Only Baby Scars

The movie is half way through and I'm still wide awake. The snack idea sounds good, so i slide out of bed trying not to wake her. She doesn't even budge. Her microwave says its two fifteen in the morning. I look through her fridge and pick out some grapes and put them in a bowl. I see out the back window is a pool. I go sit by it and stick my feet in.

"Look at this night wanderer." I jump when I hear Austin's voice behind me.
"Felicia said I can have a snack or something."
"I'm kidding." He says sitting next to me. "I notice he's still in his boxers. "His chest is covered in tattoos.
"Did they hurt?" I ask. "I want tattoos too. I plan on getting a lot. But for now I want one."
"Really? Yeah they hurt a little." He takes a grape from my bowl. "But you get used to it. You'll want more after number one I promise you that." It's quiet for a minute. "So, you want to go swimming or what?" He asks standing up.
"I have no bathing suit.." I say standing up.
"So...?" He laughs I'm not putting mine on. He says as he jumps right into the water.
"Is it cold?" I laugh taking off my shirt and shorts.
"Nope." He says and I jump in too... and it's ice cold.
"Austin! It's freezing!" I say splashing him.
"I know I felt like if I told you that you wouldn't have jumped in.." He smiles, and splashes back.
We swim around for a while. We end up getting out and lay on the slightly warmer concrete.
"So Lea." He says. "How is Cali treating you?"
"Pretty good." I say. "It's nice."
"You have to let me take you to my spot."
"Where's that?" I ask.
"If I told you, I'd have to kill you." He says. "But I can show you." I'm laughing hysterically at the joke and I sit up.
"I think I'll take your invite Austin." I laugh
"Tomorrow then, around five." He says.
"Sounds good... I think I'm going to go use your shower now. " I stand up. "Goodnight Austin."
"Goodnight." He smiles up at me. I turn to go in and head for Felicia's room to grab some clothes and into the shower I go. After the shower I slide back into bed and shut my eyes.

The next day I wake up and Felicia is out of bed. I stretch and yawn and make my way out of bed. My stomach is rumbling and I realize that I'm hungry. I start heading down the stairs and I hear Austin and Felicia talking to each other.
"Yeah well Austin I just think it's messed up if you just try to get in her pants. Just because you need to get over Crissy."
"I'm not, I want to talk to her. Like, it's really hard to explain."
"You know she's a sweet person. I'm telling you if you try to hurt her."
"I just want to be friends with her." He says flatly.
"What about your best friend?"
"What about him?"
"You know he's interested."
"Yeah, but I am too... He left her last night. He went with his ex-girlfriend... She deserved it... I seen the whole thing."
"I know that."
"Then what's the problem?"
"Nothing. I just feel bad for Alan... I think he likes her."
"I love Alan like a brother but I don't know about that."

I can tell this conversation is about me. I don't know if I want to let them continue or intervene. I really don't want to hear it anymore. I cough loudly and walk into the kitchen. They stop talking and Austin opens the fridge.
"Want food?" I nod. "How'd you sleep... when did you fall asleep?"
"I slept good. I have no clue." I don't really pay attention to Austin, and I wonder if he's sticking with tonight's plans.
"I'll call you later when I'm outside to pick you up." Austin says reading my mind.
"Okay." I smile. Austin smiles grabbing his bowl of cereal off the table and heads for the stairs.
"What are you doing?" Felicia asks.
"What do you mean?"
"A date with Alan... A date with... Austin?"
"No. We're hanging out."
"Be careful okay." She says.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I think Alan likes you."
"I know, but he left with Angela last night. So I doubt that." I stand up. "I think I'm just going to get my things and go." I turn and run up the stairs really quick and grab my bag off of the floor. When I'm going to leave Austin stands in the door way.
"I'm not trying to get in your pants or 'steal you' from Alan, okay?" He rolls his eyes and says quietly.
"I-I know."
"Good... I-I'll talk to you later." He says before going downstairs.
"You don't have to go yet, I was just trying to help." Felicia says.

"I want to go home." I say flatly and I leave. I walk home by myself, and when I look down the street I see Alan on his porch and I freeze for a moment, but quickly go into my house. I wonder if he'll come after me, or knock on my door, or explain what happened to our date. I stand in front of my closed door for a moment and wait.

I stood there and waited. and waited. and waited. for nothing. I ran upstairs into my bathroom. I take out my hair and start the shower. I'm standing in the scalding hot water, it feels so nice. I get out and dry off, when I hear the doorbell. Has my mom forgotten her key?

I go down the stairs in my towel, and my curly wet hair. I open the door without checking and there's a head full of orange hair... Alan. I don't know if I should close the door or run upstairs or what.
"Is this a bad time?" He says putting his hair through his hair.
"Nope." I say. "uh come in." I move aside and let him come through the door."
"We just need to talk, I need to explain."
"That's fine... uh, upstairs?" I say. I think I should probably get dressed. I go into my closet and pick out a simple black spring dress. I grab my underwear and head to the bathroom. I quickly get dressed and when I come out, Alan is looking at old pictures of me I have on a cork-board in the corner of my room.

"You were cute."
"Yeah, I was in eighth grade. Eww." I giggle. "So? What is there to talk about." I sit on my bed in front next to him, he turns to face me.
"I had a great time last night. I didn't want you to think that, that whole argument... changed that." He looks up at me. "I just. I just don't know where I am in my head right now." He has to be talking about the Angela.
"That's cool." I say, and I feel like I want to cry, I feel the sting on my eyes, and the lump in my throat. I don't even know why.
"Hey." He gently touches my face. But I refuse to look up at him. I want him to leave, I don't want to talk to him. Why would someone bring you on a date and kiss you and decide they don't like you. "I want to be friends, I really like you but I don't want to date you if I'm not sure."
"Okay." I really couldn't say much else. I just felt the lump in my throat growing. Suffocating almost. I feel my eyes give out, they can't hold the tears anymore, and I feel them spilling out. I feel his hand on my cheek again and when I go to shake it away, he leans in and kisses my lips. I don't even think, because I'm so disoriented. We're kissing, the guy who just told me he wasn't sure, is kissing me.
"We shouldn't." I say. "This isn't what I want." I say. He looks down at his hands.

"I'm sorry." He says. I lean in and kiss him again, just because I want to. He pushes me back on the bed, and I know we shouldn't even get to this, but I'm having... fun. Imagine Angela hearing about his. I'm running my hands through his hair, he's running his hands down my body, I'm feeling a lot better than I was a few minutes ago.

He's kissing my neck, my fresh soft skin. Gently nibbling, making me moan. My hands are sliding down his back, grasping for more. He slides up my shirt kissing my stomach, following my shirt up my chest. He's kissing my chest, and tracing my bra. His hands are now wandering down to my panties. If this is his apology, I guess I'm accepting it.
An hour or two later, I am laying in his arms, on his chest. I think I hear my mom come home. I reach for my phone and it's her texting me. I tell her I'm upstairs with a friend. Since that's what Alan wants and stay nuzzled in his neck. He's tracing my skin with his fingers.

"You want to hangout later?" He whispers. I remember my plans with Austin, but I want to cancel at this point. I realize that, that would be a terrible idea. Austin was really cool last night. I wanted to get to know him.
"Maybe you should hangout with Angela. We're just friends remember?" I feel so weird. I met Alan three or four days ago and I just had sex with him. I am getting more angry at myself for what just happened. I let it happen, and I wanted it to happen at one point... whatever.
"Yeah. You don't regret what just happened... right?"
"No." I answer plainly enough, I decide I should shower again. I sit up and slide out of bed.
"Can I come?" A grin spreads across his lips. I nod and he follows. We shower, he kisses my neck, my lips. I realize I want a relationship, I don't want to have this little "friendship"... The benefits may be nice, but I've had that before. I want this to be real, and right now, I'm not feeling it at all. I just want something better than this. Someone that knows they like me. Knows it's me they want.
When we're both clean, and he's putting his clothes back on. I get dressed and sit at my desk to do my makeup. I realize Austin will be picking me up soon. I change into pair of jeans, a black tank top, but I put a hoodie over it.

"I thought we weren't hanging out?" Alan asks.
"I'm going somewhere with Austin." I say brushing my hair out and making a tying it behind my head with a hair-tie. I feel Alan watching me. He's burning holes through my back, I swear he is.
"Oh. Nice. Where to?"
"Mall or something, just to talk." I lie.
"Okay." He says. I can still feel him and I catch him when I look into the body length mirror on my closet door. I roll my eyes. He's starting to make me angry because he's treating me different than he was an hour or two ago. I sigh.
"Maybe you should go?" I say.
"Yeah I probably should... see you tomorrow?" He asks.

"Yeah... uh... Sure." I try to assure him. He kisses my cheek goodbye. Why? I have no clue. I watch him go, and I lay on my bed. I was pretty tired. I eat some food, and go on my computer, I listen to some music, and then watch some T.V. Eventually, I just remember closing my eyes and waking up to my mom telling me a tall guy was at the door. Austin. I jumped out of bed, and fixed my hair and makeup quickly when Austin was already in my room. I jump when I turn and see him checking out the room.
"Nice... This is where the magic happens." He laughs jumping onto my bed. I think about what happened earlier and cringe a bit.
"You mean.. nothing." I laugh. He lays across my bed. I'm wiping away the smudged eyeliner.

"You didn't have to do all of that." He yawns. "You looked good last night.. no makeup." He laughs and stands up, looking at my pictures on the walls. "Your mom's nice." He says. He's wearing tight black skinny jeans, and a hoodie. He seems taller than last night. I bite my lip thinking about our dip in his pool.
"So are you ready beauty queen?"
"Yes." I'm smiling again.

We get in his car and drive off towards... I don't even know. I'm sitting quietly, he changes the radio a few times. I'm just staring out the window, watching the unfamiliar places float by.
"Okay, we have to walk from here but I'm going to park. Ready?" I nod. He hands me a little blue flashlight and I stick it in my pocket. I follow him to a patch of woods which he leads me through this path. We're walking for a while, until we get to a fence. It's not that high, it's a bit taller than me. "Do you need help?" He asks before he starts to climb.
"Pssh." I giggle, I like this adventure. I star climbing up the fence, I get my leg over but the bottom of my pant leg gets stuck. "Uh... Austin." I say. "I'm stuck."
"I got you." He's laughing at me. He starts to pull it, and before I know it we're both on the ground, laughing hysterically. I finally get up dusting off and helping him, and he leads me away again. There's still a path. It's not dark yet, but I can tell in half an hour it will be. I follow along, through this empty Field, with grass up to my hips, I'm glad I wore jeans, though there's still a path through it. I keep hearing airplanes over head, every time I look up, it looks pretty close. That makes me nervous.
"We're here." He says, as we get through some more woods, and I see where he brought me. An old airfield. There's some abandoned mini-planes with broken wings around, and little places where they must have had equipment or something.
"Wow this is awesome." I say still following close to him. I hear more engines, and I am still a little scared.
"Yeah I love coming here, but that's not it." He laughs. "We have to get up there, but I want you to close your eyes in a minute.
"Okay." I laugh. We come to a building that is three stories high, but tiny. He opens the door a door, it's dark and I'll admit, I'm a little scared.

"Come on." He smiles. "I've been here a bunch of times, I promise you're going to be fine."
"I-I know." I laugh again nervously. I follow him as the door opens right up to stairs. We start climbing and when we get to the top, He tells me to close my eyes. He takes my hands, his hands big, soft and warm, he leads me slowly somewhere. I'm still a bit nervous, but his hands are reassuring, and calming. I feel the outside air again.
"Okay turn this way..." He pulls me to face the opposite way, and I hear his voice behind me now. "Open your eyes." He says and I listen and I open them. The sky is beautiful, the sun is almost setting, and it's all over an airport. You can see the planes taking off, and landing. It's a beautiful sight to see.
"Wow." I say.
"Good wow?"
"It's beautiful." I say. We sit on the ledge of the building, and watch the planes, and the sky.
"So Austin, how is Christina?" I ask,
"We only went out for a week." He says. "She was someone else when we started dating. Long story short, I had to end it."
"Woah." I laugh.
"How come you don't have a boyfriend... have you had one?"
"Well... of course. I had one." He starts laughing again, his loud, Austin laugh. "What's so funny?" I ask.
"Nothing, that's ridiculous."
"Well boys don't like me very much." I say, I'm watching another plane start to land.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Well, flat out. Boys don't like me... I'm a mess."
"Come on. You really think that?"
"I know that."
"So tell me about him."
"His name was Brendon, he was only an inch taller than me, he was my friend first. Uh... I don't know. Like I said... I'm messed up Austin."
"I don't think so."
"You don't know me." I say, sounding a bit harsh. I sigh. "Sorry, It's just, you don't know. And when you find out, you will run.... like everyone else."
"Doubt that... The running part." He adds quickly.
"Yeah, I'm sorry Austin but I've heard it a million times."
"Pinky promise." He puts out his pinky-finger and I'm hesitant... For some reason, I want him to know my past, my secrets, the real reason we left New Jersey. I wanted him to know, but I didn't want to tell him. I sigh again and link my pinky-finger with his. I don't want this to end.

"I don't know where to begin." I say.
"Can I tell you something?" He asks, and I nod looking to him. "Well, I've had some problems in my past. I don't let anyone in... But I'm going to let you in."
"You.. don't have to if you don't want to.." I say quietly.
"I want to.. but just with you." He says not looking at me and then straight into my eyes, and for the first time in a while, I feel something in my stomach flip around. I swear. I nod.
"Wait." I say. "Pinky." He smiles finally and again we wrap our pinkies around each other.
"So, First of all, I was adopted." He says. "I don't really tell people that, I just tell them, I stayed back. or something." He clears his throat. "You know, I feel like I was abandoned. My mother died when I was young... My father didn't want me." He looks down and at another plane taking off.
"I'm sorry." I say.

"We tell people that, I went to a private school, that's why I was never around until eighth grade." He giggles a little. "Silly isn't it? I just wish I knew why, I feel like I did something wrong, maybe I wasn't the best student at that time, or maybe I was to bad to deal with, but my father just left me. The Carson's, are my mothers friends and they promised her, they'd take care of me, so now I'm here." He says. He smiles a little. I don't even want to go into my problems just yet.
"Austin, your father was probably scared... I doubt he'd just leave you... have you tried to contact him at all?"
"No... I'm afraid of what will be said."
"How about we go find him.. together one day.."
"Maybe..." He gulps. "I-I don't know... Can you tell me now?"
"Okay. So... I-I almost killed myself." I put it out there as plainly as can be. "When I got into high school... it was problem after problem. People talking about me, being sucked dry by people I thought were my friends, I was to weak... I'm weak." I say.
"You're wrong." He says. "If you were weak you wouldn't be here right now."
"Yeah well. Even after, the bullying continued. I just needed to go far, far way."
"Look at me." Austin says. "If you ever feel that way again, you let me know and I will be there." I look at him skeptically and out comes the pinky. "These pinky promises are taken seriously." I had him my pinky.
"You know, I never open up to people, but with you... it was easy." he says. "Uhm. do you want to go get some ice cream?"
"My favorite." I smile at him. We head down the stairs, and back through the field. Its dark and I look above at the stars as I walk and then I feel my phone vibrating in my back pocket. I grab it and without looking who it's from open the text message.

I want to talk about earlier... It won't leave my mind.

Its Alan and I don't answer it, I slip it back in my jeans. We're back over the fence and through the woods and to the car. We head to a tiny ice cream shop and order chocolate cones. We haven't talked much since we got back into reality. I'm a little anxious, I just told him my secrets. He smiles at me and my heart flutters.
"What do you want to do?" He asks.
"Anything." I say.
"Anything?" he sits back licking his ice cream. I think he's thinking. I feel my phone again and its Alan.

You weren't at the mall.
why'd you lie?
it was a date. wasn't it?

I'm ignoring his texts, and I slip the phone back in my pocket. Was it a date? I don't even know. Austin hasn't told me what's next on our agenda. I don't know if he's still thinking or waiting for me to throw out an idea.
"Would you want to come to my house? We can watch a movie..." He says, again, like he's reading my mind. I shrug.
"Anything you want."