh what a thing to've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know? You know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
'Cause you were all yellow

I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow

Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know? For you I bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry

It's true
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for

Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do'

I sang softly into her ears, trying to stop sobbing. I sat there for a while, just holding her close and not wanting to let go. I imagined all of the good times we could have had together as a family. I then imagined all of the realistic times that Harry, Carson and I could have, with Darcy looking out for us from her little cloud. All the picnics..... Christmases...Birthdays...

I knew I could never let myself celebrate a birthday without thinking of her. She's Carson's twin, on this world or in the skies, she always would be. I'd think about her, I'd even get her a little teddy...I'd visit her grave and lay flowers and teddies on it....I'd do that every day....I knew Harry would too....

Harry...

He'd have to find out.

The sky was growing dark and I was still alone, holding Darcy. I kissed her face. I lost hope and began to drift off, holding her close to my heart.

Everything was black again. I was falling asleep. I still had miniature movies playing over in my head of Darcy playing with her brother. I had imagines of her on Harry's arms and there being pictures taken by the press of her and Carson in a pushchair being pushed by me and Harry with his arm around me. I got that carried away, I thought I felt her wriggle and hear her cry. The powers of our imaginations are incredible.

But it wasn't my imagination...

I opened my eyes and looked down. I was met with a pair of dazzling green eyes. I let out a scream and almost dropped her. I held her tightly, gasping.

'D-Darcy?' I whispered. She quietnened. I held her tightly and hugged her as she gargled... How was this possible? Was I dreaming? The door suddenly burst open. A man with blood shot eyes and tear stained cheeks stood in the doorway looking around, restlessly scanning the room. He found me and ran over.

'How could she have died? How? We had so much love for her-' sobbed Harry, but I cut her off.

'She felt that love,' I whispered.

'She can't have done. She left us...'

I lifted Darcy off of my shoulder and held her out to Harry. Her eyes met his emeralds, a clash of the same intense, beautiful colour. He took her abd his jaw dropped as he choked on air. He let out a weak laugh before holding her to him, making her feel all of the love he could give. He closed his eyes. I could see all of the love and pain he had felt.

A doctor soon came in and was shocked at what he saw. There were many checks over her. She was fine. We soon found out that we would soon be able to go home with us. Harry and I fell into each others arms. Weeping with happiness. Thank you god, I thought, thank you so much.