Healing Hearts

Sarafire did not know the Jedi that slowly walked in front of her very well. It was mostly because Master Yoda did not know her well either. He was supposed to know every Jedi who roamed the halls of the Jedi Temple, yet she had managed to fall between the cracks of the numerous beings who lived, eat, slept, and studied together. Of course he made rounds through all the classes of the younglies, but her classes rarely found him. In truth, there were classes he visited more often, usually the best of the students. She was not envious of this fact, but merely understood there were too many of the Jedi for him to know and she had gone unnoticed until now.

For the few times he did teach one of her Force or lightsaber classes, he seemed to not notice her. She was never called on by him and only talked to if she made a mistake. She was not the best or the worse in any of her classes, but when it came to the Force, she came in the last five. Even in telekinesis training, she had little control and a lot of power that earned her many saying about focusing her mind and calming her inner soul. She never really understood what he meant by it. She was able to get away with her confusion with careful acting of her mind and body. Until now, she was convinced she had fooled him along with the others that all was right with her.

Sarafire wasn’t sure where she was going. Master Yoda was leading her down a hall she didn’t recognize until they stopped at one door. It was then a flash of memory rush before her eyes.

She must have been five years old when she last stood at this door. She was very small, skinny, and had shining blond hair. She was with several other children her age, who she dared to call friends. It was play hour and the children had decided to go on an adventure. She hadn’t been sure about leaving the playroom, but the teacher wasn’t there and the door was unlocked. The five children, counting her, had decided to explore more of the temple in a hall that they knew nothing about. It was said that Master Yoda lived at the end of the hall and many stories were spun about what his room looked like and what happened if one went into the room. Sarafire had been scared by the stories of monsters and objects so powerful in the Force that they could destroy you. She had argued against going, but she wasn’t able to convince the others. So off the five children went.

The walk to the mysterious hall seemed to be a long one to the five year old Sarafire with her short legs. There were many stop along the way as the children were questioned by many knights and masters as to what they were doing. The children cheerfully answered that they were on an adventure to an unknown hall. Many of the Jedi smiled in a kind way to the small children and let them continue. Sarafire wondered why the Jedi didn’t send them back to the safe playroom instead of letting them risk their lives.

Half an hour later the children reached to the final hall and looked down past the many stones. There was a simple metal door at the end with no title or carvings to indict who lived there. There was also no one in the hall. The children stood at the end of the hall, listening carefully for any monsters. For a moment there was nothing to hear until a clear, loud yell, followed by words the children did not recognize came from beyond the door. Poor Sarafire was scared by the sound and nearly fled back to the playroom. The other children were equally as scared, but they were trying very hard not to show it. With whispers, the children slowly crept up to the door, prepared to run if the monster were to suddenly jump out from behind the door. They had reached the door and were whispering about if they should open the door. After much arguing, which Sarafire lost again, it was decided that one brave boy press the button to open the door and reveal the monster. The young child was trembling as he reached over his head and pressed the red, glowing button. Again a silence followed as the door slid open.

Another huge yell could be heard from beyond the door followed by more words which Sarafire later found out to be curse words. All five children screamed, certain it was the monster and four of them ran as fast as their little legs could carry. Sarafire was the only child left. She was too scared to move and all she could do was stand there, shaking like a leaf, waiting for the terrible monster to jump out and kill her.

Instead of a monster, the Master Yoda came out from the dark shadows of the room with a scowling face until he saw who stood there by his door. Suddenly, his frown turned into a smile and his spirit lifted with a kind joy. Sarafire looked beyond him for the monster and saw something behind the Jedi. She was dead sure it was the monster and began to cry in a helpless sort of way. Master Yoda looked behind him to see what had caused the girl to cry and saw a cleaning droid. He smiled again and calmed her down. He showed her the monster was really just an annoying droid who bumped into everything, including him, and was the cause of the loud noises. When she had dried her tears and drank a cup of hot, calming tea, she was lead back by him to her teacher, feeling a lot better and safer.

She gasped out loud as the memory finished and she flew back to present time. Here she was seven years later, feeling much like the last time. Only this time, she knew there was no droid acting like a monster. The monster was still there, lurking behind the innocent looking walls, but the monster was much more abstract this time. The monster was not in any concrete form, but shaped in a swirl mass of fear and anger. Again, she found herself starting to shake and the need to run was growing stronger each step she took.

Master Yoda noticed her emotional and physical reaction and stopped before he pressed the same old red, glowing button. He looked up at her taller form and smiled slighty at her.

“No monster you will find. Nor an annoying droid for me to yell at. Come, there is nothing to fear.”

She stared, purely in shock at him. She did not expect him to remember that event all those years ago. She began to wonder if the Master knew more about her than she had shown and furthermore why she was being lead to his chamber.

The door slid open as she finished her questions and the little Jedi walked into his room. She walked in, peering around very quickly to make sure her childish fears were really false. There was no monster or droid to be found as promised. The room was dark due to the pulled down shades. There were two meditation pads, a table, and one self with a few items she knew nothing about. The Jedi Master walked to one of the meditation pads and gestured for her to follow suit. She sat down and watched for a moment as the Jedi before her closed his eyes and began to meditate. It was then she remembered she was to meditate as well and shut her eyes.

She had no fondness for meditation, mostly due to her failure of closing off all her thoughts and only feeling the Force. She could feel the Force well enough, but it was the thought part that gave her trouble. For a while she tried her hardest to meditate, but in the end she sighed and gave up. Sarafire opened her eyes to look at a curious Master Yoda looking at her. She blushed as she realized she had sighed out loud and started to think of what she might say to cover her mistake. She did not have to as the master spoke before her.

“Troubled you are. Very troubled. Emotions swirl around you. You are unhappy with yourself.”

She opened her mouth to protest against the accusation, but closed her mouth. She had to wonder how he knew that in such a short time when she had said nearly nothing to hint that.

“Oh no. Nothing is wrong Master. I’m quite happy. I’m just a bit worried about missing that class. I wouldn’t want to get behind. But I am sure my teacher will not mind this meeting.”

These type of excuses always works on any teacher who held her back in a class, making her late for her next. The teacher would feel bad and let her go, usually without any punishment or warnings. She waited for the master to excuse her and let her slip away from this unpleasant conversation. But Master Yoda simply stared at her, obvious refusing to believe her lie.

“A Jedi does not lie, especially to oneself. What do you have to hide, young one?”

She was feeling very uneasy now. She did not want to answer the question. There were many things she had hidden from people and she did not want to tell her secrets to him, especially him. At the same time, she knew she could not found another way to talk herself out of this. Her acting would not work either. Her fear turned into panic as she stared at the large, green, kind eyes of the great leader before her. Surely, he could not want to her about her sad life, or how she was going to be thrown out of the order. She was not worth his time or energy.

“Padawan?”

Padawan was usually a word used to describe apprentices, but it was sometimes used to describe a student, usually to evoke an answer. The word made Sarafire all the more scared and she started to leap to her feet and flee the monstrous room. Instead, Master Yoda grabbed her arm and pulled her downward as she pushed up. The result of the movement was her sleeve was pushed upward, revealing the cuts and scars on her wrist.

For a moment there was a dead silence of fear and dread. She had no idea what the Jedi would do to her, but she knew she was in deep trouble. The master gestured her to sit down as he held onto her arm. Badly shaking, she sat down, looking at her own self inflicted wounds. Master Yoda pushed her sleeve further to see several more cuts on her forearm and elbow.

“Did this you did?”

She could only gulp and slightly murmur a shaky yes. She wanted to withdraw her hand from his and run. Yet, his grip was firm, but not painful, telling her he was not done.

“Why hurt yourself?”

In all honesty she was not quite sure. She found a sort of relief in causing pain to herself, but she didn’t know how to explain that. It seemed her wild emotions flowed out of her as did the blood did. She never bled much so there was no real danger in her activities. She was careful to keep the cutting to one arm and the razor well hidden.

“I-I just do. Please let me go! I promise not to do it again. Just don’t tell anyone!”

He looked up at her, letting go of her arm, with a very sad look in his eyes. She was not the first to take this road and the road almost always lead to death. She knew this, but she did not care. Death may be the best thing for everyone. She would not bother any more teachers and the students would stop their awful teasing.

“Come to check on you soon, I will. Do not cut again. There are other ways of making your pain go away.”

She nodded her head in thanks and stood up very quickly. She left the room in a rush, heading off to apologize to the teacher.