Wanted

Nine days. Fourteen hours. Thirty-two minutes.

Eliza inhaled. It was all she could do: breathe. There was no feeling anymore…just the realization of time passed. The rain bounced off the ground and hit her legs but she didn’t care. She wouldn’t have cared if the rain hit her but Thomas was holding the umbrella.

Numbly, she lifted her eyes to look across the group at the four men standing there, no umbrella, rain-soaked in their suits, stone-faced as they stared at the hole in the ground while the pastor spoke. She saw Brian’s Adam’s apple move as he swallowed and she felt the urge to run over to him but she didn’t. He’d distanced himself from the group from the moment he found out and Eliza had tried to speak to him with no results. He holed himself in his house, not letting anyone in. Beside them, holding onto Zacky’s hand was Jimmy’s mother with tears rolling down her face. Eliza’s heart broke a little bit more.

Finally, the pastor finished his speech. Eliza watched as the casket was slowly lowered into the ground. Her vision grew blurry as she realized her bottom lip was shaking uncontrollably. She felt the tears falling onto her cheeks but she did nothing to stop them. Thomas grabbed a hold of her hand but she couldn’t bring up enough strength to squeeze back.

It happened all at once, the final realization that Jimmy was…gone and her sob broke the silence. Four pairs of eyes lifted to her face as her hand came up to cover her mouth. She couldn’t see anymore, her vision so clouded with tears and she felt her body start to rock back and forth.

She blinked enough to clear the tears and realize they were finished lowering Jimmy down and from somewhere she heard a scream. More tears fell as someone wrapped their arms around her and she was able to tell from the size of them Matt had come over. It was then that she realized it was her screaming and not someone else.

Nine days. Fourteen hours. Forty-five minutes.

She buried her head in Matt’s shoulder and finally cried as hard as she could. They stood there for a few minutes before she was able to calm down and when she looked up, she saw Brian staring at the two of them, tears in his own eyes. Neither of them made a move to go to each other, but when people started leaving, Brian turned around and slowly made his way to his car. Michelle, who had come in for the funeral, saw him leave and followed him, climbing into the front seat of the car. Eliza was glad someone was going with him.

She walked between Thomas and Matt who was holding Val’s hand as they made their way to Matt’s car. As she shut the backseat door, she glanced once more at the plot through the rain to see Zacky and Johnny, still standing with Jimmy’s family, his mother still crying.



Later that day, after Eliza had fallen asleep in her dress on the guest room bed, she pulled herself from the covers. She unzipped her dress and found some sweatpants in her suitcase and donned them. She threw her hair into a bun and slipped on her glasses.

Padding her way downstairs, she heard the television quietly playing. Thomas, Val, Matt and Zacky were sitting on the couches. She quietly said hello to everyone and moved to the kitchen. She’d promised she’d make dinner for everyone and glancing at the clock, she knew she needed to get started.

Coming into the kitchen, she found Katie making a pot of coffee. At the sound of someone entering, Katie whirled around. Eliza stared at her as Katie shifted nervously. When she’d gotten back to California after the news, Katie hadn’t spoken to her, making her angrier than she had been before. Val had all but groveled for forgiveness but Katie hadn’t spoken to Eliza since the phone call.
“Eliza…I’m sorry—”

“No, you’re not.”

Eliza paused at her interruption and started at Eliza’s tone. She’d never heard such venom in Eliza’s voice, especially towards her.

“Eliza…”

“You’re not sorry, Katie, and don’t even pull that bullshit with me. Do you really think you’d be apologizing today if the circumstances were different?”

Katie flinched at her raised tone and knew that everyone in the living room could hear them.

In reality, Zacky had muted the television the moment he saw Eliza come down the stairs and head towards the living room. All of them flinched as Eliza ripped into Katie. Val stood up to intervene, but Zacky stopped her, knowing they needed to do this.

“Eliza, I was going to apologize the next day but you were gone.”

“Yet, funny enough, I remember being called a slut on Christmas Eve. Isn’t that a coincidence?”
Katie shifted uncomfortably, but knew Eliza was right.

“I really don’t know…what came over me…”

“I’ll tell you what came over you,” Eliza said, moving past her to get a cup of coffee. “You didn’t like the fact that I hadn’t told you something and you fucking snapped. You said some shitty things about being a best friend, but you and Val both sat there like I was Amber or some shit and fucking disrespected me. That is not something a best friend would do, Katelyn.”

“You’re right,” Katie said, her eyes clouding with tears. “Brian kind of laid into us after you left. He was completely right, of course, and made me rethink my position. The night we had the fight, Zacky left me, too.”

“He left you?”

“Well, he left the room. He slept on the couch because of how pissed he was at me for treating you like that. I guess when I saw you and Brian together, it reminded me of how pissed I was that you didn’t tell me and I just… said that.”

“That doesn’t make it okay, Katelyn,” Eliza said, leaning against the counter.

“I know, and I don’t want you to forgive me for it. I just…I just wanted you to know I’m sorry, okay? I said some fucked up things and I was a horrible friend and I realize that if it weren’t for you I wouldn’t be where I am today. I have you to thank for a lot of things and I was a shitty friend.”

“You can say that again,” Eliza said.

“I don’t…understand why you didn’t say anything before, though.”

“You know…I thought about that, too. What you did and what you said hurt me more than both times I broke up with Brian. Yes, I was…heartbroken over what he did to me, but you’re my best friend. You don’t really expect shit like that to happen with someone you consider your sister. I just finally… after all of this and after you stopped avoiding me, felt I needed to say something.”

Katie nodded slowly and Eliza saw the tears in her eyes. She almost gave in then and there, considering this was the first fight they’d had, other than what movie to watch on Tuesday nights in college when they didn’t have classes Wednesday morning but she didn’t. Katie needed to understand what she’d done.

Eliza stood there pinching the bridge of her nose minutes after Katie had left the room. She heard someone clear her throat and she looked up to see Matt standing in the doorway. She weakly smiled at him and he came all the way in.

“Can I show you something?”

“I was just gonna start dinner,” Eliza said, hooking a thumb over her shoulder.

“This won’t take long, I promise.”

She nodded and followed him out of the kitchen. He opened up the door to the basement and let her go first. Her chest hurt as she took the last few steps into the basement where their makeshift studio was still set up.

Matt pointed to a chair for her to sit in and she realized he was sitting her down in front of the computer.

“Matt…I don’t think I can do this.”

“Just, listen, okay?”

She sighed and sat down but in her heart she knew what he was going to play. He was leaning over her as he double-clicked on a song and the piano started to play. Seconds in, Eliza was a wreck; tears streamed down her face and her hand covered her mouth to keep from crying out. Leaning back over her, he paused the song just before the lyrics started.

“You’ve heard this before?”

Eliza raised her eyes to him before she clicked “play” on the computer. When the voice came on, she sang along perfectly, albeit shakily, with the words. Matt was stunned.

“He didn’t give this song to us until Christmas, E. How did you hear it?”

“When ya’ll came to New York and he stayed with me… We worked on this song all morning the day of my release party. ‘Death’, he called it. He told me I’d cry when I heard it and I didn’t…but I don’t think I’d ever be able to listen to it again without crying now.”

Jimmy’s voice rang out “when I’m not with you tonight” and a sob came from Eliza. She felt Matt’s arm on her shoulder and she whirled her chair around. Standing up, she buried her head in his chest and cried. Every once in a while she could hear a sniff come from him as they let the song play out.

Nine days. Twenty-three hours. Sixteen minutes.