I'd Give Up Forever to Touch You

A month had passed, Samara was slowly adjusting to the school. She did good by befriending Monica and Monica’s friend Charlotte. Senior year would not be so bad after all.

Alec was out of the picture. She had never seen him around again. Only a vague figure of him that vanished as soon as she faced it. She knew it was him and she knew he was hiding from her.

It made her angry rather than sad. It was his problem not hers. If he wanted to play it this way then fine it was going to be this way. She never even mind to mention him to Monica and Charlotte.
Chapter Alec was done. There was no need to trust people. She was slapped in the face with the truth. But it also made her realize, the world will never change. She was tired to care about people who let her down. They were so many , and it would never change.

At home her mom was already making plans for the next year. The only reason she settled here was that it was better for Samara to finish high school first and here in this town they had a great opportunity for her mom. But her mom started to get restless again, and in desperate need to move again. Taking a step forward. This time to another country. South Korea.

Samara was scared. Moving from place to place was hard already. New people, new neighborhood. Moving to another country would be a huge culture shock. She didn’t know if she was up for it.

She already had shed a lot of tears. It was this big monster that was haunting her. She wanted to be that strong girl she build up from scratch over the years. But something this big was out of her power. And she felt like that little scared girl again from her past.

Time was so valuable at the moment. If she only could slow it down.

~*~

It was a cold, dark and rainy day. A day you’d rather want to spend in bed or snuggling into a blanket with a warm cup of tea on the couch. But today was the school’s annual P.E. day. A day to even get the fat kids run. ‘To make kids more aware of the daily exercise they need.’

Samara sighed. It was a mean thing to say such things. Even though it were only thoughts in her head. But she wasn’t very keen on sports let alone on a rainy day like this one. And all the fake smiles and slogans of teachers who want these things to be all about fun got also on her nerves.

Sam, her classmate from biology class stood also moping around not showing any sign of excitement. She couldn’t help but laughed. His face was priceless.

As expected all the games outside were canceled. All students were requested in the cafeteria. The coach of the cheerleaders squad explained what the backup plan was. The indoor games would still happen, next to that there would be more free time for the students and the day was going to be cut in half. That last announcement received a lot of cheering.

“I hope we are in the same team” Monica whispered to Samara. “Don’t get high hopes on the that, thought I would like it too yes.”

At that same moment Samara’s name was announced. Samara wanted to step forward when Alec’s name was also called. She froze. They were on the same team. In shock she turned around to face her friend who was just as surprised as her. “Good luck with that” she whispered after her.

Good luck. She felt like she needed more than that. Months had passed since she last seen Alec. The possibility as well as her desire of an actual confrontation with him grew smaller over these months. And now she abruptly had to face him. She didn’t know what to do or say, how to act. She had no time to prepare anything. Should she give him a dirty face, or just ignore him, maybe yell at him.

Ignoring was the easiest way. So she went along with that one. It wasn’t that hard since all the other team mates also ignored him. She felt bad for him, because she didn’t know why they hated him so much. But she had her reasons to ignore him so she wouldn’t aloud herself to show him her weakness.

Their team lost almost everything. But that was ok, they could laugh about it. Alec spend most of the time on the side line. He didn’t mind and neither did his team mates. His biggest nightmare became true. Being on the same team as Samara.

She didn’t even glance at him once. He was invisible to her. It did hurt him more than he liked to admit. But it was his own fault and he knew he deserved it.

He was captivated by her beauty. She hasn’t changed one bit. But it always took him by surprise. When did things started to get so messed up?

Volleyball was their last game. Both Samara and Alec were dying to get away from each other. Then something unsuspected happened. They both had to sit on the bench to wait for a turn. Awkward was an understatement.

Samara slowly peaked at him. He was watching the game, though his face stood forced. Anger was rising and she couldn’t take it anymore so decided to speak up.

“Did you lose your phone? I tried to call you many times you know.” She said her eyes also locked on the game.

Silence.

“Seems like you also lost your voice.”

After a while he finally started to talk.

“Samara, I’m sorry”

“For what? Not calling back? I don’t care about that. For ignoring me? Yes, that I do care about. Why? Maybe we were never best friends, and maybe I’m not the girl you like to be seen with since I’m the new girl. But what did I ever do to be ignored like this?” she spit out in fury.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” His voice sounded desperate.

She laughed bitterly. “Seriously Alec? That’s your excuse? Sorry, it’s me not you? What more clichés do you have on your sleeve?”

She looked into his blue eyes. They stood sad. He was in pain, she could tell. It was too much for her. And before he could answer she stood up and ran to the lockers to get her stuff.

Samara tried to get all her stuff in her backpack. Her hands were trembling and half the stuff in her locker fell out on the ground. She cursed. Today was a mess and she needed to get away. All those feelings she had for Alec that she thought she got rid of came back. She thought they were gone by now, but they were just hidden. It was confusing. She wanted to hate him and now these warm feelings came back. What if he really had a good excuse? Did she want to hear it? It was so much easier to hate him, and blame him than excepting the fact of a deeper meaning.

As she tried to pick up the stuff that fell out of her locker Alec came around the corner. He tried to help her by picking up some books that also fell out. It was not appreciated.

“Leave me alone, Alec.” She whispered because her voice started to crack. Tears were burning behind her eyes.

Alec kept silent and went on picking up stuff.

“Leave me alone!” she raised her voice, snatching a book out of his hands.

“Samara, I want explain, please let me explain. This is not easy for me.” His voice was desperate.

“Leave me alone, Leave me alone!” she screamed out of frustration. In a desperate act she dropped her backpack and ran outside into the pouring rain.

Alec ran after her and grabbed her by her left arm. At first she struggled but gave up the fight.
She was crying, uncontrollable yet it was not visible because of the rain.

At last Alec could tell his story. “look at me Samara!” he said as he grabbed her face forcing her to look at him.

“What did you do what makes all the students hate you so much?” she cried.

“I’m dying! Do you hear me, I’m dying!”

Finally he got her full attention.

“I’m HIV positive. The virus won’t kill me but it is demolishing my immune system. I got it a few years ago when I was hospitalized after a car accident. They gave me a blood transfusion that was contaminated. Ever since then my health became worse and worse with the years. I’m slowly dying. The fact that people hate me so much is because they have their own ideas on how I got it. They are disgusted by it. They are afraid of me. Scared that I will contaminate them too. Samara, I became so lonely and then there was you. I felt like I could make a fresh start with someone. I’m so thank full for that summer. But then school started and , and , and… you don’t belong in that world. It’s better for you not to be seen with me. I was afraid of that. I also was afraid how you would handle the truth. If you knew, how would you act!? I did not know what to do. So in the end I ended up ignoring you.”

He got it off his chest, he was relieved. Whatever her reaction would be he didn’t mind anymore. The truth was out and right now it was all he could give her.

There was a long silence. It started to make him insecure.

She opened her mouth to speak up but decided to close it again.

And then after another long silence she grabbed his hands and said: “I love you Alec.”

The boy was speechless. It was all he wanted to say to her that summer. Three stupid words. But he was scared to admit it. And there she was, saying it to him. And that after he told her he was dying and not able to give her anything.

His heart was burning. This girl was so beautiful.

In response of her confession he closed the space between them and started to kiss her passionately.