The Devil On Your Shoulder

~Flashback~

"You finished the milk again!" I screeched at Jack, and he flipped his hair sarcastically, grinning.

"Sorry, buddy." He turned the radio up when Teenage Dirtbag began playing. I closed the fridge, frowning. Jack always fucking finished the milk, I was surprised his mom hadn't kicked him out yet. "Her name is Noel, I had a dream about her, she rings my bell, got gym class in half an hour," He began belting at the top of his lungs.

"Cause I'm just a teeennnaaagggeee dirtbag baby, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby," He carried on, dancing around me. I glared at him, refusing to join in. I was Alex Gaskarth, I didn't sing and I definitely didn't dance. "Listen to Iron Maiden, baby with meeee." He grinned, getting down on one knee like it was a marriage proposal. I shook my head, pushing him back. This was all just a little weird.

"What's wrong with you?" He chuckled, picking himself up. "I'm joking, you don't have to listen to Iron Maiden with me." I took a seat on his kitchen chairs, shuffling around uncomfortably.

"I think I need to go..." I said, eyes fluttering to the floor. Why was I even hanging out with this kid?

I saw Jack roll his eyes, and I felt arms wrap around me, pulling me into a Waltz pose. He spun me around, still singing Teenage Dirtbag. I protested, telling him to let me go and to fuck off, but he didn't listen. The smile on his face was so genuine and wide it physically hurt me when I looked at it. He was... no, don't say it Alex, don't even think it.

"I've got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby, come with me Friday, don't say maybe, I'm just a teenage dirtbag baby, like you," He sang and I felt his eyes on me. When I looked up his smirk grew and I looked into his eyes for a while, my face blank. He looked back at me and I could tell he was happy. He looked happier than I'd ever been. I almost envied his happiness.

He coughed once. "I can make you happy you know, but you gotta co-operate with me." He coughed again, disguising what he'd said.

"What?" I said, eyes dancing around his face.

"I can make you happy." He repeated.

I laughed. "How?"

"Think about the best thing that's ever happened to you." He told me.

I thought. The first thing that popped into my head was when Jack took me to KFC. He ordered me a table, treated me like a princess. He bought me 2 massive buckets and we shared them. We must have been in there for about 2 hours, making noises and messing about with each other. I'd never really thought about it much until now. Jack did make me happy. I looked back up at him and his smirk was wider than ever. "Knew it." He breathed and I felt his breath touch my lips.

Was I turned on? No. I liked girls. I didn't like guys. What was I doing? I pulled away from him quickly, pushing him away from me. "What're you playing at?" I snapped, picking up my bag and running to the front door.

"Alex," He called from behind me. I ignored him, I was unsure so why I'd even come here. It was basically asking for trouble.

The only thing I was confused about, the only thing I wasn't willing to admit, to myself, nevermind anyone else, was the fact I missed him so much my heart hurt when thinking about him.

"Alex," He said again, and instead of ignoring him I spun round, his face already right in front of mine. It was dark and the only light was coming from his living room windows. I could make out his messy hair, Jack's hair was always messy. It was a mystery how he was so effortlessly.. well, beautiful. I snapped myself into focus, I couldn't think like that, I couldn't have feelings for him.

I watched as a small grin played on his lips. "I have Teenage Dirtbag on my phone you know," He said, spinning his phone around in his hand. "Care to dance?"

I frowned at him, but when he pressed his face up against my own the frown left. "We don't need your phone," I told him, taking his hands into my own. How dead I'd be if Oli saw me right now.

It was suddenly apparent to me that our faces were way too close together. We were so close I could feel his breath on my skin, his eyelashes on face. Instead of doing what I should have done, push him away, run as fast as I could, out of there, out of there forever, I didn't move at all. His sweat coliding with my own, his hands wrapped firmly around mine, his breath on my face and his comfort like a bubble around me, I never wanted to leave. I wanted to be right there, with him, forever.

I moved my face forward an inch, and suddenly our lips were touching. Only softly. This could still be proceived as just friends, right? That was what we were, wasn't it? This wasn't really happening, was it? I wasn't gay, right?

Wrong. His lips pressed onto mine, softly at first but when he realised I was pushing back, he pushed harder. His lips dominated mine, him obviously having more practice. His hands got caught up in my hair while my hands stayed firmly around his neck. I suddenly felt his body being pressed up against my own and we were sharing even more sweat. It was then clear to me we were sharing way more than just sweat. We were sharing our own tastes, his which was amazing. I'd tasted a few people in my time, not a lot, but a few, and none of them even compared to Jack's. It wasn't a clear taste, I couldn't even describe how brilliant it was.

When he finally pulled away, taking deep breaths as I launched my head on his shoulder, needing more. I needed him to kiss me again, even though I was drained, more tired and out of breath than I'd been in a while, it was an amazing feeling. I was suddenly completely satisfied, I'd almost forgot what I'd been missing until now. This was what I needed. I needed kissing, I needed someone to take care of me. I needed someone to take care of.

The next day was a Friday, and I had to use all the strength I had not to walk up to Jack and kiss him.

We mainly avoided each other between classes, I'd glance a look at him every once in a while and his smirk would grow when he felt my eyes on him. The bastard, I'd grin to myself as I pulled my eyes away from him. I needed him so bad, I longed for his lips on mine the whole day. I couldn't concentrate, it was like a drug and I was having severe withdrawal symptoms.

As corny as I must sound right now, it is 100% truth. I didn't think I could make it through the day, having to watch him from a distance, using every bone in my body not to run up from my chair and kiss him right in front of the whole class. It almost didn't matter to me who saw.

Except it did. It mattered a lot. I couldn't let anyone, ever, know about what happened between me and Jack that night. It would be our little secret. Secrets are fun, right?

Wrong. Again. Secrets are the worst.

Non-flashback

All my life, I'd been good at keeping secrets. My mom didn't know about the first kiss I had when I was 14 till I was 16. I didn't tell my dad the time I didn't get into the soccer team and once I "forgot" to take my French stuff to school the day I hadn't done my homework.

I'd even been good at lying when I was going through the worst time in my life. I was good at bottling things up, keeping them to myself. I was good at being alone.

Today was different. It wasn't my mom, dad or teachers I was keeping petty secrets from anymore, no. These secrets were much bigger and to someone so much more important in my life.

Jack.

"You are Jack Barakat's relatives, correct?" The too familiar voice of the doctor sounded, snapping me out of my thoughts.

'No, we're just standing outside his hospital room for the fun of it.' My mind said sarcastically, as I took a gulp out of the hospitals Lucozade which tasted so out of date.

"Yes, we are." Joyce said, her voice almost sounding hopeful. Hope. Ha. Hope was something I'd stopped having a long, long time ago.

"Is he ready to operate?" The doctor said looking up from his sheet he was signing. I choked on my out-of-date Lucozade, some making it's way out of my mouth.

"What?" I said, running a hand over my mouth to dry it.

"Jack Barakat, the kid with the brain tumor. Surely your last doctor told you he needed an operation?"

"Yes, they did. We just-" Joyce began.

"We didn't realize it was gonna be so fucking soon!" I said, anger and worry forming in my voice. I couldn't cope with Jack getting an operation yet. I still had so much to tell him. I still had so much time I needed to spend with him.

"No need to get upset, it's a fairly straight forward procedure, we'll just need to go over it to make sure you realize possible consquences."

"Consquences? What consquences?" I snapped once again.

"Sir, please calm down. And you should both take a seat for this." The doctor told us, pointing to a few seats that were avaliable in the almost empty waiting room.

"Although this operation is basically a piece of cake, you should know there's a slight chance something could go wrong while we're taking the tumor out, and since it's so close to his brain, well it could cause a number of different things. For example, he could bleed out. Which would then of course lead to serious damage.... or death." The doctor stated in what seemed like the nicest way he could say that there's a chance your son and boyfriend could die.

"And what if he doesn't have this operation?" Joyce asked.

"The tumor would grow and he'd be unable to function."

"So there's no chemo or anything you can do?" She asked again.

"I'm afraid not. The tumor's too big for chemotherapy."

"Fucking hell." I commented, throwing my crappy Lucozade on the ground.

"So are we ready?"

"Well..." Joyce began. "We haven't exactly, you know, told him.. yet."

"He doesn't know?"

"Well how the fuck would he know if we haven't told him?!" I butted in again, getting frustated with the amount of stupid questions this doctor was asking.

"Alex." Joyce snapped, her eyebrows rising.

"I understand this is a hard time for both of you, but he was diagnosed a week ago, it was only assumed you'd both explained to him what he was about to deal with."

"Why don't you try tell the person you love more than anything he has a brain tumor? Or even worse-" I snapped again before Joyce cut me off.

"Give us 12 hours, can you wait that long?"

"12 hours, at the most. No longer." The doctor said, snapping his clipboard shut and picking himself up.

"You need to stop swearing in front of doctors." Joyce told me once he was out of ear shot.

"I'll stop swearing when doctors stop asking stupid questions!" I told her and I almost saw a smile appear on her face for the first time in a week.

-

Hour 1

"I shotgun not telling him." I said, tapping my foot nervously against the floorboards.

Joyce hit my leg sharply. "Do you wanna do this the proper way or the 5-year-old way?"

I bit my lip. "The 5-year-old way?" She hit my leg again, giving me a light shove as she did so. "Okay, okay," I groaned. "I'll do it. No guarantees I'll get through it without killing myself.....Wanna grab lunch first?"

To my surprise, Joyce nodded. "Where to?"

"There's a crappy chicken place down the road, walking distance?" I suggested. Joyce nodded and I watched as she wrapped her scarf around her neck, fitted on her gloves and brushed back her hair.

I felt sorry for Joyce, I really did. She was going through more than I could ever imagine, from Jack to Bassam. There had been so many times in my life I'd thought that I couldn't carry on living, from as young as 10 I was an outcast, smarter than everyone else yet not smart enough to make friends. I was always good, I didn't do things that hurt other people, until I turned 14 and I became, the dreaded teenager.

People had told me from as young as 5 that teenagers were horrible, disgusting people that I never wanted to be. And hell, they were right.

From the years 14 up until I met Jack were the worst years of my life. From bullies like Oliver, to the girls who repeatedly broke my heart, I'd had enough. By the time I was 16 I'd become the most heartless bastard you ever met. I didn't give two shits about anyone else. I used girls for popularity, used friends to get to girls and then ditched them all. I had people who wanted to be me, people who wanted to do me, and people who wanted to kill me. I didn't have anyone who was inbetween licking my ass and plotting to shoot me with a gun in their freetime.

When I met Jack, everything changed. He dragged me out of the hell that was my life, made me see things differently. He became my whole world in the space of 4 months.

Even though I didn't know it then, I loved Jack more than I'd ever loved anyone.

Hour 4

"That chicken place turned out to not be so crappy." I grinned on the way back from the restaurant.

Joyce nodded, distancing herself from me and the conversation. In all the 3 years I'd known this woman, I'd never ever seen her like this. Joyce was like Jack more than anyone. Their personalities were the same, they were both bouncy and enthusastic all the time, without fail. You knew if they weren't jumping over you or getting on your last nerve there was something up with them.

"You alright?" I asked, bumping her shoulder lightly.

She sighed. "Yeah, I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

She looked up at me and smiled softly, then shrugged. "You love Jack as much as I do, correct?"

"Correct."

"So you understand, Jack's my whole world. When Bassam and I spilt, he's all I had. He cooked for me, cleaned for me, and hell, I'm not saying he's the perfect kid, because dammit he's far from that, but I can't live without him. Without him, I have no reason to get up in the morning, no reason to go to work, no reason for anything. He gave up his soccer trials that loved so much to help me pay debt, he stopped doing what he loved the most, to get a job to pay for food." She wiped a tear from her face. "I'm such a terrible mother, I knew that, I know that, I just always thought I'd have a chance to make it up to him, you know?"

I grabbed her hands, pulling her to the side of the road. "Stop that, stop saying that. Stop crying." I told her harshly, glaring into her eyes. "First of all, fuck, you're a great mother, d'you how much I'd kill to have parents who love me as much as you love Jack? Second, Jack's gonna get through this, you know that better than anyone, he's a fighter, he's like his dad. He'll get through his and dammit if you don't believe it we're both screwed, because you're a billion times stronger than I'll ever be."

At that moment, she did something weird. Joyce had always liked hugging me, but never in my life was I expecting a hug like I was about to get. She pulled me into a massive hug, gripping her arms on my back and burying her head into my shoulder.

"Watch your language." She told me a few minutes later, and I grinned, hugging her back.