Right Behind You

I was shaking as I tried to unscrew the bottle of pills. I wasn't afraid of death or dying. I had been preparing for this for weeks.

But the night before - with him had me all out of sots. I took a deep breath to get my head together. Everything was perfect and my plan was flawless.

Until I heard a car door slam.

"Shelly?"

Their voices spread out around me - and I could hear the urgency in Cage's voice as he barreled towards the door. I didn't have time to think I just darted into the musty closet and pressed myself against the back wall. I shuddered and tried not to think about what was inside of the dark with me. I would not miss bugs.

The door swung open and I could hear his heavy foot steps on the bathroom tile. His voice was panicked
"Shelly!?" He stepped further inside and I heard him pace around the bathroom. I held my breath waiting for him to open the closet door and find me there.

"She's not here Cage." Morgan's voice came from somewhere else in the abandoned house.
"Yeah man, I'm sure she's at State sleeping off the hangover." Lewis tried to reassure him.

Cage hesitated, before agreeing and following the others outside. I waited patiently until I heard three car doors close and the car drive away. I sighed in relief and crawled out of the closet ready to end my life.

I was not looking forward to the Fall Break Blow-Out. But it meant a lot to Morgan. She had been my best, and pretty much only friend for sixteen years, so I felt like I owed her one last fun filled night before I ended it all.

I was completely prepared to end my life - but not so much for my last day on earth. Especially when it meant dressing up for a college party. I had managed to only attend one college party since I arrived at State. Mainly because I had been struggling with my grades since the third week of class. I barely had time to do anything but study and do extra credit projects - but I kept falling farther and farther behind. That was one reason I was ready to die. I had little to no hope of passing my first semester of college. I was a failure.

But I plastered a smile on my face and brushed out my brown hair. I did my makeup and pulled on a pair of tight fitting blue jeans a tank top and an old flannel shirt. I almost looked kind of cute. I was lacing my shoes when there was a knock at the door.

"Hey Morgan!" I called.
"Bitch you better be ready!" She responded, the excitement was evident in her voice.
I rolled my eyes and grabbed my bag before opening the door.
"Really? You couldn't have gotten a little cuter?" She asked eyeing my outfit.

I bit my tongue and reminded her I didn't really want to go in the first place. She scoffed. In Morgan's world it was unheard of not to care about the last party before fall break. She was a social butterfly - everyone loved Morgan with her perfect smile and the optimistic confidence she had in herself. She could party on the weekends and still maintain a good GPA. I hated her. In the best kind of way.

She was oblivious however to the fact that I was ready to end my life - chattering on about her new boyfriend and all of his cute friends. I wasn't complaining though. I didn't want to fail again. This time I was going to succeed. My plan was flawless, and everything was ready. I had the perfect number of pills to do the job and a couple extra just incase, all of my letters were written and tucked inside my purse along with my "will". I felt like I was on cloud nine. I couldn't wait for the moment when I would be gone forever. It was a sweet peace I couldn't wait for. Nothing could bring me down.

That is - until Morgan's boyfriend Lewis showed up with his best friend Cage in tow. I wasn’t a huge fan of Lewis – but I was even less a fan of his friend. I’d voiced this to Morgan but ignored me and tried to convince me to date him. Like I said she was pretty blind about the obvious. In Morgan’s eyes the fact that Cage was her new boyfriend’s best friend, made me as her best friend the perfect match.

”Hey baby.” Lewis said kissing her on the cheek and sliding his arm around her.
“Hey boo!” She replied with a grin.

Seeing her happy made me happy. Morgan had been through a slew of bad relationships, and gave up dating most of our senior year to help take care of me after my parents died. I would rest easier knowing that she had someone to take care of her. I smiled to myself.

”You seem uncharacteristically happy.” Cage said sipping his beer.
“Thanks. I think.” I replied trying to give him the cold shoulder. He shrugged and walked off.

I tried to put on my happiest face and act like I was really enjoying myself. But it was hard when Cage was always a few steps behind me. I chugged beers down much faster than I normally would have. I hadn’t drank in six months – but you only live once and I would be dead tomorrow, so I figured what the hell!?

The party started winding down, I weaved my way through the crowd trying to find Morgan. I stumbled over a pile of trash and someone caught my arm.

“Woah. Watch it Shelly.” Cage said steadying me.
“Where is Morgan?” I asked slurred.

“She and Lewis left an hour ago.” He told me.
“What?” I was stunned, I couldn’t believe that I went out of my way to have fun with my best friend and she ditched me for her boyfriend!? Didn’t she know I would be dead tomorrow?
“Fuck her.” I said jerking away from Cage and stomping off towards campus.

“There is no way I am letting you walk back to the dorms as drunk as you are. First of all Morgan would kill me, and second you’d never make it to your room without someone catching you.” He grabbed my hand and led me in the opposite direction.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked after a few moments. I should have ignored him and went home anyway but I was starting to loose my beer buzz and felt like shit. It took a lot to get me drunk. I would buzz for a little while and then crash back to reality – it was like a drug.

“To Morgan, at my apartment.” Cage replied.
I wrinkled my nose. This was not part of my plan/

“She’s not very happy with you.” He said suddenly.
“She’s not happy with me? That bitch left me at our last party together!” I regretted my words as soon as they fell out of my mouth.

“She left because of how drunk you were getting. She said that you knew better. And what do you mean last party?” He asked
“I’m not making the best grades – I might not make it past midterms here.” I admitted, hoping that answer would suffice and he wouldn’t ask anymore questions.

“That sucks. Now I don’t blame you as much for wanting to get wasted.” Cage smiled sympathetically. I realized he was still holding my hand, but I didn’t pull away.

“What the fuck were you thinking Shelly? You’ve been sober for six months and you just threw it all down the fucking drain.” Morgan was yelling before I even walked in the door.

“Just cut her some slack babe – Shell hardly ever comes out with us. She’s always studying in her room. She was just having some fun.” Lewis came to my defense.

I just looked at the ground. It’s pretty pathetic when you’re best friend is as clueless as mine was. I had half a mind to take off and just end it now. But there was too much of a chance that someone would come looking for me if I left upset.

“How about we discuss it in the morning when we’re all a little less drunk?” Cage suggested.
“Fine. But this isn’t over Shelly. I am so disappointed in you.” Morgan said before storming off to what I assumed was Lewis’ bedroom.

But it was over. I told myself, the last words my ‘best friend’ would ever say to me would be “I am so disappointed in you”. How fitting.

Cage took my hand again, he was telling me something about sleeping in a bed, and the floor because they didn’t have a couch. I wasn’t listening. I was mentally rewriting my suicide letter to Morgan. If I had time to re-write one, I’d be a lot bitchier to her. Instead of comforting her and telling her that she was a great friend – not to blame herself. I’d tell her that I bet she would regret the last words she said to me now.

Cage had led me to a small bedroom. The walls were gray and there were posters everywhere. I was exhausted, so I didn’t pay too much attention to any of them. I needed to sleep so I could wake up and get on with my schedule for the last day of my life.

“Thanks.” I said with a small smile. Before crawling under what I assumed were his covers.

I fell asleep quickly, but I was plagued with horrible dreams. Most of them revolving around Morgan. In the worst one – after I died everyone ignored her, and treated her like a freak, even Lewis left her because she was somehow tainted by my suicide.

I woke up in tears. Loud, ugly tears. Cage was beside of me in an instant.

“What’s wrong Shelly?” He asked softly putting is arm around me gently.
“I – I just had a bad dream.” I said trying to fight the tears, but I couldn’t stop them from coming. Normally I could suck it up and fake happy in seconds – but the thought of Morgan hurting because of me tore me apart at my very core.

“What was it about?” He asked his voice still soft. It was almost like he was trying to comfort a child.

“It was stupid.” I cried harder. Cage held me to him.
“Tell me Shelly, it helps to talk about things.” He said his fingertips traced down a scar on my forearm – from the last time I tried to kill myself. I jerked my arm to my chest.

“It was stupid, it was about Morgan and how pissed she is at me.” I said finally able to dry my tears. “I’m just a whiney drunk. And she’s right I know better” I smiled.

“Why is she so mad?” He asked catching me off guard.
“Because after my parents died I got a little crazy. I nearly got expelled from our high school because I was sneaking alcohol to class and one night while everyone was out I almost died of alcohol poisoning.” It wasn’t a total lie. I did develop an alcohol problem after my parent’s accident. But I almost died from overdosing on anti-depressants, and pain killers – but I did chase them with some fancy wine. The alcohol poisoning story is what Morgan’s parents and I told everyone else. Morgan knew the truth but chose not to believe it.

“Yeah, you need to stay away from the booze then.” Cage said he caught my eyes and I looked away. I didn’t like the way he looked at me – like he could see through every lie.

“I didn’t even go that overboard. It takes a lot to wipe me out. I just wanted to have some fun just one last time. Incase I have to leave State. And I just really needed to clear my head.” I lied again.

“You know – sex is great for that.” Cage said suddenly.

“What?!” I gasped and pulled away from him in disgust. Then it hit me – I couldn’t die a virgin. That would be horrible.

“I’m not lying! Sex is great for your mental health! They said so in psychology.” He gently took his hand and raised my mouth to meet his.

”Well, if psychology says it then it must be true.” I replied breathlessly.

“For the sake of the science we should try it out.”
“For the sake of science.” I smiled and kissed him back.

The next morning when I woke up tangled in Cage’s arms I hated myself. Ugh. Sleeping with Cage had been a mistake. A wonderful mistake. I blushed. But now how would he feel when I took my life the next morning? I wasn’t going to have time to write him a letter.

I untangled myself from him as gently as I could. He mumbled and then rolled over the face the wall. I smiled and kissed his forehead. It took me a moment to find my bag and then I hurried out the back door. I didn’t want to wake anyone up. I had originally planned to shower and get dressed at Morgans – where I originally thought I’d wake up. But after last night I wasn’t about to spend any time at all in Cage’s apartment. It was too risky.

The walk back to my dorm seemed to take forever. I pulled my clothes out of the bag and jumped into the shower. I tried to be quick - but careful. I wanted to look my best. I couldn’t explain why, but I didn’t like the thought of being found looking like a hot mess.

I had decided to kill myself at my parent’s house. It was just a few miles from State – and still abandoned. After they were killed in a car accident my Senior year I moved in with Morgan and the house stayed in ruins. It had been broken into several times and it was pretty gross. But it was home. I wanted to die somewhere familiar.

I used my key to open the front door and carefully locked it behind me. Despite being dirty and musty it still looked the way it had before my parents died. I had only taken keepsakes and some photos with me when I went to live with Morgan. The furniture – clothes and everything else was still there. The same as it always had been. I fought back tears as I caught sight of an old photo of my parents sitting on the coffee table.

“I’ll be home soon mom and dad. Don’t worry.” I whispered. My heart was heavy. My life was great before my parents died. But after they were gone I was lost. I needed to be with them again.

I was shaking as I tried to unscrew the bottle of pills. I wasn't afraid of death or dying. I had been preparing for this for weeks.

But the night before - with him had me all out of sorts. I took a deep breath to get my head together. Everything was perfect and my plan was flawless.

Until I heard a car door slam.
"Shelly?"

Their voices spread out around me - and I could hear the urgency in Cage's voice as he barreled towards the door. I didn't have time to think I just darted into the musty closet and pressed myself against the back wall. I shuddered and tried not to think about what was inside of the dark with me. I would not miss bugs.

The door swung open and I could hear his heavy foot steps on the bathroom tile. His voice was panicked
"Shelly!?" He stepped further inside and I heard him pace around the bathroom. I held my breath waiting for him to open the closet door and find me there.

"She's not here Cage." Morgan's voice came from somewhere else in the abandoned house.
"Yeah man, I'm sure she's at State sleeping off the hangover." Lewis tried to reassure him.

Cage hesitated, before agreeing and following the others outside. I waited patiently until I heard three car doors close and the car drive away. I sighed in relief and crawled out of the closet ready to end my life.

However, when I crawled out of the closet my pills were gone. I searched the entire house hoping they would magically appear. But they were no where to be found. When I heard the footsteps behind me I knew who it was.

"Looking for these?" Cage asked shaking the bottle in his hand.
I couldn't look him in the eye.

"Was the sex that bad?" He faked a laugh.
"No you idiot, this has nothing to do with you." I was pissed. Pissed at him for being there, and pissed at myself for letting my guard down with him.

"That's what you keep saying - in your letters."
I jerked my head up. "Why were you reading my letter!? Give those back to me." I growled. I was furious now, how dare he go through my things.

"Because I'm not stupid Shelly. I know the warning signs and I know that the quiet ones are quiet for a reason. The letters, they fell out of your bag last night. We must have kicked them under my bed when we were having sex. I found them this morning after I realized you were gone. You don't have to do this." He started. I rolled my eyes.

"Please don't even start that shit with me Cage. I'm an adult. I know what I'm doing."
"Do you?" He asked grabbing my arms and pulling my body to his. "I don't think you have a clue what you're doing. This isn't about you - you kept saying over and over 'this isn't about you, it's me.' When you die it effects the people around you.”

“I know that!” I screamed. “When my parents died it ruined everything. I just want to be with them!” I started crying in his chest. He pulled me to the floor and into his lap. He held me while I bawled.

“How did you find me? How did you know to come here?” I asked finally.
“You talk in your sleep.” He smiled. “But I’m glad you do.”

“Why do you care so much Cage?” I locked my eyes on his. Why did he care? Who was I? Other than a girl he had slept with the night before, and from the way he took control of the moment I was pretty sure it wasn’t his first rodeo in the bedroom.

“Because I like you Shelly. I’ve always liked you. You’ve just been too wrapped up in your problems to see it.” He told me.
“Oh.” I looked at the ground. I had no idea what to say. Part of me wanted to fight him and beg him to let me die – but another part of me wanted to stay in his arms forever.

“Look, Shelly – I know that you’re hurting. I know what it’s like to loose someone. It shakes your entire world, but I also know that suicide is worse. Loosing someone you love by their own doing is the worst feeling in the world. I know you think these letters will help everyone heal – but they won’t. No matter what you write down everyone you leave behind will wonder why? Why didn’t they notice you were acting strange? Why didn’t they make more of an effort to be there? Why didn’t you trust them enough to tell them how you felt.”

“I’m a failure Cage.” I whispered, resting my head on his chest remembering my nightmares of Morgan.

“No you’re not.” He told me. His hand on mine.
We just sat there in silence for a little while.

“I don’t know what to say.” I broke the silence. My thoughts were racing. I was more confused than ever.
[inside] “Just say you won’t kill yourself. Let me take you home. We’ll go out to dinner and talk to Morgan and then if you want to come back to my apartment you can stay so you won’t be alone tonight– no strings attached.” He said, his tone was final.
[inside] “I don’t know if I can do it Cage.” I admitted. I knew that I couldn’t. Not on my own.
[inside] “I’ll be right behind you, I won’t let you die.” He promised pulling me to my feet.