Status: Finished
The Mind Of An Addict.
1
I think about it sometimes, about the rush, the high and then eventually, the fall back down. How as it went on, it was harder to get back up, and easier to crash back down, how sometimes when life lost all meaning, all it took was a little prick of that needle to make everything, all the trouble, all the sorrow, seem far less important.
But that was before.
Before I met the man I thought was the love of my life, before I had a child with him, in hopes it would motivate him to stay. Before he walked out on me in the middle of the night leaving me with nothing but a kid and an addiction. Before I lost my child who I had finally grown to love, all because of the schmeck.
I was told I could have her back, if I gave it up. So I tried, I really did. But the nighttime was too just much and I couldn’t handle it. It started with cramps, leading to chills and then I started sweating all the fucking time. I started having these panic attacks, where I couldn’t breathe and there was no one to bring me back down because no one wanted to be around a dumb sleepwalker.
Yes, that’s right. I was just a stupid heroin addict who couldn’t take care of herself let alone a kid.
Then I had the seizure, and lucky me my neighbor heard, she called 911 and had me “saved”. I would have been just as, if not more, happy if she had let me die.
The doc told me if I stayed away from the chip, I could go on this drug called Naltrexone, but he wont let me take it from the pill, doesn’t trust me. Instead I go in to the hospital once a month and they shoot it into me.
It’s sort of reminiscent, if you think about it.
Anyways, the drug’s cool, I guess. I still cramp a lot though, right after I take it, and that kind of sucks.
I never got my kid back, either… I get to visit her once in a while, but her new parents don’t like me much. They look down on me, like just because I used to be an addict means I’m an overall bad person. Don’t they get it? I’m cured.
It hurts, that I’ll never get my baby girl back. She’s five years old today and I don’t get to see her on her birthday, how cruel is that?
Her new parents don’t want her getting too “attached” to me.
That’s what I miss about using. When I got down like this, it brought me back up.
Oh, hell. What’s one more hit gonna hurt?
But that was before.
Before I met the man I thought was the love of my life, before I had a child with him, in hopes it would motivate him to stay. Before he walked out on me in the middle of the night leaving me with nothing but a kid and an addiction. Before I lost my child who I had finally grown to love, all because of the schmeck.
I was told I could have her back, if I gave it up. So I tried, I really did. But the nighttime was too just much and I couldn’t handle it. It started with cramps, leading to chills and then I started sweating all the fucking time. I started having these panic attacks, where I couldn’t breathe and there was no one to bring me back down because no one wanted to be around a dumb sleepwalker.
Yes, that’s right. I was just a stupid heroin addict who couldn’t take care of herself let alone a kid.
Then I had the seizure, and lucky me my neighbor heard, she called 911 and had me “saved”. I would have been just as, if not more, happy if she had let me die.
The doc told me if I stayed away from the chip, I could go on this drug called Naltrexone, but he wont let me take it from the pill, doesn’t trust me. Instead I go in to the hospital once a month and they shoot it into me.
It’s sort of reminiscent, if you think about it.
Anyways, the drug’s cool, I guess. I still cramp a lot though, right after I take it, and that kind of sucks.
I never got my kid back, either… I get to visit her once in a while, but her new parents don’t like me much. They look down on me, like just because I used to be an addict means I’m an overall bad person. Don’t they get it? I’m cured.
It hurts, that I’ll never get my baby girl back. She’s five years old today and I don’t get to see her on her birthday, how cruel is that?
Her new parents don’t want her getting too “attached” to me.
That’s what I miss about using. When I got down like this, it brought me back up.
Oh, hell. What’s one more hit gonna hurt?
♠ ♠ ♠
That's it, that's all. Just felt like writing a little bit tonight, and addiction is something that fascinates me. I will update Andrew and Letters To No One tomorrow. xo