Truth or Dare

It's funny how mood changes with the weather. Bright and positive summer turns into cold, lonely nights. The flame has burned out of every emotion, and I feel numb. No more anger towards Pete, no more sadness and no more love. Any spark of life has been removed from my eyes, and no more tears can be cried.

It finally hit me a few days after our very public fight, I couldn't let Pete's toxic ways keep me down and out any longer. But of course it hurt thinking that, he had been my everything for the last four and a half years. I don't know how to function without him now, and it hurts me down to the core. And it's so fucking hard to imagine a future without him. But I have to.

There have been days of back and forth arguing with myself, trying to convince my weaker half that I need him and things aren't all that bad. But then my weaker side finally finds a voice and says any person deserves better than that. So many things are just jumbled up in my brain, writing doesn't even help sort the thoughts out.

Ryan had convinced me to get out of the apartment with him, he said it would be good for me. I always gave into his word, so we ended up in the park. He seemed to be in such a good mood today, it was refreshing. We were weathering out the storm together. In his hand he was clutching a picnic basket filled to the brim with my favorite things.

"You look beautiful today." Ryan smiled at me while pushing my bangs to the side. "Your eyes are so blue today."

I smiled at him while playfully pushing him. I needed to embrace every moment with him before he left for tour in a few days. We were laying down and looking at the clouds enjoying our time together.

"How do you not have a girlfriend? You're so fucking amazing." I said under my breath, not really realizing what I was saying.

He laughed "I've been waiting around for this one girl.." He trailed off, not looking at me. "She's amazing too, but she doesn't realize it. There is so much sadness in her and I just want to take it all away."

It was my turn to look away from him. He wasn't possibly talking about me, was he?

My thought was interrupted by Ryan's phone ringing.

"Hello?"

Ryan's face softend a bit. "Hey Pete." He sighed. He put up his finger to me and rolled his eyes as he got up and walked away.

I wondered what was going on in Pete's world. Knowing his brain he probably felt so alone and ashamed. I didn't want him to hurt. I shook my head feeling myself giving into him again.

Ryan came jogging back and tackled me as soon as he sat down. He tickled my sides taking all of my thoughts away.

"He wanted to see you."

"Oh." Was all I could say to him.

Ryan put his arms around me, "I told him it wasn't a good idea yet. You both need to heal and move on so this cycle ends." He gave my a quick squeeze of confidence.

***

We had gone to the studio to try and put some music to new songs. I really wanted to put out an album by the end of the year, which was a few months away.

I was fooling around with my acoustic guitar when Ryan gently shook my shoulder.

"We should get home Jules, it's close to midnight.. We haven't even eaten."

"What?!" I was so shocked that time flew by so quickly.

"Wanna grab some pizza and then head on home?" He yawned and looked at his phone. "Holy shit, I have like 20 new messages from Pete.. I wonder what's going on with him?"

I sighed, "God only knows."

My phone started to vibrate in my jacket pocket, I looked at the caller ID. "It says Saint Anthony hospital." I looked at Ryan confused.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Juliet Simms?" A professional sounding woman spoke on the other end.

"Yes, what is this about?" I question.

"You are listed as one of Pete Wentz's emergency contacts. He was admitted into the hospital about an hour ago on a failed suicide attempt. We need you to come do some paperwork."

"What.. Suicide?"