The Devil On Your Shoulder

There was little things about Jack that I'd forgotten to miss. For example, he would drink all the milk, and then put the carton back in the fridge, to remind me to buy more milk. It annoyed me, a lot, because it didn't remind me to buy milk, it made me think we already had milk. This happened most days, and every time I confronted him about it he'd giggle and kiss me shyly, and I loved that more than anything.

When we slept in the same bed at night, he'd always refuse to cuddle before sleeping. He told me he didn't like cuddling, he liked to be independent, he liked to be a man and sleep on his own. I would tell him it wasn't less manly to cuddle someone while sleeping, I knew he was a cuddly sleeper, I always knew, and every morning I would wake up to his leg over my own leg, gripping my chest tightly and his head buried into my shoulder. I'd lie there until he was awake and let realise what he was doing. Sometimes he'd bury his head deeper into my shoulder and kiss my neck, which was more than amazing and I loved it so dammit much, but more often that not he'd quickly pull away from me, leaving a cold breeze where his warm body had once been. It made me sad when he did this, and I missed him the second he left me on my own.

He ate his cereal weird too. He would pour dry cheerios, his favourite type, into a bowl, and then fill a cup with milk. He'd leave it for a while, in that time he would switch on the TV, get dressed, he even sometimes brushed his teeth, and then he'd come back to the kitchen, pour half of the milk in his glass over his cheerios, eat them, and then drink the rest of the milk.

Words don't even describe how weird that was to me.

Another thing he did that was alien to me, was he'd boil the kettle before he went to bed at night. Not because he wanted a coffee or a cup of tea before sleeping, but so it wouldn't take as long to boil in the morning. I told him time and time again that it would take just as long to boil in the morning, but he shook his head, telling me that he was right and it did actually work.

Although things seemed great and perfect again, nothing had changed since we'd broken up 8 months ago. I hadn't told my parents about me being gay, I was still scared to tell any of my "friends" about it. Jack knew this. He saw it in my face every time his mom or any friend or relative of theirs brung up the fact we were together. He liked showing me off, he liked it more than anything. The first time I'd met his grandparents, he'd paraded me about like I was some sort of gold medal he'd won in a fighting championship. I wasn't half as good as he made me out to be, he'd tell everyone I was perfect for him and he couldn't be more happy. But I knew he could be more happy. I didn't deserve him, he needed something more than me, and although I knew deep down in my heart that I couldn't fufill his dreams, I couldn't father his child, I couldn't love him the way he needed to be loved, I didn't have it in me to break-up with him again. The look on his face when I'd told him 8 months ago that we couldn't see each other anymore, it broke me, it ruined me. I couldn't hurt him like that, not again, not ever.

I kept an eye on Jack's wrists, making sure he wasn't cuting again. I noticed fresh wounds in his arms once every week. It then cut down to once every 2 weeks, once every 3 weeks, finally, I hadn't seen one in about 2 months. I felt proud, like I was the reason he wasn't cutting anymore, the reason he wanted to stay on this earth, he reason he smiled.

One thing that had been happening to Jack a lot though, was collapsing. He'd get unstable on his legs, lose his ability to hear properly, causing him to fall down, sometimes blacking out for a few minutes. He wouldn't go to the doctors, he wouldn't let me call an ambulance or his mom when he fell. He was stubborn, he won all our fights we had about it.

I knew I had to do something, I knew something could be seriously wrong with him. He told me over and over that he was just under the weather, that he had food poisoning and that he could treat himself. Sometimes, I walked in to his room, pitch black, and he was just lying there. He told me not to speak, and he complained of a stabbing pain in his head. After the pain in his head had left and he was finally feeling some relief, he'd run to the bathroom only to throw up.

That was one of the only reasons I believed his theory about having food poisoning, because I knew that that was common.

After the school for expelled students had expelled both me and Jack, Baltimore high school (our first high school) offered me, and only me, a place back there. I was a A* student, and they said that Jack was the reason I'd been slacking and getting expelled. Jack's mom had pulled Jack out of school, telling him he was old enough to go find a job for himself, and even though she was more than annoyed with him, she still had faith that he could do something with his life. Jack got a job at a restaurant, serving food, and I, after being forced by my parents, went back to school.

I hated school more now that Jack wasn't there. I couldn't concentrate on my work, all I did was worry about him. He didn't leave my mind once when I was there. I worried about Zack showing up at his work, threating him or punching him. I worried about him cutting himself while I wasn't there to watch him 24/7. I worried about him blacking out and hitting his head on something sharp, or him blacking out while he wasn't with anyone, and no one found him. The worst thing about everything was that I couldn't even ask someone to keep an eye on him for me, because he refused to tell anyone else. As much as I loved being the only person who knew small details about his life, he needed to tell someone, anyone, his mom, his work friends, his dad.

Jack and his dad weren't on the best of terms lately. Jack hadn't seen him in 5 months, and he cried himself to sleep most nights because of that. He needed his dad, he almost envied me for having a dad that was around all the time. Sometimes when his head pains and his mood swings were too much for him he'd shout at me, telling me to go home and spend time with my dad, because he'd do anything to have a dad like mine.

He loved my dad, they got on like two peas in a pod, because they were more alike and me and my dad were. He felt at home with my parents, in my house, and I knew he did. It was more than obvious, even my parents commented on it sometimes. Lately, though, he'd been refusing to come to mine, not telling me why but I could see it in his eyes it was because all he wanted was for a dad like mine, all he wanted was his dad back, and he couldn't bear it. My parents asked about him so many times in the past month, and I had to lie, telling them he was sick or his mom already had plans for him. More than anything, I was sure my mom could see through all this. My mom knew me better than anyone, apart from Jack, I was almost sure she knew that I loved Jack more than I loved anyone else, I was sure she could see my eyes light up every time I talked about him or my stomach do flips every time she brought him up.

I'd made many speeches in my head of what I was gonna say to my parents when telling them I was gay. I'd thought up some brilliant ones, but every time I opened my mouth to say it, nothing would come out apart from a few squeaks. I'd asked Jack how he'd told his parents, and he told me he never really had to tell them and that they'd just always known. Helpful.

"Where's your boyfriend?" A familiar voice sounded, bringing me out of my own little world and back into the harsh reality.

"He's not my boyfriend," I grumbled, grudgingly. Another lie. "And he got expelled, remember?"

"Ha," Oli scuffed. "Pretty bad boyfriend you are, am I right?"

I spun round, pushing him firmly in the chest. I knew he was right, I knew I was a shit boyfriend, but I wasn't in the mood for him right now, and if it was legal I'm pretty sure I would have killed him right then.

"Hey, little one," He told me, pushing me away from him. "What got you so mad,"

"You, Oli." I mumbled, turning my back on him and picking up the pace in my step.

"What, you scared of me now?" He asked, running after me. "I can see why Jacky would be scared of me, because he's a gay, but you, really?"

"What does gay have to do with being scared of you?" I asked him, annoyed by the way he always put people down because of their sexuality.

"Since when did Alex Gaskarth have feelings?" He said, almost as if I was an alien to emotion. Ironic really, as I've had more emotion and pain than he'll ever have.

"Just fuck off, Oli." I told him, pushing past him roughly and carried on walking to my next class. Jack always thought Oli was a good guy, deep down, but it was all crap, Jack was just too big hearted to see it.

I threw myself down into my English seat, followed by a new face who sat down in the seat Jack used to sit in.

"Hey, I'm Rian Dawson." He grinned. Rian Dawson.. why did that name sound familiar? His grin only widened when he saw my expression. "Zack Merrick's friend, from the school you went to for a day." He chuckled, almost sarcastically.

"Oh yeah!" I laughed, before frowning. Wasn't he a jerk, just like Zack?

"I'm not like him, you know." He told me, almost as if he could read my mind. "I just hung around with Zack because I had no one else, turns out he pushed me around for being what he used to be."

"Wait, you're.."

"Gay, yeah." Rian smirked. Jesus Christ, as soon as I confess my feelings for another guy, all I'm surrounded by is gay people.

That was a joke, but there's some truth in there too.

"Sweet," I smiled at him, "So you knew Jack when he was with Zack?"

Rian nodded. "Yeah, Jack's an amazing guy, you're lucky."

"Oh, no, it's not like that." I lied, and he nodded, a small grin perking up on his face.

Before anything else was said, the teacher came in and began the lesson. Throughout the hour of a subject I used to hate, Rian made it semi-enjoyable. He fought with me over the correct answers to basically every question, he teased me for straighting my hair every morning, telling me I was gayer than him and Jack put together and he stole my pencil every time he needed to rub something out which would normally annoy the crap outta me, but I enjoyed it. I actually enjoyed fighting and messing around with this kid I'd only just properly met.

At break time, I hung around with him again, showing him around the school and making jokes about all the different teachers. I told him about Oli and Josh, and he told me about Zack and Zack's friend Taylor. He also told me about Tay, who was his best friend back at that school before she started dating Zack, and he told her she couldn't see Rian anymore. Rian didn't cry once, or show any signs of being sad. He laughed about it, cracking up jokes and punching me playfully in the stomach.

The 2 periods of hell before lunch were almost worthwhile, knowing I was spending lunch with him. We patrolled the highstreet, buying ourselves two burgers each and demolishing them in less than 2 minutes. He bought me an oreo milkshake and I bought him coffee from his favourite shop, Starbucks. I'd never been in Starbucks before, so Rian showed me around like I'd shown him around the school. He pretended to take me on a 5 second date, around the shop and we shared his coffee, that was actually pretty nice for a drink I'd convinced myself I didn't like. He refused to try my oreo milkshake, telling me it was just wrong. I went on to tell him that it was just as wrong as a banana milkshake, and he agreed with me for the first time.

We'd even arranged for him to come round after his drum lessons because he wanted to see Jack, and properly introduce himself. After lunch he kissed me on the cheek playfully, and I gave him a french kiss back. We both laughed about it for a while until he walked off to his next class. The split second before he left, I could of sworn we were about to have a moment, a romantic moment, I almost leaned in...

I shook my head, snapping away the thoughts. I wouldn't ever cheat on Jack, ever. My stomach filled with butterflies from thought of Rian as I walked to my next class. I told myself no, I couldn't feel these things for anyone but Jack, I wasn't allowed to, I couldn't.

A smile grew on my lips as I turned the corner into my Biology lab. I gripped my books tighter as I couldn't wait for Rian to come round and I could show him off to Jack. I let off one of my genuine smiles that I'd only given to Jack as I pulled out a pencil, examining it and only thinking of Rian.

That's when I got the call.

The call that changed my life forever.