Just Let Go

“Oh my God! When you get out of here, we should totally go to my parent’s beach house for a weekend, again. We could go up to the cliffs to jump into the ocean and sit on the pier to watch the sunset. Just like last time.”

“Babe, it’s October. It’s cold enough without diving into water.” I laughed as I pulled him closer to me.

Cameron nuzzled his face into my neck, his warm breath hitting my sensitive skin causing a shiver to run down my spine. We’ve been together for two years and he’s still able to have this affect on me, though I’m definitely not complaining.

“But Tyler, then we’d get to warm each other up!” wiggling his eyebrows with a smirk, it was clear my boyfriend had one thing in particular in mind.

I pressed a kiss to the side of his head before whispering, “well, that does sound rather tempting,” in his ear.

His deep blue eyes sparkled like the water on a Summer’s morning; the shimmer highlighting just how magnificent the deep mere was. It was a charming place to go and get away from everything, and with my boyfriend there it made it all the more beautiful.

I’ve never been great at swimming, being in the water pretty much terrifies me, so there had been a few times where Cameron had to save me from drowning. But he loves that kind of thing, and with his soothing words of “Let go of the fear, Tyler. Just let go.” I would continue to jump off the ledge into the sapphire depth with him. And I would do the very same now.

But I can’t. And I wont ever get to do so again.

The ’lifesaving operation’ my surgeon would go on and on about hasn’t worked. The cancer is still flowing through my veins, riddling my body with the vile disease. There’s nothing more that can be done. It was my last chance but now it’s just a waiting game. They say I probably wont make it through the night, and deep down I know they’re right. I know that I cant hold on much longer.

My mom and little sister are devastated beyond words. Haley will hardly speak, and I honestly don’t think I’ve seen my mother cry this much since my dad passed away a decade ago. They’re already mourning me, and that’s why I haven’t told Cameron the truth. I need the love of my life to keep smiling like he‘s the happiest guy in the world, to keep laughing like he‘s free of all his worries and fears, and to keep planning our lives together like there will be a future with me in it.

To tell him the truth, to admit that I’m dying and there’s nothing anyone can do, would make it all even more real. The pain, the sickness, the medicine, the surgeries, and the tears make it obvious to me that it’s over. But to tell Cameron and to see the heartache in his ever vivacious eyes would kill me right then and there.

So, as long as he’s smiling his heavenly grin, my woes are gone and the pain I feel is numbed.

The blonde boy carried on writing his English essay with ease while I memorised every last detail of this moment before it was over for good. I don’t want this to end but I know I can’t change the outcome. I’ve accepted my fate even though I wish it wasn’t true.
I especially don’t want to let go of this moment - of this life - with Cameron. But I can feel my world growing darker as time goes on. And he’s noticed.

“You look really tired, baby.”

I looked down and drowsily smiled at him, “It’s just been a long day.” I don’t have it in me to tell him that I’m exhausted. That I can’t fight much longer.

People, like my mother, may think it’s wrong to hide this from him but it’s better for me. I get to live in a fairytale for my last few moments. A place where there is no misery, just a happily ever after.

“You know I love you more than anything else in the world, right Cam?”

“Of course. It’s the same amount of how much I love you.” he grinned, pecking me on the lips. “And I can’t believe you just called me Cam! What happened to the whole ‘shortening the name your parents gave you is stupid and disrespectful’ malarkey?” he laughed, poking me in the side.

Chuckling, I answered, “there’s a first time for everything.”

“Too right!” Cameron nodded, letting one of his hands run over my bald head as I shut my eyes and enjoyed the feeling. “I can’t wait for your hair to grow back so I can see what your natural color is.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. My hair has always been natural…”

With my boyfriend snorting out a laugh, my eyes quickly opened to catch the moment. “Oh yeah, because black and green hair is totally normal.”

“I’m appalled that you don’t believe me!” I gasped, exaggerating my faux shock. This just made Cameron bite his lip, trying to keep from laughing as well as hide the smirk.

He tossed his notebook and pen to the foot of the bed then turned his body to face me more. “I’m so, so sorry, Tyler. How can I ever make it up to you?” he spoke slowly, trying to be seductive as he slipped his hand under my hospital gown and trailed his fingers up and down my ribcage.

Though he was a terrible actor, it sure did feel good.

Deciding to play along, I relaxed further into the mattress. “Hmm…I’m sure we can come up with something.”

Cameron hummed in response before his velvety lips were on mine, letting them mould together. My hands went straight to his hair; my fingers knotting themselves into his golden locks while my tongue swiped his smooth bottom lip, asking for entry. His mouth immediately parted and our tongues were soon entangled, moans and sighs filling the room.

A couple minutes into the kiss we pulled apart for air, our lustful eyes gazing into the other’s until my boyfriend left a trail of kisses from my mouth to my throat.

Going straight to the sensitive part of my neck that emits the most noises from me, Cameron sucked and nipped at the skin. And soon enough, my eyes were closed tightly as I tried my best to suppress the moans of his name.

It was clear my boyfriend was going to leave a mark - his mark - on me, and I couldn’t be happier. My body will remain his forever more.

Someone clearing their throat suddenly interrupted us, Cameron almost falling off the bed with fright. His cheeks were flaming red but all I could do was laugh.

“I’m sorry boys, but visiting hours are over.” the nurse announced.

“Aw what? Can I not stay another half hour, please?” Cameron asked with a pout and the full force of his puppy dog eyes.

The woman laughed as she checked my chart. “I gave you that an hour ago, Cam.”
“Or… or can I stay the night? I wont be any trouble at all, I promise!” he pleaded once more, but this time it was my turn to decline him even though I didn’t want to.

“Babe, you’ve got school tomorrow. You need a good nights sleep, and I feel like you haven‘t had one in quite some time.”

With a huff he agreed and when the nurse left the room, it was time to say my last goodbye to the boy I love.

“Ugh, I hate school! Why can’t I just stay here with you?”

“Because the world hates us.” I chuckled.

“So very true, m‘dear! I suppose I better get going before the nurse kicks my ass,” he grinned, getting off the bed to put his shoes on. He gathered up his things and stuffed them in his backpack before leaning over and placing the most perfect kiss on my lips. “Sleep well, okay? I love you, Tyler.”

I nodded my head with a smile, and though not wanting to speak my final words to him, I knew I had to. “I will do.” I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a breath. “I love you too, Cameron.”

He grinned at me with happiness radiating out of him before walking out the room, leaving me with more pain than the cancer. A sob tore out of me as I released everything I had been holding back from him; the tears falling so fast that they instantly replaced the ones I wiped away. It all just made me even more weaker than I was.

I knew the end was close.

With the strength I had left, I finished off the letter I had written for Cameron. It was a goodbye letter, one that explained everything I couldn’t say to his face. It described why I kept the truth hidden from him, how he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and that he’s made me a happier and better person. And even though I love him unconditionally, I want him to follow his heart and not be alone forever, because I know he can make someone else as happy as he made me.

Just as I put the folded piece of paper in an envelope, the door to my room opened and my 14 year old sister walked in.

“Hey there, baby girl.” I greeted, giving her a warm smile as I patted a space on the bed for her. “Where’s mom?”

“She was getting coffee or something, last time I checked.” Haley murmured, sitting down crossed legged. “You look shattered”

“I am. But it’s okay. I know everything will be alright.”

It was silent for a few minutes until I heard my little sister sniff. “I’m scared, Tyler.” she spoke softly, a couple tears falling from her chocolate brown eyes.

Leaning in closer to her and wiping them away softly with my thumbs, I sent her a reassuring smile. “I’m scared too,” I whispered. “But I’ll be with dad looking down at you and mom, watching you grow up to be a beautiful woman. I‘ll be up there keeping an eye on you all.”
It was now my turn to let out a few more tears, my strong, brotherly façade diminishing. “Look after mom, okay? And live every day like it’s your last. Don’t waste it because before you know it, it’ll be over.” I looked over at the picture of Cameron and I that sat on the bedside table, a sob escaping me. “And never be afraid to fall in love.”

She nodded her head before reaching out to me and pulling me into a hug. I was quick to wrap my arms around her waist and bury my face in the crook of her neck, the sound of us crying being the only noise.

It made me realize that the suffering and agony will be gone on my part, but my family and friends will have their own turmoil to endure. If I could, I would take their anguish to the grave with me.

We released one another after a good few minutes, the need to lie down and rest overwhelming me.

***

“Okay, Tyler. I’m just going to give you some more morphine to ease the pain. If you need anything else, just give us a buzz.”

“Thank you, nurse.” my mom replied as the older woman exited the room. I could feel it starting to take affect, and if I thought I was drowsy before, I was practically asleep now.
As time passed, I knew it wouldn’t be long. I had accepted what was going to happen, though I doubted my family truly had.

“Honey, you should get some rest.” my mom said and I knew it was her way of telling me to let go. Her voice was quivering as a single tear slipped down her face.

“Yeah, I know. You guys should, too.” the words came out slurred but the two of them nodded with tears in their eyes and comforting smiles on their faces. “I love you both so much.”

My sister spoke first with tears streaming down her sweet face. “I love you, too.”

“I love you, baby.” my mother replied, her hands holding one of mine.

I gave them the brightest smile I could manage then took one last look at the photo of my precious Cameron.

I closed my eyes to the sound of my mother whispering, “goodnight.”

Let go, Tyler. Just let go.

And as I drifted off into an endless sleep, I dreamt of the future I would not have.