Remembering Sunday

I woke with a start. Where was I? I looked to my left only to see a face that wasn’t even vaguely familiar. Another one night stand to add to my shameful and ever growing list. I got dressed as fast and as noiselessly as I could, I didn’t want to wake the sleeping girl and have to mention that I had no clue who she was. I slipped on my shoes as I walked through the doorway.

Out in the crisp morning air I realised my head was pounding an unwelcome reminder that my self-induced chemical coma was beginning to wear off. With that realisation came the crippling memories of her.

I gasped for breath that should be coming easily as I remembered the argument that had led me to saying some things that I regretted so badly that I’d forced myself into a drunken stupor and slept with anyone who would oblige. I could still taste her, still hear her voice.

“Love doesn’t exist.” She’d told me that morning.

We were at our usual diner, in our usual booth. Me eating bacon and eggs while she only had the two eggs, just like normal. I wish the rest of that breakfast had gone like normal. I wished we hadn’t fought.

“Yes it does.” There she was, the girl who’d made me believe in love, telling me that it wasn’t real.

Before her the concept of ‘love’ has seemed ridiculous. She’d convinced me of its existence the moment she walked into my life and changed it forever.

“How do you know?”

Her eyes had glinted in the poorly lit diner, she was issuing a challenge. I decided to call her bluff.

There was no denying the way I felt.

“Because I’m in love with you.”

She’d yelled at me after that. Called me a liar and accused me of a few things before storming out. I chased her, desperately wanting to make things better, but I only had her apartment door slammed in my face. I yelled at the door as it remained closed. It was early in the morning so the screaming woke the neighbours. She didn’t answer me, didn’t let me in.

The boy who didn’t believe in love had fallen in love with the girl who didn’t believe in love.

I’d given up on her then, I’d walked away; I’d just proven her right though. Now I was going to prove her wrong. It had been a few days, maybe she’d cooled off. Maybe she was as sorry as I was. I hoped she missed me as much as I missed her.

I wasn’t going to let her get away. She was the only girl I had ever loved and I didn’t think I’d ever really love another so I had to try my hardest.

It took a while but eventually I got to her apartment. I knocked on the door and prayed she’d answer it this time. There was no sound, no response. I called her name I begged and then a door opened, but it wasn’t the one I’d been expecting.

“If you’re looking for the girl, I’m sorry, but you aren’t going to find her here anymore.” The old lady from next door told me.

“What happened? What do you mean?” I asked her, as my stomach clenched into a knot and I suppressed the dread rising in my throat.

“She was such a lovely girl but they found her last night. Poor thing. Said she’d over dosed on some sleeping tablets. Such a shame.”

“No.” I continued pounding on the door. “Jasey, Jase! I’m sorry, please open the door. Please. I take it back, if that’s what you want to hear then I take it back. I take it all back. Please just open the door.”

I don’t know when the tears had started to fall. It was probably when the lump had formed in my throat. I’d known then. Even if I didn’t want to admit it, that was when I’d figured it out. I refused to accept it though. Maybe it was all just a hoax too get back at me for saying what I said. Maybe she was still mad.

“So, so sad.” The old lady from next door said before returning to her nondescript apartment. The door shut and the thud hung in the air.

Without another word I turned and walked out the building and I went home. I walked on auto pilot; having walked the route so many times that I’d memorised it. I could have walked the distance of my apartment to her with my eyes closed or even in my sleep.

As I walked it began to rain. Not so much rain though as pour. It drenched me to the skin in mere seconds, it didn’t bother me though. My body had lost all warmth the moment my stomach had dropped out of my feet.

The rain washed the tears from my face and it all seemed like some cosmic joke. Like the weather wanted to match the way I was feeling. Like in movies when there is a funeral and it rains.
When I got to my door I barely even registered unlocking and opening it. My apartment was dark and colder than I remember it ever being. I dropped my keys onto the stand just inside the door and sunk down to the floor. My knees curled up to my chest and I felt small, almost like I was five years old again.

When I finally looked up I found I could see directly into my kitchen. Sitting, propped up on the table was a white envelope. ‘Alex’ it read in her writing. With unsteady legs I picked myself up and walked over to the table.

With shaking hands I picked it up and took out the sheet of paper inside. The only thought going through my head ran along the lines of ‘this has to be some whack dream. I must be too drunk and guilty to actually come up with a normal one.’
I exhaled shakily and read the letter in my hands that was very real.

“Dear Alex,
I’m not coming back, forgive me. I’ve done something so terrible. I’m terrified to speak but you’d expect that from me. I’m mixed up, I’ll be blunt, you’re driving me crazy. Now the rain is just washing you out of my hair, and out of my mind. Keeping an eye on the world, from so many thousands of feet off the ground. I’m over you now, I’m at home in the clouds. Towering over your head.
You were right Alex, love is real. I love you. Always have, always will.
Jasey.”

How could she say that? How could she say that she was wrong and that she loved me back, but then go and off herself anyway. I was angry. I was heartbroken. I was indignant. I was terrified. I was alone.

“I already miss you Jase.”