Status: Re-uploaded for colibri 20/09/12.
No Room for Ghosts
IV
It was past midnight. The smooth, carefully kept lawn was surreal in the mottling of silver light and shadows. Hills became stark, unnaturally rounded planes, and dips became lunar craters.
As we strolled around the forbidden grounds, we struck up a conversation. That was all I had really wanted from our meeting, and accordingly, I was more than happy to go on a graveyard hunt, or any other frivolous mission. As far as I was concerned, it didn’t matter what we did, as long as we were together.
‘It’s a great spot,’ Leanna piped up after a moment of silence, dragging me away from my thoughts.
‘Huh?’ I turned back to find her dancing along in the wake of my longer strides. ‘This garden, you mean?’
‘The garden and the cove. I love them both.’
‘I’m glad,’ I said. ‘I’m pretty proud of those discoveries. It’s nice and quiet here, so I don’t tell many people about it. You’re the exception, of course,’ I added, and then continued more awkwardly. ‘I’ve never really met anyone else I wanted to share it with.’ I glanced off into the distance. Leanna’s fast reply caught me by surprise.
‘I was just thinking the same thing,’ she said.
Turning back, I met her overlarge eyes, and found them brimming with shadows, and something else- eagerness, maybe? Or longing? For what, I couldn’t guess. Not me, surely.
‘This will probably sound dumb,’ she went on, ‘but I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’m almost glad that the... the incident, happened. Well, not glad, exactly,’ she hastened to add, in reaction to what must have been a look of horror. ‘Of course, it was terrible! In a way, I still can’t even believe it was real, but all the same, I’m starting to think that even if I could never picture it being a good thing, it wasn’t wholly bad. It just seems to make sense, like it should have been.’
I must have looked confused, because Leanna burst into a complicated, hurried explanation. She frowned and fidgeted, seeming anxious- although I supposed that was to be expected.
Immediately, I felt a little guilty. Maybe it was my fault.
‘I mean, sure,’ she gestured widely, ‘I have the emotional scarring, and I don’t know how long I’ll spend my nights like this because I’m too afraid to sleep. Oh, and I have this,’ she held up her arm, ‘which is inconvenient, even if breaking bones is sort of an everyday thing for me. But, on the other hand, if it hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t have met you, and while I wouldn’t say that makes it worth it...’ Leanna trailed off hopelessly, unable to finish, and flounced onto the wet grass.
‘It’s okay.’ I nearly tripped over. ‘You don’t have to explain, I get it too.’ I laid a hand on her bony shoulder, hoping that my inexperience in these sorts of situations wasn’t excruciatingly obvious.
She wouldn’t speak, but only snuffled in the cold air, and so I peeled off my jacket and wrapped it around her shivering shoulders. I met with no protest. She was so small that the soft leather fitted her like a cape.
Silence settled thickly on the slope, and I sensed that it was time to be honest. Really, there were some things I had wanted to say all along. I just didn’t have the courage.
‘Leanna,’ I began, ‘you have no idea just how lonely I was before we ran into each other.’
‘I was lonely, too.’ She mumbled, as though she was suppressing tears. I couldn’t see her face properly from behind her, and I didn’t want to seem rude by looking at her crying if she wanted to hide it.
‘No.’ I was firmer. ‘Maybe ‘lonely’ isn’t the right word for it, then. You have no idea. In the nearly five years that I’ve been here, I’ve spoken to no-one. It goes without saying that I haven’t had any friends. I just wander about with my thoughts a lot, composing conversations with imaginary people so that I don’t feel quite so misunderstood. It’s been... It’s just... Well, it’s horrible.’
I didn’t expect anything but stunned silence, or maybe fear, as a rebuttal for baring my soul.
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘For me, too.’
I don’t know why I kept ignoring her. I don’t know why I didn’t ask, sooner, for her side of the story. Instead, I only stressed my unique position. I was so convinced that my own, special kind of isolation was incomparable to anyone else’s, my suffering a work of unrivalled years and craftsmanship. It would be unfathomable to other people, I imagined, perhaps as a way of justifying it.
‘I should be clearer,’ I said. ‘I didn’t speak to anyone at all. Well, of course I had to talk to other people sometimes, like if I wanted to buy something, or catch a bus or a train, but I never spoke to them, and they never spoke to me. You can’t know what that was like for me, to spend every day just longing, praying for another person who could understand me, maybe wishing that I’d been born with a twin, although I probably would have stuffed that up, too.’
I shook my head. Even here, with Leanna, a part of that doomed feeling was creeping up on me again, because I knew that even she, the only person I had ever, miraculously, felt close to, couldn’t comprehend this. It would forever be a barrier between me and the rest of the world. Every man was an island, as the saying went, and I was marooned on mine. Not even she could save me. Maybe she was just a passing ship, a false hope.
‘No,’ she said again. ‘I don’t know what it’s like for you,’ she confessed, and my heart sank, not knowing that it was about to be buoyed up, ‘but I do know what it was like for me. I don’t have any friends, either.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure,’ she sounded exasperated, as though this should have been clear to me. ‘Look at me, Harvey. What do you suppose people think when they see this?’ She waved to indicate her splint-like legs, locked together for warmth, and the hollow where her middle caved into shadow, hidden by my jacket. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
‘But surely,’ I protested, drinking in all the evidence that supported my case -her brilliant blue eyes, the face that would have been stunning once you got rid of the dark circles and tired lines, and her intoxicating, fairy-like enchantment with the world- ‘people don’t care that you’re thin. That’s just... It’s judgemental, is what it is. You’re clever, and so much fun to be around. I can’t see how anyone could meet you and not like you.’
‘Yeah, well, they don’t.’ Her voice trailed a deep resentment, but, at the same time, a smile played about her lips. ‘I hate to break it to you, Harvey, but it’s just you.’
‘I don’t care,’ I said. ‘I think you’re beautiful.’ At this, the smile stopped faltering, and her whole face lit up like a reflection of the stars.
As we strolled around the forbidden grounds, we struck up a conversation. That was all I had really wanted from our meeting, and accordingly, I was more than happy to go on a graveyard hunt, or any other frivolous mission. As far as I was concerned, it didn’t matter what we did, as long as we were together.
‘It’s a great spot,’ Leanna piped up after a moment of silence, dragging me away from my thoughts.
‘Huh?’ I turned back to find her dancing along in the wake of my longer strides. ‘This garden, you mean?’
‘The garden and the cove. I love them both.’
‘I’m glad,’ I said. ‘I’m pretty proud of those discoveries. It’s nice and quiet here, so I don’t tell many people about it. You’re the exception, of course,’ I added, and then continued more awkwardly. ‘I’ve never really met anyone else I wanted to share it with.’ I glanced off into the distance. Leanna’s fast reply caught me by surprise.
‘I was just thinking the same thing,’ she said.
Turning back, I met her overlarge eyes, and found them brimming with shadows, and something else- eagerness, maybe? Or longing? For what, I couldn’t guess. Not me, surely.
‘This will probably sound dumb,’ she went on, ‘but I’ve been thinking a lot, and I’m almost glad that the... the incident, happened. Well, not glad, exactly,’ she hastened to add, in reaction to what must have been a look of horror. ‘Of course, it was terrible! In a way, I still can’t even believe it was real, but all the same, I’m starting to think that even if I could never picture it being a good thing, it wasn’t wholly bad. It just seems to make sense, like it should have been.’
I must have looked confused, because Leanna burst into a complicated, hurried explanation. She frowned and fidgeted, seeming anxious- although I supposed that was to be expected.
Immediately, I felt a little guilty. Maybe it was my fault.
‘I mean, sure,’ she gestured widely, ‘I have the emotional scarring, and I don’t know how long I’ll spend my nights like this because I’m too afraid to sleep. Oh, and I have this,’ she held up her arm, ‘which is inconvenient, even if breaking bones is sort of an everyday thing for me. But, on the other hand, if it hadn’t happened, then I wouldn’t have met you, and while I wouldn’t say that makes it worth it...’ Leanna trailed off hopelessly, unable to finish, and flounced onto the wet grass.
‘It’s okay.’ I nearly tripped over. ‘You don’t have to explain, I get it too.’ I laid a hand on her bony shoulder, hoping that my inexperience in these sorts of situations wasn’t excruciatingly obvious.
She wouldn’t speak, but only snuffled in the cold air, and so I peeled off my jacket and wrapped it around her shivering shoulders. I met with no protest. She was so small that the soft leather fitted her like a cape.
Silence settled thickly on the slope, and I sensed that it was time to be honest. Really, there were some things I had wanted to say all along. I just didn’t have the courage.
‘Leanna,’ I began, ‘you have no idea just how lonely I was before we ran into each other.’
‘I was lonely, too.’ She mumbled, as though she was suppressing tears. I couldn’t see her face properly from behind her, and I didn’t want to seem rude by looking at her crying if she wanted to hide it.
‘No.’ I was firmer. ‘Maybe ‘lonely’ isn’t the right word for it, then. You have no idea. In the nearly five years that I’ve been here, I’ve spoken to no-one. It goes without saying that I haven’t had any friends. I just wander about with my thoughts a lot, composing conversations with imaginary people so that I don’t feel quite so misunderstood. It’s been... It’s just... Well, it’s horrible.’
I didn’t expect anything but stunned silence, or maybe fear, as a rebuttal for baring my soul.
‘I know,’ she whispered. ‘For me, too.’
I don’t know why I kept ignoring her. I don’t know why I didn’t ask, sooner, for her side of the story. Instead, I only stressed my unique position. I was so convinced that my own, special kind of isolation was incomparable to anyone else’s, my suffering a work of unrivalled years and craftsmanship. It would be unfathomable to other people, I imagined, perhaps as a way of justifying it.
‘I should be clearer,’ I said. ‘I didn’t speak to anyone at all. Well, of course I had to talk to other people sometimes, like if I wanted to buy something, or catch a bus or a train, but I never spoke to them, and they never spoke to me. You can’t know what that was like for me, to spend every day just longing, praying for another person who could understand me, maybe wishing that I’d been born with a twin, although I probably would have stuffed that up, too.’
I shook my head. Even here, with Leanna, a part of that doomed feeling was creeping up on me again, because I knew that even she, the only person I had ever, miraculously, felt close to, couldn’t comprehend this. It would forever be a barrier between me and the rest of the world. Every man was an island, as the saying went, and I was marooned on mine. Not even she could save me. Maybe she was just a passing ship, a false hope.
‘No,’ she said again. ‘I don’t know what it’s like for you,’ she confessed, and my heart sank, not knowing that it was about to be buoyed up, ‘but I do know what it was like for me. I don’t have any friends, either.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure,’ she sounded exasperated, as though this should have been clear to me. ‘Look at me, Harvey. What do you suppose people think when they see this?’ She waved to indicate her splint-like legs, locked together for warmth, and the hollow where her middle caved into shadow, hidden by my jacket. I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
‘But surely,’ I protested, drinking in all the evidence that supported my case -her brilliant blue eyes, the face that would have been stunning once you got rid of the dark circles and tired lines, and her intoxicating, fairy-like enchantment with the world- ‘people don’t care that you’re thin. That’s just... It’s judgemental, is what it is. You’re clever, and so much fun to be around. I can’t see how anyone could meet you and not like you.’
‘Yeah, well, they don’t.’ Her voice trailed a deep resentment, but, at the same time, a smile played about her lips. ‘I hate to break it to you, Harvey, but it’s just you.’
‘I don’t care,’ I said. ‘I think you’re beautiful.’ At this, the smile stopped faltering, and her whole face lit up like a reflection of the stars.