Love Like a Tidal Wave

When I left Stephanie’s apartment I stayed inside my car crying my eyes out. I was going crazy. I wanted to see Tony; I wanted to know that he was okay and that he didn’t want the divorce anymore. I wanted to know why he hasn’t been coming home. Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong again that I’m not aware of again?

I wiped away my tears and pushed back my bangs from my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my eyes were red and puffy. I sniffled and grabbed some Kleenex from the glove department and wiped away my boogers and eyes. I laid my head back and closed my eyes for a few minutes.

Go to Vic’s house.

I opened my eyes then grabbed my keys from my pockets and took them out. I turned on the ignition and drove out of Steph’s neighborhood and headed towards Mike and Vic’s house.

It didn’t take long to arrive because Steph lived a few minutes away. I pulled up to the curb and didn’t see Tony’s car. I climbed out and walked up the steps hoping his car was in the driveway or garage but as soon as I arrived at the front of the house, there wasn’t any car but Mike’s truck. I tried not to cry again. I could always ask Mike if he knew where he was.

I walked to the front door and knock two times then crossed my arms under my chest. I look away from the door and looked toward the street. A few seconds later I heard footsteps approaching and the door being opened. I turned around and found Mike, no shirt, no jeans just him in his boxers, beanie and shades on. Typical.

“Tony isn’t here.” He said right away.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

He examined my face and his expression changed. “Are you okay? Come in.” He stepped aside and I walked right into his living room. I sat down on the couch and looked up at him. “Do you want a beer or something?”

“No, I’m straight.”

He walked in to the living and sat down on the coffee table in front of me. “What’s wrong? What he do this time?”

“I don’t know where he is. He hasn’t been home these past few days. He hasn’t called or texted. Do you know where he could be at?”

He shook his head to a no and removed his sunglasses and placed them on the table. “He came over two days ago but I haven’t spoken to him since.”

Not the answer I was looking for. I started crying again and Mike got up from the table and sat down next to me. He put one arm around me and pulled me close to him. I leaned on his chest and continued to cry. He stroked my arm to sooth me. “Don’t cry. He’ll come home soon.”

We stood there for a few minutes while I poured my heart out to the drummer. I told him what had been going on with me and Tony, how he wouldn’t have sex with me and how he disappeared. He gave me some soothing advice. I didn’t expect that from him because he was always giving shitty replies. This is a side I never saw of Mike but I liked it. Why couldn’t he be like that all the time?

I shifted myself in the couch and cuddled next to Mike. He circled his arm around my neck and pulled me closer to him. I leaned my head on the crook of his neck and stared at the ashtray on the table. I placed my hand on his chest and he leaned his head on mine. In a few minutes I looked up at him and he looked down at me. He smiled and I returned it. I leaned forward and pressed my lips against his warm ones. He froze and stared at me.

“Carol—”

“Please Mike.” I begged and attempted to kiss him again. He pulled away afterwards and removed his arm from my neck.

“We can’t do this again, Tony is going to murder me and believe me he will. He almost killed me a few weeks ago."

“I won’t tell him. Please.” A stray tear fell down my cheek. “It’s been too long.” He stared into my eyes before letting me kiss him again. He kissed back slowly and softly. I cupped his neck and pulled him down towards me. I started to kiss him rougher. I started to sit up on my knees and he leaned his head back while I continued kissing him with more pressure.

Our heavy breathing picked up through our noses while I sat on him. He made a circular motion with his thumbs on my thighs and kissed back with his tongue. I started grinding up on him and started feeling him get hard. I removed his beanie from his head then circled one of my arms around his neck and tangled my fingers in his hair with the other.

His hands shifted to my shirt and he clenched the fabric, moving it upwards. I raised my arms in the air while he discarded it from my body. I leaned my forehead on his while we caught our breaths.

"Carolina, I can't do this."

"Yes, you can. What I said at the bar was true." I kissed him and he pulled away, a bit shocked on what I said.

"You remembered everything from that night?" His eyes opened wide.

"I heard the voicemail I left Tony. He let me listen to it the day after." I went back to kissing him and biting the side of lip since his piercing was in the way. He stopped kissing me once again and it started to get me mad.

"I'm right here throwing myself at you and all you do is worry about Tony?! I know you're his fucking friend and band mate but I have my needs and if Tony won't grant them to me, you will! So are you going to sit there and not have sex with me or are you going to fuck me so hard and blow my mind because that's what you've been wanting to do for the past five years!?"

The look on his face changed in a fraction of a second. I could tell it turned him on because he started kissing me aggressively without holding back. He started to shuffle out of the couch. He carried me while he got up. I wrapped my legs around his tiny waist and started kissing and sucking on his neck while he walked us up the stairs to his room. He closed the door with his foot, causing it to slam shut. I unclasped my bra and threw it away. He sat down on the bed and moved himself further in the mattress. He attacked my neck while undoing my jeans.

I moaned into his ear and it turned him on even more. His hands went up my sides then started to massage my breast. He moved me to the side and leaned over so I can lie down on the bed. He got on top of me and left a trail of kisses on my jawline to my neck and down to my chest. I gripped chunks of his hair while pushing him lower and lower. He pulled my jeans off and I spread my legs apart while he kissed my inner thighs, earning him another moan from me. I tried to hold still but once his tongue came into action I couldn't. This feeling had been neglected and I’ve been yearning it for the longest.

"Mike," I groaned. "Stop teasing." He climbed back on top of me and started kissing me again. He moved his hand down south and started rubbing me in a circular motion on my clit, pinching, squeezing and brushing it. I was moving around in bed, arching my back and clenching his hair and back, loving the feeling I was experiencing.

Once he removed his hand from me I lowered his boxers and he kicked them off. He brought up my left leg and held on to it while he inserted his hard cock in me. We both moaned into each other’s mouth once he slammed it in me. He started slow, wanting me to adjust to his size but I didn’t want to adjust to his penis, I just wanted him to go harder and faster.

"Faster," I cried out. He brought up my other leg and started picking up the pace. Going deeper and faster with every thrust he gave, no holding back. He continued slamming into me like I had told him downstairs. I started moaning louder and biting and clawing him. My actions caused him to get rougher.

After awhile, I started to cry, not because he was hurting me or in a sexual way, but because I missed Tony making me happy the way Mike was. He was aggressive as Tone, maybe a little more but it filled me up with happiness. I didn't want to cheat on Tone but I couldn't stand it. I just wanted someone to love me and make me feel beautiful. I was losing my mind and I was feeling self-conscious but Mike made me feel like I was still someone that people would have sex with despite the fact I have two kids and might get divorced. Who am I kidding? I am going to get divorced. Tony will probably end up hitting me and going through with divorce if he ever found out what I did.

Don't tell him. My mind suggested. I decided to follow my mind like I have been.

After our fun, I snuggled up next to him and buried my face on his warm sweaty chest. He pulled me in closer and I closed my eyes, still crying. I ended up falling asleep in his bed with him for a few hours. Sleeping the hours I have been lacking from the past week.

The sound of his snoring woke me up. I searched for my phone but I forgot it was turned off and in my car. I quietly got out of his arms and off the bed. I looked for my clothes on the ground and changed. I couldn't find my shirt until I remembered I took it off downstairs. I opened the door of his room and saw Cara holding Mason outside of Vic's room. I froze once she did a double take on me to see if her eyes were deceiving her. They were wide and astonished.

"Car—"

"Shh..." I said softly.

She walked over to me, not leaving her eyes on mine. "Please tell me I'm not seeing you topless inside of Mike's room." She shook her head. More tears came down my face. I leaned on the door frame and she came closer to me. She rubbed my back. "You've been cheating on Tony?"

"No, just this once. I..." I sniffled before continuing. "I just wanted to feel beautiful."

"Baby girl you are beautiful. I'd turn lesbian for you remember?"

My lips curled up in amusement. I chuckled and tried to stop crying. "Can I borrow a shirt? Or is anyone downstairs? My shirt is down there and I have to go home."

"No one is home but me, Ainsley and Mase. I'll keep a look out." She walked to the stairs and looked around the bottom of the house. "All cleared." She grinned.

"Please don't tell anyone Cara. Not even Vic. I was the one who forced Mike."

"I won't tell anyone. Promise." She held out her hand with her pinky sticking out. I chuckled when I saw it and interlocked it with mine.

"I love you Cara."

"Who doesn't?" She winked and I laughed again. I stroked Mason's brown hair then walked down stairs.

"Nice breast!" She shouted and I laughed again. I grabbed my shirt from the couch and put it on quickly. I grabbed my keys and walked out the front door. I ran down the steps and climbed inside my car. I grabbed my phone and waited for it to turn on so I can know what time it was. The sun was already set and I had about an hour in half to get home. I turned on the ignition after checking the time and drove back to Orange County.

Arriving home at nine, my heart began to pound in my chest as I saw Tony's car parked in the drive way. I didn't want to be scared, I didn't want to cry, I just got mad. I was going to confront him and I was going to get answers out of him tonight whether he wanted to or not.

I opened the door with determination and walked right in. I searched the living room and kitchen for him. I walked to my room and there he was, changing into his basketball shorts. I smelled the scent of his shampoo and body wash. He was using this house as a hotel and it made me more mad.

But the fact that he was actually here in front of me made me feel happy inside but I tried not to show it. There was no time to be happy. I had to get to the bottom of this.

"Hey." He acted as if it was normal to come home after not being home for a week. It agitated me so I had more guts now to tell him what I had to say.

"You didn't come home yesterday or the other days before that." I said, tossing the keys on the dresser to my left.

"Yeah, I—”

"Got drunk with the boys so you couldn't get a ride home? Or you're working on a new song and pulled an all nighter? Yeah, right. I deserve a better excuse than that." I raised an eyebrow. He stopped moving to stare at me. That stare he did when he was about to get mad if I continued talking to him that way. But I was not backing down. I really wanted to know what was going on. "Why are you staring at me like that? Do you have something to say?"

There went that other face. "I don't know why the fuck you're mad at me right now. I don't want to argue with you. So just drop it okay?" He dried his hair with the towel that he used to dry himself.

"No. I'm not gonna drop it. You haven't been home. I thought we were done giving each other the cold shoulder?"

"Carolina. I'm tired. I just want to sleep" He wasn't looking at me and it seemed like he wasn't planning to.

"You know, that's the point. You're either tired, it's late or you're in a bitchy mood. That doesn't give you the right to not come home at all." He didn't say anything. He just continued getting ready for bed. "Where were you Tony?"

"Does it matter where I've been!?" His voice got louder and he finally turned to face me. He had bags underneath his bloodshot eyes. "Don't you see me? I'm right here, Carolina. I'm home. In our room. I'm right in front of you. Isn't that what you want or do you want me to leave?!"

"You're not here mentally. This isn't the Tony I know and married." I said softly, trying my best not to raise my voice. I didn't want to fight with him, I didn't want to raise my voice and start shouting. I just wanted to talk it out like every perfect couple.

He heaved a long sigh and sat down on the edge of the bed. He held his head with the palm of his hands. "Here we go again."

"Tony, you have to be honest with me because I've lost my mind already. Do you even love me anymore? Do I not make you happy? Do you still want this divorce?"

"Caro—"

"Just answer the question Tony. I'm dead serious right now. You won't have sex with me, you don't talk to me, and we don't even go out as a couple or family anymore besides the camping trip. Aren't we through the whole incident already? Or you just don't want to sleep with me because you don't have feelings for me the way you used to? I need to know." My voiced started to crack because I was afraid of what his answer would be. I only wanted to hear one thing that would cease the conversation and made me feel a little better. I didn't like crying because it made me feel weak and sensitive. I know I was a little sensitive or a lot since I got pregnant and had two kids but everyone is sensitive. I just happened to show it.

"I love you Carolina. So much. You should know that already."

The tears welling up my eyes came down my cheeks. He wasn't looking at me still but I knew he knew that I was crying. He loves me. He just said it. We're still going to be together. There was no need to go to Mike for help. There was no need to cheat because we’ll able to settle down this problem and make love soon.

I wiped my tears away and smiled. "Okay. That's all I wanted to hear. We just need to continue working on our communication like we did before. We're not getting divorced anymore like we planned and everything is going to be fine. Right? I mean that's what we both want. Isn't it?"

He remained quiet. His hands were tangled on his hair. I waited for a nod or a simple "yes" to make me stop talking but he didn't say or do anything. He continued playing with his hair and that made go crazy. Not in an aroused way, just angry and insane. I'm not emotionally stabled anymore and it's been ruining me these past few months.

"Tony, talk to me. I can't do this anymore. Yell at me. Give me some kind of fucking sign that lets me know you're listening to me right now. I don't like you ignoring me." I cried out, sounding like a teenager with a broken heart in high school.

"I'm fucking talking to you Carolina!" He shouted, getting up from the bed and started walking away from the room. It angered me more so I ran after him. I didn't care if we were going to argue because I don't like him acting this way. I just wanted him to hold me and tell me he has been having a bad week and it had nothing to do with me.

"There you go again going back to your same habit!" I yelled from behind him. I followed him to the front door where he stopped walking and turned around facing me with his intense eyes.

He pointed at himself and said "I don't want to fucking talk about it, okay?! Do me a favor and go to sleep already! Don't waste your time trying to talk to be because I'm just going to ignore you."

I could smell the stench of alcohol coming from his mouth as he shouted at me. This wasn't going to end very well once again.

"You're not going anywhere until we finish talking about this! I want to settle this before you walk away from me like you always do! Didn't you learn anything from marriage counseling?!"

"What do you want Carolina?" He sneered. "Want me to pretend we're at a counseling session right now and answer your damn questions? Do you want to go make an appointment with Dr. Smith so we can talk about this? Is that what you want? How do you fucking feel about this Carolina?" He took a step closer to me and my pulse sped up. His face was turning red and his eyes were piercing through mine.

"You don't even get it!" I shouted, stepping forward showing him I wasn't scared of him or planning to drop this conversation or should I say, argument.

"No I don't get it! Why don't you start by explaining what it is that I don't understand here?! I won't go anywhere until you tell me what the fuck you want from me Carolina!? Because I'm this close on pushing you away from me!" He showed the small amount of patience he had with his thumb and index finger. My mind kept telling me to yell back but I was terrified that he will actually hit me.

"WILL YOU STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" My mind won again. "You will always be an asshole no matter what happens between us! You won't ever change! Do you even fucking care about our marriage anymore!?" I started breathing loud. "What I've been trying to tell you is that I'm fucking scared that I'm gonna end up losing you! Okay!? I haven't slept, I have no more energy, and I’ve been depressed because of you, because of our marriage." I poked his chest hard. "I love you so much Tony. You don't know how badly it hurts to fucking love you! I put up with your bullshit, your yelling, and your stubborn ass because I fucking love you! I'd do anything for you not because I'm your wife but because I want to! So no! I'm not going to bed because I can't sleep! I can't help but think that you don't want to sleep with me because you still think I slept with Mike or you find me disgusting." I let out a brittle laughed, putting my hands on my hips. "And funny thing is I went over to Stephanie's apartment because I thought you were cheating on me with her.”

"You what?" He stared at me with his intense eyes again. This is the part where I knew he was going to hit me. He hates when I bring her up or even say anything that reminded him of her.

"I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done that or think that way but I just..." I sighed rubbed my face with my hands to wipe the tears away. "I feel like you were cheating on me with her in the beginning and you're doing it again right now." My head was down while I cried. He didn't say a word he was just surprised. "I can't help but think that you are, Tony. I just have this feeling and I can't shake it away. Is that why you can't sleep with me anymore because you’re cheating on me?" More tears fell down from my eyes. I hugged myself.

"Carolina, I just told you that I love you a few minutes ago."

I nodded my head, wiped away the tears from my face and sniffled. I tried calming down and stopping the tears from overcoming me again. He walked up to me but I kept my gaze at the floor. "I didn't cheat on you with Stephanie."

I grinned, so relieved that he wasn't cheating on me. I just needed to figure out what has been holding him back from having sex with me. I still thought it was because of Mike even though I did just have sex with him but he doesn’t need to know that. I’ll just pretend it never happened because we were gonna get through this again. We'll take on more therapy or he can have his own psychologist so he can explain how he feels and that doctor can fix him. That was all I want. Telling him about Mike will worsen everything and there was no way in hell that I was going to head to that direction.

I just know that I'll be able to sleep at night because I won't be thinking horrible things that Tony was doing to me because he hasn’t and will never do anything to hurt me in that way. All those sleepless nights are ending tonight after we discuss what's been going on with him. We're settling the divorce at court next Wednesday. We were still going to be married and we were going to talk about our problems from now on.

I nodded my head, believing the words he said earlier but he still had on that face expression that was telling me he wasn’t done talking.

"But I did cheat on you."