The Devil On Your Shoulder

There was little things about Alex I'd forgotten to miss. He had all of Blink-182's CDs and all 3 movies of Home Alone, even though Home Alone 3 was shit. We'd play Blink-182 all morning and for an hour when he and I both got home from work, and then we'd watch Home Alone until about 2am when he'd sleep and I'd watch re-runs of Only Fools and Horses, a show Alex loved and made me love too. Lately, I'd had trouble sleeping, so I only got about an hour per night.

He washed my clothes for me and tied my tie because I couldn't do it myself. He'd always ask me "what would you do without me?" and I'd push him and tell him I'd find someone who'd be able to stay up later than 2am. He grinned and told me only his duplicate would manage to sleep after 5am every school night.

He always fucking stole my beanie. I liked my beanies, I had 4 or 5 in lots of different colours. He clearly liked them too and he'd always pull them off my head or steal them from under my pillow where I kept them. Whenever I told him off for it he'd lick his bottom lip lightly, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows. His was his 'forgive me' look, and it always fucking worked.

Alex annoyed the crap outta me, he'd pull me into social interactions when he knew I hated talking to people. He'd make me wear suits and ties on special occasions, but normally equaled with me and let me wear jeans and a shirt and tie. Baggy jeans, not the tight shit that he wore. He'd tried over and over again to get me to wear his tight death pants, but it never worked and he gave up on me wearing baggy jeans. It was better than my joggers, he'd said, but I still wore them all the time. Even though he annoyed me like hell, I loved him way more than words could ever describe.

Alex, Blink-182, Home Alone, beanies and joggers were my life.

I hadn't spoken to Josh or Oli, or anyone at my old school for so long. I liked it, a hell of a lot because I basically hated everyone there, and I always have. Alex didn't talk much about school, and I couldn't tell if it was because he was having fun and he didn't want to make me feel left out, or if it was because he was having a really bad time and he didn't want me to worry. Either way, I was worried about him. He worried me. He was strong enough to handle Josh, Oli and Zack put together and times by 4, he was strong and he was prepared to stand his ground, not at all like me who couldn't even punch the littlest and weakest guy at school. I'd heard a lot of people say I couldn't even hurt a fly, which was a lie because I've killed so many flies in my time. I kinda felt bad about that.

Alex was supposed to be my protector, that's how people saw it, and at school, that's how it was. But at my house and even his house, I looked after him. I fed him, not literally, but I made his dinners and poured his drinks, sure, he tied my tie, did the washing, cleaned up after us and went out to buy milk every once in a while, but still, I was the protector, I was the man of the house.

I wanted kids more than I've ever wanted anything. My dad always talked about how excited he was to have grandkids, and he always looked at me to provide them as I was his only child. When he found out I was gay, it didn't bother him one bit, he was convinced he was still gonna have grandchildren one day, and so was I. I had to do this for my dad, even if we weren't on the best of terms right now. I've always wanted to make my dad proud, seeing the look of pride in his face is better than anything in life. He's my world, my dad, he's my best friend and I love him to pieces. Even Alex doesn't compare to him. He's close behind him, but no one tops my dad.

My dad was close with basically all the good school's headmasters in the area, and he'd already booked a spot in the top school of our city for my future kids. He kept toys and clothes from when I was little and put them in a bag in a safe. He even opened a bank account for my first child where he put $40 a month. He loved my unborn child already.

I was so determined to make my dad proud, I even had a plan of how I was gonna live my life from now on to make sure I do nothing to dissappoint him, and when I have my kids I want to live with him for a while, so that he can be as close to my kids as I am.

Alex had already left for school when I got up for my 10 o'clock shift. We were staying at my mom's house lately because I didn't feel like going round to Alex's. I slipped on my joggers as Alex wouldn't be seeing me until later on today, threw on a Blink-182 shirt and slipped on shoes that must of been Alex's because I'd never seen them before in my life. I placed my trusty beanie on my head, ran down the stairs and chugged down the last of the milk, placing the carton back in the fridge to remind Alex to buy more. I grinned to myself, knowing how much Alex loved when I did this, picked up some chips and walked out my house, locking the door behind me. I was in a surprisingly good mood today, most likely due to the way I'd felt Alex's kisses planted all over my body before he'd left for school. Normally, I didn't hear Alex in the mornings, but this morning I'd heard everything. I'd heard him wake up, kiss me all over, then jump out of bed. He made so much noise in the morning I don't know why my mom hadn't thrown him out yet. He ran down stairs and clunked about in the kitchen making breakfast. About 10 minutes later he ran back up the stairs, and I was convinced he'd brought a heard of elephants up with him, threw my door open and got changed. I'd even felt him get a beanie from under my pillow, the sly bastard. I was gonna wake up and tackle him to the ground, but I was waiting for what he did next.

Before he went, he slipped beside me in bed, fitting perfectly. He hugged me close from behind for what felt like an hour, before kissing me one more time, picking up his headphones and playing New Found Glory so loud even I heard it as he walked out the door.

I heard the front door slam, and I had to admit I missed him already.

I got to work earlier than usual because thinking about Alex and being in a good mood had made me pick up my usual slow pace. I hopped into work, and began cleaning tables immediately. A few people had said hi to me, and I'd smiled back at them, something which I normally didn't do unless I was with Alex or my dad. I hated work, it was shit pay, shit people, shit customers. People in this town were so much more arrognant and annoying than I'd remembered. Today though, I was determined that not even them could put a downer on my mood.

I had been working over three hours when I started feeling really horrible. The stabbing headaches that had been extinct for a few weeks, came flooding back, making my mood go from higher than cloud nine to lower than rock bottom. The pain in my head was so bad I was finding it difficult to see, and I started going dizzy and feeling faint. A few people came up to me telling me I looked 'paler than usual' and 'are you okay?'.

After about half an hour of hell, my manager told me to go home and get some rest. I nodded, even though I normally wouldn't accept an offer like this.

I picked up my car keys, desperately wishing it would end now and I could go back to my happy mood. I'd wanted to stay happy for Alex tonight, Alex deserved me to be happy, he deserved to know he was the reason I was happy. I'd go home, sleep for a while, maybe call my dad even though we haven't spoken in so long.

All I wanted was to patch things up with him, I needed my dad so bad. I knew it should all blow over, I'd be able to talk to him about football or having kids again. I couldn't wait to go back to that, I missed that.

I got into my car, turning on the engine and pulling out of the restaurant car park.

I don't remember much after that.