Without You It's Hard To Survive

“What the fuck is your deal bro?!” I guess you could say I was a little pissed...Damien's had his panties in a twist these past couple days and him knocking a plate off the counter then leaving me to clean it up is the last straw.

Today has just been one of those days where everything goes wrong and just gets worse. I got like no sleep last night, I'm pretty sure I broke my pinky toe this morning, I broke three nails, that's no biggie right?...wrong, I broke them past the quick so it hurt like a bitch! I even smashed my left thumb so it looks all gnarly, Murphy knocked me on my ass so that's bruised, Sugar pretty much attacked me so my arms are all scratched up, plus he bit me a couple times and brought blood, those bastard ferrets tripped me while I was carrying a basket of laundry so not only did I fall I broke the basket with my face. Rifty and Wink decided the would “play” so I have scratches all over my legs from them jumping on me, I've got a gnarly headache, gashed my leg open in the shower shaving, then I fell out of the shower and banged up my knee, and to top it all off Cam has to leave tomorrow morning.

Damien just rolled his eyes and tried to walk away but I threw a larger piece of the already broken plate back at the ground so he would look at me again, it worked, “seriously dude, tell me what the hell is your problem? You've been acting like an ass towards me for a couple days now and I wanna know why.”

“I don't have a problem but you seemed to be pretty pissed about something,” Damien just smiled at me and it only made me madder, liar!

I looked at the floor then back to him,”pissed? Naw, in pain? Oh yeah. Sad? Just a little. Tired of your bullshit? You bet! I have had one hell of a day so please go a head and tell me what I did piss you off.”

I couldn't help but to be a little snarky...this didn't bother him though, he knew how I got when I'm mad. Damien chuckled a little but it wasn't a good, silly chuckle, “awe, you had a bad day? Why don't you just run off to your piece of Aussie ass and let him make it better?”

Wow, really dude? You're gonna stand there, make fun of me and bring Cam into this for no reason?! Cam was out at Bilko's making sure he packed everything since that's where he actually staid most of the time he was here and because Bilko was the one who had to take him to the airport in the morning.

“I didn't say a damn thing about Cam so what does any of this have to do with him,” I crossed my arms and shifted my weight to one leg, Ashton, Tiffany, and Wes all peeked around the corner slowly to see what was going on.

Damien looked at me like was stupid,”do you really wanna know what my problem is Shelby?”

I pushed out a chuckled and nooded,”yeah! I've only been trying to get you to tell me this whole time!”

“I don't like the fact that you're going to Australia and it's not just because it's with Cam but because if something happens there is no way of us knowing and no way of us being able to save you! You and Cam haven't been dating very long and you're already willing to ship off with him like it's no big deal, we don't know him that well Shelby,” Damien's tone was close to yelling but I didn't understand why.

“We've known Cam for almost five years Damien. Five. Years. Don't you think that's long enough to consider a person safe? Not to mention I think I'm old enough to make my own choices, besides what's your beef with him all of sudden? Last week you two were kicked back on the couch, drinking beer, and watching t.v. together like you've been friends for five years,” I don't know what Damien's real issue right now is but I do know he's beating around the bush about it.

Damien stood there for moment when Cam walked into the room then gritted his teeth and shook his head,”you know what never mind.”

I pulled back on his arm so he would face me again when tried to walk off,” no. Tell me right now, you started this now you finish it.”

“Fine. Five years may be a long time to know someone but how long did you know your father before he started-”Damien looked down at me as I stepped up to him toe to toe and got up in his face cutting him off while everyone else but Cam gasped then urged him to stop what he was saying.

“Don't you even dare compare Cam to him,” I yelled back him through gritted teeth and balled my hands into fist.

We both straightened our posture and scooted closer as if he we were two teenage boys that could take a swing at each other in any moment...and I was about too,”what's wrong Shelby? Don't think he couldn't do that to you? You realize he's just a guy and he'll eventually want to have sex right? What makes you think he won't either just take or find someone else? I'm sure you have thought about though, you always think about it! It's always there in the back of your mind, always has been and always will be!”

I let out scream as I shoved Damien backwards and went punch him but was quickly stopped by the arms of Wes and Cam holding me back. I tried to push through their arms but it was no use, Tiffany and Ashton stood in front of Damien holding his arms back as he tried to swing at me too. I screamed and tried to push away their arms again but this time so they would just let me go, “get off me! Get off! Get the fuck off me, please?!”

I kept pushing but they only held on tighter. Being restrained is one of the things that drives me crazy and into tears. Damien just stood there though, wiggling his arms as I squirmed in between Cam and Wes yelling and crying, while he smiled “whoa! I'm sure you've told him that before, probably part of some sick fantasy of yours, huh?!”

Tiffany slapped Damien hard across the face and Wes stepped away from me holding his hands up,”you know what asshole, you deserve what ever it is she does to you! You're supposed to be her best friend.”

I broke free of Cam's grip by sadly elbowing him in the stomach, I just stood there though...staring back at Damien, both of us breathing deeply. My whole body shaking with anger...with something beyond anger and rage and with pain...so much pain.

Looking back at Cam, who holding himself up by leaning on the counter and holding his stomach in pain, I had to bit my lip to keep from crying any harder. The expression of confusion, and pain and even anger on his usually happy, goofy grinning face completely tore me apart inside. He just heard my darkest secret...the reason I'm so fucked up...what I was going to tell him in a couple weeks, from my now ex-best friend. Tiffany was crying into Ashton's shoulder as both her and Wes watched me closely...they too were in shock but just as mad as me.

I sniffled and wiped the tears from my face then took a step towards Damien, hows face now looked like he was gonna puke, full of regret and terror of everything he just cause. He flinched when I raised my hand and ran my fingers through my hair to move it from my face,”you know what Damien? I could beat the shit out of you and I could make you feel every single ounce of pain I was put through as child...but there is nothing in this world that could possible come close to what you just did to me. I thought you were a real friend...I even thought I knew you...but I guess you never really get to know some one.”

“Shelby I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I swear! Please-”Damien reached out for my arm but I stepped back from him and just shook my head no.

“No! Don't you ever touch me, don't ever speak to me, don't even think about me.” I swallowed hard and kept stepping towards the door that lead to the garage. I flinched when I felt the innocent touch of Cam's soft grip on my wrist and pulled my arm away quickly, “nobody. Touch. Me! Just don't, okay?! Don't... please?”

I grabbed my keys from the key rack the ran out and got into my car then drove off. I had no place set in mind, I just needed to get out of there. By the time I had finally stopped it well late into the night, nobody was at the lake and hopefully nobody would come looking for me. I made my way to the spot on the edge of the water that Cam had taken me just a few days ago...which was probably a bad idea because there were so many memories here. I had finally calmed down enough and got myself under control after a few more hours...it's just something about being near water that calms me. Plus the full moon lit everything up like magic and kept me distracted from all the feelings I had storming inside me.

I didn't bother to move when I heard rustling slowly grow louder behind me, I didn't care. It could've been a bear on the hunt and I still wouldn't have cared. I began to care fast when I heard a thick Australian accent call out,”hey Cam, I think I found her!”

I sighed as my heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach from hearing Bilko's voice then the loud, quick footsteps of someone running up to him then down to me and stopping by my side. I didn't look up...or move at all really. Cam sat to the left of me and watched as I looked out at the reflection of the moon on the lake. We stayed like this for a while, every so often Cam would raise his hand or move as though he were going to pull me into a hug but he never did.

I was tired of this silence...heck, I was just tired in general. I ran my fingers through my hair and exhaled quietly, ”I don't really remember much about it... People think I do and that's why I think it makes them treat me different but, I managed to block most of it out while I was little cause I knew it was wrong. When I think about it though it's like it's just a bad dream, I know it happened but I don't remember everything. I think that's kinda good in a way...maybe I can eventually forget about it like a bad dream, right? It only lasted a year or so, the verbal and physical lasted a lot longer. Actually the verbal was an everyday thing. I've accepted that it happened and in a way I'm over it but it's other people that can't seem to deal with it...like Damien.”

Cam didn't look at me till after I finished talking, “Shelby...I...I-I'm so sorry thi-”

“I don't want your sympathy Cam, not from you or anyone else and I don't want you to treat me any different than before, you promised me you wouldn't. It's like when ever some finds out they treat me like I have some kind of contagious disease. I don't and all I really want is someone there for me that's not going to look at me like I did something wrong or like I'm a piece of garbage. That's what really hurts because it makes me feel like I'll never be good enough for some one to-...to really love me...personality wise and...physically.” I began to choke up so I just quit talking then slowly started to cry when I looked over at Cam and saw that he had light bruise on his cheek. I reached up and lightly traced his jaw bone with my finger tips causing him face me, only to reveal a busted lip and make me cry harder. Cam pulled me into a tight hug thinking I would fight back.

I'm too tired to fight and I'm too afraid of losing him.

I return the hug and tightly wrapped my arms around his solid waste while hiding my face in the crook of his neck and him doing the same to me. I continued to sob as he just held me and repeatedly whispered, “it's okay.”

It didn't take long for me to stop crying, mainly because I was pretty well cried out. I heard Cam sniffle then clear his throat as he rested his chin on my shoulder and removed an arm from around me for a moment...Is he crying? Did I just make him cry?! Cam please don't be crying, I don't think I could live with myself if I caused you to cry.

I hugged him tighter and move myself closer, I didn't think I could move any closer to Cam right now without sitting on his lap but I did. He didn't seem to mind though, he just took a deep breath and let his arm fall gently against my back, “I love you so much Shelby...and I'm sorry that something like that happened to you no matter what you say. Nobody deserves that and you have to understand that what I heard tonight wasn't an easy thing to hear...it's all a lot to take in and...I honestly don't know what to say or think about it.”

Letting go of the hug I wiped my face with my shirt and cleared my throat before I sighed, “it's okay...I love you too.”