Diary of a Pessimist

By the time lunch rolls around I already want to either make everyone at school disappear or disappear myself – because either way at least I would be alone. It’s not even that anyone’s purposely trying to bother me, I’m not the type of kid that gets picked on or bullied, I just find the whole high school scene in general to be incredibly overrated. I’ve never had a girlfriend, and honestly I’m perfectly okay with that. It’s not like I’m gay or anything, I just don’t have the patience or the time to put into a relationship.

It seems that I’m the only one that feels this way though, because as I walk into the cafeteria holding my bagged lunch from home I can already hear a gaggle of freshman girls talking animatedly about some freshman guy. I purposely knock into one of them as I make my way across the crowded room without apologizing. She gives me a dirty look and makes a snide comment to her friend that I can’t quite hear, but I don’t care.

I find an empty table and sit down to enjoy my lunch in solitude, but I barely get to open my lunch bag when Annie flies across the room to sit down across from me. She doesn’t say anything, just sits there and stares at me. I refuse to give her the satisfaction that I actually care about what she is holding back from saying – I can tell she has news because of the way she’s practically bouncing out of her newly found seat - so I busy myself with emptying my lunch out onto the table. It’s only then that I realize I must have accidentally grabbed my little brother’s lunch from the kitchen counter, because I don’t eat ham and cheese sandwiches and I know for a fact it’s not what I had packed myself for lunch this morning. Perfect. I stare at the lunch, debating whether I should just suck it up and eat it or not, and finally I can’t take Annie’s excitement anymore.

“What?” I sigh.

I barely get to finish the word and she’s already answering me.

“Guess who got us volunteer hours at the hospital!” She gushes. “It’s going to be amazing it’ll be so cool to see everything happening first hand and it’s gonna look great on our college résumés!”

I decide I am, in fact, hungry enough to eat the sandwich even though I hate ham and nod slowly trying to look like I am actually the slightest bit interested in what Annie is saying. I can hear her still going on and on about the hospital but I’m not listening to her words. No, I’m thinking instead about how nice it would have been to eat lunch by myself, especially after the horrible Friday morning I had.

“Well, are you excited?” Annie’s question interrupts my thoughts.

Are you excited? Well, sure, I am excited for her. She loves volunteering and has been looking forward to hearing from the hospital for a couple of weeks now. Before I can answer her though, her words from before that I was only half listening to hit me. Us. Our. Realization dawns on me that I am included in this volunteer work at the hospital. I slowly place the now half-eaten ham sandwich down on the table, the little appetite I had for the sandwich at the beginning of the period is now gone.

“You don’t really expect me to go with you, do you?” I ask.

Annie stares at me blankly, clearly confused.

“Annie,” I say slowly. “Have I ever once told you that I am the slightest bit interested in working at a hospital? And have I ever once expressed my hidden desire to work there without being paid?”

All she can do is stare at me. Jesus, just say something, I think angrily.

Finally I realize she’s not going to answer my question, so I answer if for her. “No.” I say, a bit more harshly than I really intend for it to sound.

Still, she just stares; I can practically hear her thoughts racing around her head.

“But your mom said,” she finally begins.

Of course. My mother. I should have known the minute Annie had brought up volunteer work that she and my mother were behind it. My mother is still holding out on the hope that I’ll go to college and find a career so I can make something better out of my life. No matter how many times I tell her I am not going to college she doesn’t believe me. Even if I did have the desire to go and get a degree it’s not like we could afford to send me anywhere halfway decent anyway.

“Annie,” I say as calmly as possible. She stops talking mid-explanation. “I’m not going to college. And I’m sure as hell not going to volunteer at the hospital.”

Despite my insistence though, I find myself awake at seven in the morning on a Saturday morning, about to shower and get dressed to go volunteer at the hospital. My mother must have some sixth sense that can tell when I’m about to disobey her because the minute I had walked through the door after school yesterday she had reamed into me good. Basically it came down to either I volunteered at the hospital with Annie or I could sit in my room by myself everyday after school and every weekend for the rest of my life. When I told my mother that was fine with me she gave me a look that I swear could stop a cobra mid-death blow and so I ultimately agreed I would help out at the hospital.

So even as I am grumbling to myself wondering why on earth I’m awake this early on a Saturday I know the reason why. Trust my mother and Annie to ruin my weekend plans, I had been hoping to sleep in till at least twelve today. I shower quickly and throw on a pair of jeans and the first clean T-shirt I can find before heading downstairs to grab a quick breakfast. I eat a banana in nearly two bites and then go to the garage to get my bike out. Our family only has one car, and even though I have my license I know I won’t be driving until I can save up enough money to afford my own car plus the costs of insurance and gas by myself. It sucks, but I’ll just have to live with my eight year old bike for a couple more years.

By the time I finish the forty-five minute bike ride to the hospital across town I’m dead, and I still have six hours of volunteer work ahead of me. All I can think is that Annie owes me big time, and that she had better have the sense to not talk to me for the day. Which I know of course that she will talk to me no matter how much I plan on ignoring her, I guess I have to give her some credit for being so insistent, as annoying as it is.

Annie is already sitting in the lobby when I finally make my way into he building. She stands up and grins her horse smile at me in greeting, but I ignore her and stroll right over to the secretary sitting at her desk. She’s on older lady, probably around her mid-fifties, and she looks like those fifty or so years have been the most miserable and most difficult of anyone I know. Her skin sags way too much for someone her age, her hair is nearly blinding it’s so white and the corners of her lips seem to be turned down in a permanent frown. She’s on the phone, not even talking and I can’t hear anyone on the other side when I reach her so I smile at her and say hello.

She glares at me, and holds up a finger for me to wait.

I stand there for a few minutes, Annie hovering over my shoulder, before I try again.

“Um, we’re here to volunteer and I’m not sure where we should go.” I venture hopefully.

The secretary’s lips fall into an even deeper frown, if that’s possible, and she holds the phone away from her mouth to snap at me, “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

Annie and I stand there, awkwardly leaning against the desk, as the secretary turns away from us, still not saying anything into the phone and as far as I can tell not even listening to someone else talk through the phone.

“Is anyone even on the phone or are you just pretending?” Annie finally demands after another five minutes.

The secretary gives her a withering look and slams the phone down into its receiver.

“Who are you?” she snaps. “And why are you interrupting my work?”

Annie answers before I get a chance to yell at the secretary. “I’m Annie Renolds and this is Matthew Turner, we’re volunteering for Dr. Green for the next couple of weeks.”

“Third floor to the right outside the elevator. Pediatrics.” She snaps at us before picking up her phone again, without even dialing a number.

I glare at her, about to say something about her rudeness, but Annie grabs my arm and pulls me away, most likely to go hunt down where the elevators are. When we are a good distance away from the reception area she lets go of my arm and starts walking backwards so she can grin at me again.

“Excited to work?” she asks me giddily.

I give her a death glare that could probably match the one the secretary gave us.

Annie laughs as she turns around to walk forwards again. “Yeah, me too,” she sighs happily.