Fearless

“Jazmine?” the girl behind the desk called, setting a cup of coffee down on the counter. It was no Mocha Almond iced coffee, but it had to do.

“Thank you,” I granted to nobody as I picked it up. As I figured, my name was misspelled on the side of the cup. Jasmin. God, hadn’t those people ever watched Aladdin? There was obviously an E at the end.

Although, overall, it didn’t bother me when people spelled my name incorrectly, putting an s instead of the z. I was aware that I had an unusual spelling for my name, and most people didn’t think to ask. It was fine to me.

I took a sip of my coffee as I walked out of Starbucks and grimaced. Far, far too strong. I missed my Dunkin’ Donuts, but I knew it was no longer an option.

For the past week, I had been doing everything I could to avoid Niall. I didn’t want to have to face the possible reality that he’d want to know everything about my life. It scared me, having him know as much as he did. The thought of him knowing it all… It made me shudder.

He tried getting in touch with me, desperate to clear the air, by texting me a few times a day when he was on his break. But I simply deleted them and went back to whatever I was doing before he interrupted.

I’d even taken to sitting in a different seat in Accounting, just so that Harry couldn’t sit next to me without it looking intentional. And then everyone in the class would assume that he was trying too hard to get into my pants. If there was one thing that Harry didn’t want to settle upon himself, it was a reputation that marked him as unsuccessful with women.

Throughout the class, though, I could feel him throwing glances at me, trying to figure me out. It seemed pretty obvious to me that Niall hadn’t leaked my story to him, since Harry never confronted me about being an uptight, controlling bitch or anything.

Not that I figured I was. Everybody was entitled to their secrets, and there was no reason that I should have been forced to reveal all of mine in hopes of making friends. Those friends were lovely while they lasted. It may have hurt, but it was time to move on and go back to the life I led before.

After class, I walked back to the apartment to find Rachel lazing on the couch, a cup of tea on the table in front of her. “You know,” she pointed out, eyeing what was left of the coffee in my hand, “we’d save a lot of money if you’d make your own coffee in the morning.”

“Buying the coffee grinds is just as expensive,” I reminded her. “Plus, I make really shitty coffee.”

“Can’t be as shitty as Starbucks,” she responded. “By the way, there were no jobs that I could take listed in the papers today.”

I expected that. “Alright,” I nodded. “I’m going to write a paper. Do you need anything?”

She shook her head, pulling her blanket further up her body. In the past week, I’d had to repeat that dreadful night with Niall twice more, although things thankfully didn’t progress quite as far. She thought to leave an address, knowing that it was far better if I went to pick her up without having to search the entire campus for her.

I shut myself up inside my room and sighed, running a hand through my hair. My mind started drifting toward the guilt I felt about leaving Niall hanging like that. I knew he must have been feeling like shit. But there was nothing I could do.

There was something about him that was so open and caring. I knew that if I went up to him to apologize and tell him that we couldn’t be friends anymore, I’d just word-vomit my entire life-story all over him. So it simply wasn’t an option. Ignoring him was best for the both of us.

I settled down on my bed and pulled up my computer, ready to occupy my mind on subjects that weren’t Niall Horan.

* * *

“Alright, fuck it,” Harry groaned as he threw himself into the seat next to my new one. “I don’t care if people judge me for moving my seat to sit next to you again. This is getting ridiculous.”

“What is?” I questioned distractedly as I took down the notes from the board.

“This,” he repeated. “This whole ‘you ignoring everyone’ thing. What’s up with that?”

I stayed silent.

“Come on. You can’t ignore me like that. What I’m saying is actually important for once.”

I kept my mouth shut, not even giving him the satisfaction of glancing at him.

“Alright, fine. I guess I’ll just talk.” I’d never heard him so irritated or flustered before. It was actually not very fun to hear. “I don’t know what happened the night of the party, since Niall wouldn’t tell me, no matter what I did or threatened him with. But whatever it was, he feels like shit that you’re avoiding him and ignoring him. He feels like he did something really awful and friendship-altering, and you’re not really giving him any information to think otherwise. And I’m sure it wasn’t that big of a deal. You’re acting like a child.”

That was enough. Something snapped inside of me as I turned to face him. “You said it yourself, Harry, you have no fucking clue what happened. So don’t lecture me like you’re my father. And the fact that you’re calling me a child is laughable. You know nothing about me. So just stop talking to me.”

He swallowed before continuing in a hushed voice, since class had officially begun. “No. I’m not going to stop talking to you. Because I really liked being your friend. I liked the back-and-forth we had, that you could take my sarcasm and throw it right back at me. I liked that you got on with our group of friends as well as you did, right off the bat. All of them like you, too. And this little fit you’re throwing is ridiculous. Your little mysterious personality and secretive air might have been cute when you were in secondary school, but you’re at uni now. It’s time to grow up a little bit and realize that people aren’t always going to chase you down and try to make you change your mind.”

“Isn’t that exactly what you’re doing?” I muttered bitterly.

“Yeah. But I’m not like other people.”

There was a long silence, and I took the opportunity to answer the couple of problems that had been put on the board.

Just as I finished, Harry whispered, “I think that you should talk to Niall. He’s the one who’s been hurt in all of this. I’m just standing up for him.”

I thought about it for a long time. Clearly, if Harry was acting so much like an attack dog, whatever Niall was feeling, it was bad. If there was any hope for salvaging our friendship, then I had to go talk to him.

And the fact that Harry told me to grow up really was a wakeup call. If Harry Styles thought I was being immature, then I must have been acting like an infant.

So I decided that I’d think about talking to Niall. Not that I said it aloud, since I didn’t want to give Harry any kind of vindication.

I turned back to my work, and the tension between us seemed to evaporate. He knew that he’d made an advance, and that was all he wanted to accomplish.

Ugh. God, I hated that kid.